Enter Drawing for Harboring Hope for Free

Welcome to Affair Recovery's Harboring Hope Monthly Drawing. We want to know you. We want to serve you. This means we want to hear from you!

The first step is telling us what we can do for you. Please tell us why you’d like to take Harboring Hope. If you made a comment prior to a previous registration period, that comment is still good for your entry.

Remember, submit a comment of 500 words or less about why you'd like to take the Harboring Hope course. Remember, it's a random drawing so your entry won't be based on merit or on your situation. Comments will be moderated by AR staff. Drawings will be held monthly. If you'd like more information, you can also read our official rules.


The winner for March 2024 was "Anonymous"
with the entry "Entry into Class".
Congrats!!

The winner for Feb 2024 was "Todd"
with the entry "Learning How To Grow".
Congrats,Todd!!!!

The winner for January 2024 was "DebU"
with the entry "Wash Rinse Repeat".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for December 2023 was "TonyaSue22"
with the entry "Will he ever stop".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for November 2023 was "Sara"
with the entry "Lying through EMS".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for October 2023 was "LunaR"
with the entry "Stuck and Confused".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for September 2023 was "Kindergirl"
with the entry "Not My First Rodeo".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for August 2023 was "Betrayed"
with the entry "I Need a Path Forward".
Congrats!!!!

The winner for July 2023 was "Carolyn"
with the entry "No one really understands".
Congrats, Carolyn!!!!


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Comments

How do we teach ourselves to

How do we teach ourselves to give our heart to the very person who has stomped on it 5 times b4 - that is the reality i face. he is my one and i want to spend my life with him, and when he is mine he is all that i need, but his destructive behaviour through deception and lies kills a little bit of me slowly like melting ice. i want to forgive, and be kind, and  someone that he actually wants to be with, but most importantly i want to stop being this obsessed and negative person  that i have become because of the pain i have suffered for the last two years.

I feel the exact same thing

I just recently discovered that my husband off 22 years, was having an affair with this so called "special friend". A woman at work that I knew well.

My husband says that she was a drinking buddy and he was under the influence of alcohol (ton of alcohol) the couple of times they were physically intimate. What i really feel violated about is the fact that he repeatedly lied to me when I questioned the relationship.

He is now a recovering alcoholic - 9 days sober and claims he was under the influence of alcohol when he was lying. I don't know what to say or believe. This is the second time - his previous affair was purely emotional and lasted for a very brief time till i discovered it.

Should I take him back? Will he do it again? Where are his moral values? Is he even the person I was married to?

Lost and trying to find my way

My husband and I have been married for 18 years.  We married young and I was pregnant at the time. I found out 3 years later (only because she finally filed for child support) 6 months into our marriage he had a one night stand and the woman got pregnant. Long story short, I loved my husband with all my heart and with 2 children of our own, worked things out (no counciling) and I have helped him raise a child who is not mine.  This actually took YEARS to get to the point of feelng comfortable that he wasn't lying about where he was going or doing and find it ok for him to go out alone and not question everything he did. 13 days ago I found out he has been talking and texting and secretly meeting another woman for I believe about 5 months.  He swears they did not have a sexual relationship it was only flirting and swears they decided they couldn't go through with having an affair, both were feeling guilty about what they were doing. (she is married with 2 children also)  He says he didn't want to hurt me and still loves me and wants to work through it.  I don't know if he is really telling the truth about anything he has told me!  This pain is even worse than the first time I found out about his infidility whether it was a sexual relationship or not! It's the lies, broken trust, and the broken promise to NEVER hurt me again!!!! How could he really love me and put me through something like this AGAIN???  How can I ever recover and move forward with my life???  I am so lost in a sea of emotions I feel I won't find my way out.

Harboring Hope

It has only been two weeks since I learned my of husbands affair that he has been having for the past 3 years with a woman who claimed to be my friend.  I found this site and I have been reading the articles and it has helped me daily.  Only today was different.  I was talking with a friend who brought something up, just sharing stories of fun places and fun times, when all the sudden I had a wave of anger envelope me.  I know I need guidance to make it through this, whether my marriage stays in tact or not, for my own sanity.  The amount of pain and betrayal is so overwhelming at times that I feel as though it is me against the world.  I am finding it hard to trust all the men I know whether family or friends.  This is not healthy for me and I know even if I  not chosen for this gift that is being offered I will still pursue a support system.  There are so many others who have and are experiencing these emotions and insanity that I thank God for finding this site.

Thank you go providing this to all of us

Carrying on

My husband of 10 years has decided to walk away from our marriage.  He told me the other day how he does not miss me.  So now I must pick up the pieces and move on.  He will forever be a part of my life because of our children.  It is becoming more and more difficult to talk to him because he seems to think and feel that I am trying to manipulate him into staying in the marriage.  I would rather us wok together and try to be friendly for our children but it is something I am struggling with because there is a strong possibility he will try to reconcile with the woman he was having an affair with.  I have many mixed emotions about trying to be decent towards him and try to be fair when I feel he has been and continues to be unfair and untruthful with me.  I am praying to God to help me not be a spiteful, bitter, and angry person because I don't want those feelings to consume my every thought or soul.  But I need to know how do I not do that when I so desperately want to.

Barely Breathing

I still can't comprehend that my husband has chosen his affair partner and walked away from our 31 year marriage. I have no idea what my life is supposed to be or look like from here. I have been told the divorce looks good on me by wellmeaning friends. I have had more attention from the opposite gender than I want or know what to do with. How does one recover and start over after being in a relationship longer than you haven't? I don't want to be alone, but really don't want to with anyone other than my soon to be ex spouse. My beliefs don't even allow for another realtionship after a divorce. Hopeless seems an understatement.

Let The Healing Journey Begin

As a mother of five young children comes much responsibility. In order to take care of my children, I must first take care of myself. I've always known this, I've just always had a hard time doing it. After such devestating disclousure of my husbands long term affairs and inappropriate relationships I am left in a place I never could have imagined I'd be in. After all I always dreamed for that happily ever after. Divorce was never in my vocabulary. My heart may be shattered and my life is in limbo. I need the opportunity to go through the Harboring Hope program to begin my journey of healing. That way I can be the best mother to my kids that I can be. I don't have access to any of our income, so I can't afford to pay for this course on my own. I know God has great things in store for my life and I pray that this will be the first step to get me there.

Dear Lord, please make me whole again. Teach me, form me, mold me, and let me be an example to others. Amen.

Harboring Hope Free Course

I was married for 18 yrs and am now divorced due to my ex-spouses infidelity. It's only been 2 mos since the divorce and I'd like to move beyond the hurt and betrayal but am struggling with how to do so. I've read self-help books relating to the subject of infidelity, seeked counseling but still can go forward. When I think I'm moving past the hurt something with occur to trigger so many different emotions. Some days are better than others but I'd like for more of my days to be better.

In need of someone to talk to

I found out about my husband's affair(s) 10 months ago, I had no clue up until then, he was watching porn, signed up to dating sites, having an emotional affair with his married ex girlfriend from 17 years ago and seeing a woman (this is only the stuff I know of). He has reacted to my discovery, pain, and questions with silence. He wouldn't admit to anything, even though I had proof, talk about it and would get angry when I brought it up. Now, 10 months later, nothing has changed, I've had nobody to talk to about this and he's not talking. He refuses counselling, reading articles I find for him, emails that let him know about other ppl who have been through this. Although I have forgiven him and right now working on my trust issues the pain is still as though it only happened yesterday. I desperately need some type of help and can't afford anything out there. I want to feel like a person again and there are certain things I just don't know how to deal with.

I am so sorry. I know I am

I am so sorry. I know I am not a counselor but please message me if you need to talk. I know what it feels like to feel alone in this and it is a misery that I do not wish upon anyone. You are not alone. I am able to get through my rage, pain, bitterness, triggers, PTSD because he is willing to make a safe place for me to do so. I can not imagine going through all of these emotions that make me feel like I am going insane alone and not having anyone to listen to how I feel. My heart is breaking for you too. I will keep you in my prayers and please reach out if you need someone to listen to you. I can cry with you or rage with you. Whatever it is you need to do.

Lost and confused

I found out six months ago that my husband of 12 years was having an affair that had been going on for the past two years. I had known something was going on but he would never admit it until I finally found proof and confronted him. He has said he loves me and wants me and our marriage so for the last six months I have been trying to get over this but I just can't. Especially because he just seems the same as before - unemotional and detached. We constantly fight and go for days without talking. Now I am at my breaking point and i just told him to move out. I can't do it anymore. And he just says ok. All I wanted was emotion, consistency and for him to fight for me and our marriage but he just gives up like always. I feel like I have wasted the last six months of my life and I am starting from the beginning again. I am so angry and hurt. I just feel so alone because I can't talk to anyone about this.

My Story

D-day was May 3, 2013 when I accidentally discovered my husband of 12 1/2 years had been unfaithful for 8 months. It was with a stranger that he originally picked up in a bar, he claims there was no emotional connection, but some of the subsequent discoveries show he was more involved than he is willing to admit. He has violated me and our marriage in every way possible, and I am having a hard time understanding why and how he did this, as well as dealing with the anger and pain in an effective way. My world is definitely rocked as up until that point I trusted him completely and despite the issues I knew we had, mostly that he was distancing himself from me emotionally almost completely, I never believed he could do this. I am lost and confused, although we have attended marriage counseling and a 2 day marriage intensive. He ended it immediately and says he loves me and wants to save our marriage but I do not know if I can forgive the magnitude of his betrayal.

I am walking this path of infidelity alone

My boyfriend-now x boyfriend of 6 and a half years blatantly had an affair. He said he wants to work things out but is insistent that I must work on unresolved issues from my childhood he believes that is the root cause of his affairs, He can't even call it an affair because he has justified to himself we were broken up yet he lived in the same house and I paid all his bills. I really don't know why he came back to me, I think I am a means to and end for him. I have studies, read, researched, meditated and just about everything else you can think of to handle the affair and my childhood sexual abuse that has surfaced yet I am not getting one thing; not one emotion from him. Not sadness, not fear, not happiness, not joy, not guilt, not anything. We have an 18 month old son and I know I need to work through this at the very least for my son. I am so sad and heartbroken most of the time I find it difficult to even be a mother which of course he uses against me. I need this course not so much for him or recovery of the relationship but for me, so I can move in the best direction possible.

My life's shattered; is there anything left for the future?

I am going on three weeks from discovery. Years of emotional neglect and abuse, as well as numerous emotional affairs, and possible unconfirmed physical affairs have taken their toll on my self-esteem. This past month, I got a confession from him about a "one-time" unprotected encounter with a hooker two weeks prior, which for all intents and purposes was his "revenge" on me for asking him to end his latest emotional affair. As the weeks have gone on, he has revealed a deep-seated resentment against me for being jealous of his female frienships, and a strong desire to marginalize me in favor of fostering those other relationships instead... is it any wonder I am jealous?? There have been health consequences for us both as a result... we still don't have an answer to what it is, and though he claims to want to work on our marriage, he is very resistant to talking about the problems and the affairs, and especially the APs, whom he continues defending, saying they should not be blamed or brought up at all... ai know he has been deceived by both himself, and the poisonous words of his latest AP, as he is now using language he has never used before against me... I am struggling with reminders and triggers every day, and I want to regain a sense of who I am in order to begin healing. I realize that I shouldn't allow these women to take parts of my life away, but I find it nerve wracking to even look at my husband's car, knowing what he used it for... I need to regain my strength and find courage to accept I am a woman of worth inspite of what his behavior would have me believe.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving, I Wish I Could Send It Back...

This was me just a few months ago. I have since learned that the hooker was a smoke screen he came up with to protect his AP's marriage from my "inevitable wrath" when I called him crying from the doctor's office after I was told I may have contracted an STD.
From the first week of June all the way through the end of August of this year, it feels as if I've had the bottom fall out from under me over and over. I've developed severe phobias around certain situations that remind me of where I was or what I was being told each time a new piece of information came to light. I seem to be stuck on a loop of reliving key moments that took place during his affair, and no matter what my husband says or tries to do to prove his sincerity now, I cannot make myself believe him for one second.

I've become a weepy, nervous thing where before I was confident, assertive, and optimistic. I hate it. I've lost my nerve for things that before were easy, I was forced to ask for a sabbatical from medical school because I could not concentrate on the material, reliving the night which triggered my suspicions about my husband and his AP. I've been in counseling for depression, anxiety, and for marriage problems, nothing seems to be breaking through to make a significant difference. Even though my husband swears he has nothing but negative feelings for the AP now, I don't believe him in light of the way he behaved an d the things he said both during the affair and for a few weeks after it supposedly ended.

I want to let go of these images and phrases that keep playing in my head. I want to begin healing, to stop reading into every word and actionfrom my husband, I want to stop pushing him away with my anger and hurt and disbelief. I want to be free from the nightmare and pain.

Hope for Release and Recovery

Seven months ago my husband told me he wanted a divorce and, a few weeks later, I was able to conclude that he was having an affair because of some activities my teenage son had witnessed. I asked him if he was having an affair after assuring him that I already knew. This is around his tenth affair, I lost count at seven, and he doesn't come clean about anything unless I already have evidence of the facts. The last couple of affairs have been since we became Christians, and I was counseled to forgive and move on, and I pretty much managed to do that. But this time has been different. Im not sure why, but it couldn't be hidden from our children and it has almost devastated me. I have been helped by a counselor, but I have terrible pain and anger which lie just below the surface and threaten to break out at any moment. For self preservation I am numb much of the time, because I feel that allowing myself to feel any emotion will release the dreaded ones. I am not sure why that has to be avoided. I have an inner turmoil, similar to the anxiety of an approaching exam or job interview, and some days it is exhausting to make it through the day. I never know what I am going to find out he has done, and with whom, in the day or two since the last time we saw him. I feel that God's plan is for us to be married again, although I have no feelings towards him. We are not divorced, but there would need to be a new covenant, and between two new people. But my life is in limbo because I don't believe God will put us back together unless my husband is a new man, and only time will tell whether he is prepared to put in the time and effort that that would take. However, I am determined not to stay in this exhausting state, and was excited to discover AR and the resources it offers which might help me to release my pain and recover from it.

Harboring Hope Healing blow my way!

I have been trying mostly on my own to heal from the roller coaster ride my husband's betrayal has sent me on since August of 2011. I did not choose this; but here I am. After leaving and living with his AP for 8 months ... God brought him home. We tried celebrate recovery, counseling and chose a church closer to home to join a community for support. yet, we are floundering ... I believe I am where God wants me to be, but I desperately need to heal in order to ever be the wife God wants me to be ... Despite his relapses and flailing uncertainties. On top of all that, we have lost our home, my husband has not been able to work for more than a month due to a strange almost blinding eye infection, and we r in the process of bankruptcy ... I only signed up for Harboring Hope because I saw a chance to join through the give away. I'm sure there are others in bigger need, but throwing it out there anyway. Thank you for all of the great articles already ... My husband has actually decided to engage in the site as well ... Ptl!

I want off!

My husband of 36 years had an emotional affair with a woman he works with. After discovery, he said he loved me, would be devastated if I left him, and promised no further contact. However, what followed was months of lies and continued texts, phone calls, and secret meetings. I am living in a constant state of stress and would like the opportunity to take the Harboring Hope class to heal and get off this emotional roller coaster!

It has been almost 5 months

It has been almost 5 months since I packed up myself and our 3 children to come back to the States. My husband told me about his affair (3/19/2013) after denying it twice when I confronted him. He wanted me to leave because he didnt know if he wanted "this marriage" anymore. I have been through a lot of hurt as he put much blame on me as well as anger towards me. It was all a shock and I began to question if i knew him anymore. From the beginning I wanted to work through things and understand the whys of this happening to us. But he has been closed in saying anything to me. He says he has a hard heart towards me. He comes in 2 weeks (from overseas) and has informed me that he is just here to see the children. He is not saying a word as to if he is leaving back overseas. He has mentioned divorce but seems to not bring it up much in our conversations, only says things that make me think he will pursue a divorce. As I raise our 3 children alone, waiting on a husband who is "undecided",I need healing so I can be a whole person again. I want to believe and experience hope after this horrible unintended road I am traveling.

Why I want to attend harboring hope

My husband of 12.5 years is in an affair (which he denys is an affair - to him she is his best friend and true love) - he says he wants to put all the feelings he has for her back onto me - but spends all his time with her, a few hours a week with me. He is a good man, he made some poor choices and I hope someday he can see a way to come back. It has been 18 months, I have known for 9 - - it hurts so much to have the person you always believed would be there for you tell you he loves you but doesn't want to be with you, and that it is my fault. Rick has been great, we have had 2 sessions and I hope he can help us. I know I can move past this - I have a short memory and don't hold grudges - - I have so many things I need to work on in myself to make us better. He has so many things too. I can't change him, I can only change me and hope he decides I'm worth his time and that he wants to change himself.

1 year and counting

It has been one year since the discovery of my husbands 4 year affair. We have chosen to try to make it work. We have 3 amazing kids and we thought this would be our best choice. It has been good and bad the last 12 months. Right now I am so worried that we are just trying to get back to "normal". Really? Normal? Who wants that? After the pain and hell I have gone through we have gone through, I think we deserve an amazing marriage not a normal marriage. Lately, I almost feel we are going backwards. We talk ALOT, but I feel we need other people to talk to besides each other. We need HELP! I am tired of crying, feeling sad, feeling angry, trying to fix him and... overall... I'm tired. He says he hates hurting me, but continues to do so. Sometimes in small ways, but after everything the small things seem big. I REALLY do want this to work. Our new church has helped us a great deal. Our pastor's sermons always seem to be relating right o us! We need help getting over this hurdle and moving forward. The past still has strangle hold on us. Please help us!

Our last hope

After 4 years of marriage we had our first child. While I was recovering from labor I discovered my husband's 16 month long affair. I felt as if the life I carefully planned, loved, cherished and the future I was dreaming of had been snatched right out of my hands. He confessed that he was in love with his AP and that she also became pregnant during my pregancy but hers ended in a miscarriage. I was and still am very devastated. I became hungry for information on their affair. I found text messages, voice mails, pictures, videos, everything you can think of, and I read and saw EVERYTHING. I wanted to know why my husband would abandon me and fall in love with someone else while we were supposed to be starting a family. I had A LOT of questions. Questions that are still unanswered because my husband cannot remember or can’t explain what he was thinking/feeling. If he did have answers I still didn’t believe him, how could I after all his lies. During this time I also discovered that he had cheated twice before, in the very beginning of our relationship and right before he proposed. My pride, anger and hurt screamed at me to get a divorce but I knew I would not be able to live with myself if I didn’t give my marriage all I had, especially for our newborn son. So I gave him another chance. We tried to do it on our own. We tried going to church together, speaking with pastors, spending time with each other but there was and is just too much hurt. We both went into self-preservation mode. I soon began to get the feeling that my husband was not putting his all in fixing our marriage so I began to dig again. I found out that he had another secret cell phone which he was using to contact his AP. I was crushed. I did not understand how he could jeopardize everything yet AGAIN! It seemed like my husband was in another world and I couldn’t snap him out of it. I could not get him to see the pain I was and am in, the pain he was causing our families and the fact that we have a newborn baby together. Then he had an epiphany one day. He can’t even tell me how he came to this realization, but he decided he was tired of carrying on like he was and wanted his family. Now we are here, hurt beyond all measure, lost, angry, tired and we have no idea how to communicate. We end up in screaming matches saying hurtful things to each other. We both want to work on our marriage but all we can see and feel is the pain, his pain and my pain. We just want to move past this and we feel like Affair Recovery is our last hope.

Losing my high school sweetheart

We've been married for 35 years. We dated in high school, we continued in college until I broke up with him to date others, with the idea that I needed to "shop around" to make sure he was the right one. I believed he was a kind, gentle, fair man, soft-spoken....a lot like my Dad. I felt we had the same values and moral upbringing. I knew I loved him and I felt he loved me. We married in 1978 and started a family. In the mid-90's he met a married coworker with whom he had an EA. I discovered it accidentally when I was looking at our cell phone bill. He explained it away...they were "just friends", she had breast cancer and he was just checking up on her. He had also become somewhat verbally abusive to me and a mean temper began to show up. Yet I forgave and stayed in the marriage, hoping I could be a better wife and make him proud of me. This temper continued for the next 18 years, but I endured it...you know "for better, for worse". Fast forward 18 years and I find suggestive text messages on his work phone from the same woman. I found many lies. When I confronted him with my evidence, they were again "just friends" and he "wouldn't give her up". He is unremorseful, shows no desire to help me heal from this by talking about the EA and answering my questions. His verbal abuse has escalated into physical intimidation, including things like actually spitting in my face, raising his fist as if to hit, getting nose to nose and screaming at me. It is 8 months and counting. I am devastated still, although the pain has dissipated somewhat, it is still there. I don't know how to heal by myself. I am seeing a therapist, but the suggestions made just don't seem to work. This just goes too deep. I mean, this is TWICE with the same woman!! That tells me he that he never got over the first EA or it has kept on for the past 18 years without my knowledge. I finally moved out of our home to try to find some peace and just think, but still need guidance to get to the roots of why I am so ambivalent some days, angry some days, inconsolable some days, and downright vengeful some days. This is a terrible way to live. I know that I can never have my marriage back the way it was in the beginning, nor will my husband ever be the same. I have lost so much respect for him and I am not sure if trust can ever truly be rebuilt if I stay. I need help, please. I just can't seem to cast aside 35 years with my high school sweetheart and yet I can't continue to live with these feelings of pain and deceit. I pray everyday for God to lead me and my husband to the place HE need us to be. Maybe, for me, that is Harboring Hope.

Two Feet on the Ground

My D-day will be 1yr on November 6. It has been really rough to say the least. I feel like I have lost so much of my life, everday I work so hard at keeping two feet on the ground and my thoughts together. This is not a easy task. My husband and I are high - school sweet hearts!! We have been on a tremendous journey together and after almost 20yrs of marriage and three great kids, he turned my world inside out. I have the good days and the bad. He has not even come close to how badly he has wounded me, he just doesn't get it. It is so Frustrating! !! Working hard at keeping it together.

I said never again

My D-day was eight years ago, my husband had 4 year affair with a co worker. I found this site and dragged myself out of a dark hole. Although he was supportive of everything I needed to do, he didn't participate. I know relapse can reoccur if you don't . He was embarrassed and remorseful. For the last several years we've been happy, my family is thriving, We have shared lots of affection and love, there was no hint of anything wrong, and believe me I looked. He went shopping last weekend, no biggie. I planned a surprise rare little alone time. Needless to say when he couldn't be romantic when he got home, and it turned out to be my fault. Armed with all the excuses he had used years ago, in the same voice, and the same look on his face. I've known this man intimately for twenty years, I know when "it" works and doesn't. He says there is no one else, he hasn't done anything, he just wasn't in the mood. So I'm fighting wanting to believe him, and trying to trust my intuition, could he really have hidden this away, he didn't the last time, but I also learned that he's one heck of a liar. He must keep a separate phone, he doesn't even have an email account that I know of, part of our agreement. If he is meeting his AP then it isn't very often, but I do remember a few times that I thought something was up and decided to trust. I didn't believe this could possibly hurt worse than the last time. I'm not functioning, I've got four little ones that need me, and I'm trying, but they know something isn't right already. I need help, I need to learn to shut the door on my marriage, I said never again. It will mean putting kids in daycare, finding a good job, and moving, I'm having a hard time crushing the dreams my kids don't even realize they have. The older ones tell me how lucky they are to have two parents. From experience my husband and I don't do well apart, we will argue and hate each other. I know I'm not making any sense, I need help. The husband has not said one word about this, we only talk about what needs to be done, nothing else, just silence. I really can't do this alone again.

Faith HOPE and Love

Six months ago my husband revealed his infidelity. We have been all over the map searching for healing. It seems to be a severe stronghold and it just became clear to me that I'm not safe in this relationship. One moment he's willing to do whatever it takes and get help for healing, the next minute he's repulsed by even the thought of a future w me.
I'm so hurt and broken. I love him, failures and all. I'm working at forgiving and desperately need healing. I need to learn how to be safe, for myself and our son. I don't have any idea how to "guard my heart". I feel like I freely give love and my heart has been demolished over and over and over again. I need help and would love the opportunity to take Harboring Hope. The losses of this year are too high to count. I've been left financially destitute. I'm praying for favor! God help me!

Hopeful to be capable of harboring hope

Coming face-to-face with a fear is always a painful experience. Fear and feeling pain are things I have avoided dealing with all my life through control, denial, avoidance, food, perfectionism. In discovering my husband's affairs and sexual addiction, I expected it to be difficult harboring hope. I expected this. I was unprepared, however, for the weight of the water that the tidal wave of truth confronted and washing-machined me with. I was unprepared for clawing for the surface only to be sucked under and whirled about yet again. It is an experience that causes reevaluation of one's life, attempting to assimilate one of your greatest horrors into your story, while continuing to drown in painful emotions. As helpful as the communities of Celebrate Recovery, individual counseling for healing from childhood abuse and marital counseling have been, I know I need a community dedicated to recovering from these affairs. Healing and health for my spouse will take time, more time than I have capability to hold out for. Yet, I know that God is promising healing. I know God is promising a harvest in the future from this process. I know a little better now what the cross cost Jesus, how much His forgiveness and reconciliation cost Him and how little I have esteemed that price tag. In attempting to earn His love, I have slapped Him by revealing how little I realized that cost. I have set a high standard for my performance to earn love, yet that standard is significantly lower than God's and I cannot reach even my own standard of goodness to earn love. I am confronted with the inability to receive love from God in my shame, yet aware that He is now the only true source of trustworthy, unconditional love that I am now desperately gasping for. And that is where a community like Harboring Hope comes in: when others have some tiny hint of a clue how much pain I am experiencing, when they can validate this experience for me, I know it will give me the hope I need to hang in there until this wave spits me out and I can get some air and rest.

Drawing for Free Harboring Hope

Right now all I'm harboring is anger and resentment...... so Harboring Hope (the course, as well as the entire concept) sounds very appealing. My husband was unfaithful 4 years ago. I knew it when it happened but he denied everything, continually, until about 2 months ago. He said he got tired of lying about it and the fact that I was obviously "emotionally tortured" by what I "thought I knew" made him 'fess up. So kind of him to do so right after our youngest daughter had surgery and his mother was in the next room, by the way. His infidelity included at least 2 encounters with a coworker and several visits to a strip club for lap dances. Because it was so many years ago, he's frustrated with my inability to just "move on" and "put it behind us." I'm sure he also feels rather justified since I was unfaithful once (a single one-night stand) almost 20 years ago. We received counseling then, had the support of family and friends, and I thought things were resolved. But now that the tables have turned, he seems uninterested in doing any of the things I did to help save the marriage. We've confided in no one and I feel very alone. To be quite honest, he almost seems bored with my roller coaster emotions and doesn't strike me as sincerely sorry about the entire situation at all. It is my opinion that he's sorry it's still an issue, he's sorry he is forced to address it with me, and he's sorry that he even had to admit it to me. I currently have no reassurance that this won't happen again, or that it isn't happening as I type, and I need to work on how to make myself emotionally happy/stable again - with or without him. Thanks for taking the time to read this entry.

Harboring Hope Free Course

I have been married 14 years with two children who are young. I made a terrible choice and want to desperately save my marriage. After months of unsuccessful therapy, my spouse and I finished the EMSO online course and its been the only thing that has moved us forward. I am so grateful for EMSO online and would like to continue the recovery process and learn more about being a healer to our marriage.

hope you're an anchor for my soul

My husband had an affair 2.5 years ago. I have walked to hell and back attempting to heal and reconcile our marriage. At this point, I lost and defeated. There isn't anything else I know to do and the pain is my constant companion. My favorite verse is Hebrews 6:19. I can't imagine a life without hope. Never had I considered the possibility of coming up against something in my life that would be seem insurmountable. Everything I believe in and know to be true tells me that it's not possible for satan to win because he's already lost. But my heart is so heavy, this pain will not stop and I don't know where else to turn. I don't know what else to do. I must be crazy.

HH free course?

i'm only 1 month+ since discovery of my wife's affair. she has disclosed little to me. i wonder who this woman is right now, constantly texting friends, coworkers, going out gambling, drinking, all while i stay home with our 2 children. she hasn't given me much hope for moving forward with "us" even though i've made it clear i am hoping to. i've immersed myself in a few friends, books, counseling, and this site seeking help. i need more help than that for the roller coaster of emotions i'm riding. we've been married over 9 years and now it all feels like a sham. i feel we have a strong enough past to get passed the present for a hopeful, strong future but i don't see her helping us get there. i miss my wife and best friend, hope this helps me find her and bring her back to where she is loved. back to completing our marriage, as now it is incomplete. i feel so hollow and empty without her.

Harboring Hope entry

I would like to take the Harboring Hope course in my sincere hope to overcome the feelings of isolation that I have found myself in since D-day, 1 year and 1 month ago. In my pain, I have withdrawn from my friends and feel as if I am no longer the vibrant, happy, joyful woman that I was before the ugly truth was discovered and my life and my world as I knew it was shattered. I have kept my husband's infidelity a secret from almost everyone in my life because of the utter humiliation I feel at being betrayed---and being betrayed for a very long time---six long, dark years of betrayal. We had been married for 14 years when my husband started committing adultery with a secretary in his workplace. Our youngest son had just turned 4 years old at the time. Although I knew something had drastically changed in our marriage, and felt like I had lost the wonderful, loving man I had married, I attributed the negative changes within my husband to any number of things, none of which were adultery: PTSD (my husband is a decorated war veteran), the normal progression of a marriage with small children, mid-life crisis/depression, etc, etc....never imagining that the person I trusted the most in the entire world, with my everything, could hurt me so deeply and so profoundly in the worst way imaginable. I have suffered and lived with a man who had become a stranger, someone who was unloving, moody, irritable, negative, cold and distant for six, long years. Despite that, I have never stopped loving him, never stopped trying to reach him, never stopped having hope for our marriage and I have NEVER stopped praying for God to rescue our marriage and make it awesome again. God has done an amazing restoration in our marriage and within my husband, but I still find myself in a dark pit of despair sometimes, wondering if I will ever feel like myself again, wondering if I will ever trust my husband again, and wondering if I will ever trust myself again to know the difference between lies, betrayal and deception and the truth. I am having a hard time reconciling those years---I truly don't know how to come to terms with the loss I feel when I think of the incredible waste of so many years of my life, my husband's life and our family's life. The loss of control, which I never had anyway, feels overwhelming and I continually clamor for an anchor to help me hold on. I feel isolated and alone and just need someone to show me the way to find peace or normalcy again. I need to know that after the length and depth of betrayal that I have suffered, a better, richer more intimate marriage is possible. I need hope that it is possible to overcome the pain and get back to living life to the fullest again.

Hope Wanted

D-day for me was 7/14/13. My wife of 15 years had an affair with a younger coworker. She finally ended it (supposedly) when I threatened to leave. The past 6 months have been the hardest in my life. Initially, I nearly collapsed. The amount of stress and anxiety were unbelievable. Only when I found Affair Recovery did I find some hope. We are in counseling and some progress is being made, but it's 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I don't know that either of us is committed to this marriage anymore. I have had to take point and push to get help, as she's been seemingly unable to pull herself out of whatever dark place she's in. For me, I need to heal, and I need to take care of myself, regardless of where we wind up. I cannot lose myself to this unbelievable betrayal. I need healing for me. After reading so much here, I truly believe that it's possible for us to reconcile. But I need to heal for myself and my kids, regardless of whether our relationship survives or not. Sometimes I'm so weary of dealing with all the pain and emotion, all the suspicion, all the anger, the complete destruction of our life together. I look forward to Harbor for Hope to help me survive and recover. I'm worth it.

Reaching Out For Hope

24 yrs of marriage and on 12/27 discovered that my wife had been abused by her mom since childhood and this had lead to alcohol/drug abuse and 4 separate affairs that she has kept hidden for our entire marriage. Looking for any help from anybody I can find. Have read just about every free resource you have and still longing for answers and healing.

Love that won't quit

About a year before my husband had an affair that really tore us apart I asked Jesus to show me places where I was harboring resentment for things my husband had done and said to me . The Holy Spirit did and I began asking for forgiveness in those places. He said he forgave but I know he doesn't know what forgiveness truly is. I asked Jesus to give me his heart for my man, and he did. I understand the guy's issues from childhood, what he needed and why he needed so much and I love him ferociously, but he "just moved on" and divorced me, is now engaged and filing to annul our marriage through the Catholic Church . There is no hope for reconciliation because of his attitude, but I'm still stuck loving him and praying God recreates in him the man of godliness he was intended to be. I need to break the soul tie to move on myself, hard knowing God could have spoken to him but evidently doesn't want to, can't or won't .

Losing Hope - Register for Free Program

I waited to get married a little later in my life because I did not want to get divorced and the men I had dated in my past I just could not see "til death do us part".
Then I met my husband. I have been married less than 2 years. My husband and I dated 5 full years before we were married. With my husband I could FINALLY see forever. Now I’m put in a situation where I never had wanted to be. I never thought I would be here. Shortly after we married I suspected my husband of infidelity. However, I blew it off because there was no way he would cheat on me as we had only been married 6 weeks!! Boy, was I wrong. In July of 2013, I found out that he was seeing someone.
My husband refuses, absolutely refuses to go to counseling. I am on my own. He won’t as much as read a book or participates in a daily exercise my counselors have given me. I am at a loss. My husband tells me he loves me, tells, me he doesn’t want a divorce but continues to do these things to me. He never did this before he was married to me.
I have become a suspicious angry nag. I don’t want to be that way. I hate the person I have become. I want to learn how to handle my situation the correct way. I don’t know what to do to save my marriage or turn it around and I don’t know how to leave. I am beaten down emotionally and need help back up, to learn to set boundaries that I can stick with and not sound like I’m his mother.
I would like to move on beyond the hurt and betrayal but I need the skills to do that. I took my vows seriously and I want to make every effort I can before I quit.
I NEED the Harboring Hope program. I don’t know what else to do or where to turn.

Stuck in my negative thoughts

My husband and I are currently in EMSO and his efforts are minimal so my hope that he will " get it" are fading. I am still having continuous thoughts about the affair, how my husband treated my during the affair and about the AP. He still tells me that she is the standard he judges all other women against. I feel like the most worthless person on earth. That he only stayed with me because of our daughter and the possible financial loss if we divorced. I wish he was more supportive of helping make our marriage better but he is leaving it all up to me to " get over it". Harboring Hope would give me additional support.

trying to heal

My husband (unfaithful) has so much emotional baggage from his childhood that he hasn't dealt with, yet claims there is no possibility that he could ever be unfaithful again. I don't feel secure, especially since he threatens to leave whenever I want to talk about the affair in order to promote my own healing.

Is it hopeless?

I am finding it increasingly hard to hold onto the hope for healing as time goes on. Everyone (including my husband) is telling me to take my time and time will heal. Unfortunately, time seems to be showing me that he can still lie very easily and that he is more concerned about "finding himself" rather than repairing the damage done to his family. I'm beginning to lose hope that reconciliation is even possible.

Hannah

May 6, 2014 was my D -Day. It has been over a year and I still find myself in shock that my husband of 12 years has committed the ultimate betrayal. My spouse is remorseful and trying to do all the right things to make our marriage work. I find myself drowning in a sea of ugly emotions and thoughts that I never imagined I could ever possess. I don't know how to move forward without wanting to inflict the same pain onto him as he has done to me. I'm scared of allowing him back into my heart for I never want to feel this ever again. HELP!!!

Harboring Hope Free Course

It has been 2 weeks since d-day. We are still living together, pretending for the children. I want him back, but he is not the same. He is still hiding things from me, I can sense it. I don't know what God wants me to do, I need His strength to carry me through this.

It helped me so lets help my BFF!

I took the course and learned so much from it - it saved me - thank you all so much! I now have my BFF who was there for me every day in the situation where I was 15 months ago. In terrible grief, pain, loss and sadness - to a depth that feels like no return to a happy life is possible. I found from your program that's so untrue, and so to help my BFF with the expert advice that this course and people offer I want her to have hope and comfort too! Her assets are frozen and this would help make it bearable. I am there for her but that's not comparable to what you offer! Thanks again and we did the whole program after HH including Texas weekend, marriage for life -the couples group after, and hubby did the men's group too ! He is still in touch with them! We made it and are stronger and better for it! Please help me give my BFF the same opportunity! Her situation is different from mine but the pain is similar and she's at that low point of severe grief - I hope to help her with this!

infidelity; betrayed

In April of this year my world came crashing down when I discovered my husband was "just a friend" with a previous co-worker. Although I'm fairly certain it was very early in the relationship his consistant denial, lies and choosing to continue his relationship with her over me caused me A LOT of distress. I have chosen to work through this as has my husband but I am having a very difficult time emotionally recovering. I know it is still early but I don't like the roller coaster I am on and feel that something structured to work on would help give me some direction and not be so all over the place. I would love to be able to have us do all three of your online courses but we are not in a place financially for that to be a possibility.

Our story is much worse

Harboring Hope symbolizes a beacon of light that will help me through this darkness. My husband is presently living with the affair partner. It’s been off and on since May of 2013. I found out in August of that year. They also had a relationship in 2006 then I found out about in August. The lies and the betrayal have hurt me emotionally and physically. I filed for divorce, but now it’s at a standstill. He says he is leaving her. Since he lives in another city, I don’t know what to believe. There’s no talk of rebuilding our relationship, but I need help so that I can go on. We have been married 38 years and have 2 adult sons. Before this happened, I knew something was wrong. My husband made excuses, but I thought there was love and commitment. Now, I don’t know what to believe. I just want this roller coaster to be over. I have to know if I should keep hoping or give up and find another path in my life’s journey. I do know I need help for myself. I hope that my name will be drawn, so that I can start my healing process.

I just want hope.

This is overwhelming to try to put into words what I'm feeling and going through. I desperately want hope. Not just for my marriage, but for my own personal life. It's been almost 6 months since discovery. The AP is pregnant with my husbands first son. We already have a 2 year old daughter together. We are trying to work on our marriage. But since he "fell in love" with this women, the affair lasted over a year, and now she is carrying his first son, I don't know how in the world to cope. Will the pain ever stop? It feels unbearable too many times and I just don't want to live this life anymore. I don't want this testimony. But I know my God is bigger. That's why I'm here. I want to believe it's possible for me to breathe again. I know that the most important thing after an affair, is to cut off communication with the AP...but that cannot be done because she has his child.
We are currently separated but still seeing each other and working on moving forward. Neither one of us wants a divorce, but maybe it's inevitable. I don't know. He's so overwhelmed with shame and guilt and hatred for what he did to everyone involved. And I'm so overwhelmed with pain. We are just stuck and do not know what to do now. I think I'm at the point where I have to just help myself and that's why I'm here.

Praying for mess to become message no matter what the end result

D-day was just over a year ago. After attending EMS Weekend things improved. Then it just seemed like it crashed again. He moved out a month ago as he found out that our daughter discovered the affair. I have spent the last 20 plus years taking care of him as he as discovered at EMS is an ACOA kid (Adult Child of an Alcohiolic) thanks to Rick. This I am sure is a large part of his inability to have healthy intimate relationships. It is time I take care of myself. I need to heal as I too have discovered through therapy that I am an ACOA kid. I did not suffer any abuse or witness it as my husband did. He is finally going weekly to therapy and is actually getting the help I have so longed for him to get. God is able to heal but my husband still has free will. Of course I want healing for us and our family, but it is out of my control. I need to find healing for me for a change and put myself first. I am working on it but have a long way to go. I need to just focus on the Shepherd and not the Butcher and live out my favorite verse tells us, Jeremiah 29:11~ For I know the plans I have for you, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future". God is in control. I want to heal for myself, my kids and to be the strong Christian woman God desires me to be so that I can make Him proud. If it is in His plan to restore our marriage, that is wonderful. I pray we can use our mess to become a message to help others like Rick and his wife are doing. If not, I pray I can help others who may someday go down this path. I also want to become more educated regarding ACOA for our healing but to share the information with others as 1 in 4 people are ACOA kids. For all betrayed, focus on God, then yourself. May God draw you closer to Him so you can hear His voice while you are in the valley. P.S. beautiful things grow in the valley, not on the mountain tops. May God bless us all and He be glorified in all our lives.

Beautiful things grow in the

Beautiful things grow in the valley...that is sooo true! I am going to cling to that today. Thank you for sharing! I am only 52 days from D-day and the valley is hard and full of anguish. No words to describe this walk through the valley. I will not stay in this valley, one step forward everyday.

Ready to turn the page

It’s been a year and a half since the initial discovery of my husband’s infidelity. Several lies and relapses later, I find that I am living in a cocoon.

I am a shell of my former self. That sparkle I once had has diminished. That smile I once wore has faded. I want so badly to shed my skin but fear in doing so I will find only more pain. Yet even inside the cocoon, I feel very little…very little joy, very little happiness, very little anything. I feel stuck between hopelessness and hopefulness.

In the past year and a half I have felt grief and anger and despair. I have begged and pleaded. I have shouldered (some of) the blame. I have lived in shame. I have mistrusted. But I have learned to offer grace. I have swallowed my pride. I have learned to sit in stillness. I have become trustworthy. I have accepted that the affair details are part of this chapter in our story.

I am scared, but I am ready to turn the page and begin a new chapter. But, I need more hope. I need stories of success. I need to hear of relationships that have survived or at the very least people who have crawled out of their cocoons and become whole once again.

Hope is what everyone desires and needs

I am in need of experienced infidelity counseling as I am approx 3 months post D-day and my spouse is still in the ambivalent phase. All people desire and need hope. Hope for healing, hope for strength, hope for happiness again. I seek all those things plus more. I don't want to waste another day, hour or minute flailing aimlessly in this storm. I need help with finding and maintaing my hope.

Can’t Live With or Without Her

Six weeks after discovery, our 18-year marriage stumbles forward in crisis. My wife remains mutually in love with her AP. While communications with the AP are in a holding pattern, these precarious days of our marriage have no clear end date; it seems everybody’s on probation. Dialogue with my wife has been excellent, but an unresolved elephant-in-the-room tears us apart with each day.

My wife’s 12-month affair is with a younger divorced single man with two young children. The final 4 months were physical. As the leaders of their respective small businesses, the two companies jointly work for residential clients. Because the affair was masked via these business relations, I dismissed dozens and dozens of signs. As I look back, my wife’s tone during the physical stage of the affair became surprisingly decisive and aggressive, leading me to finally see the light.

Two weeks after D-Day, with her husband in meltdown, she told her partner that all communications must stop do she can work with her husband. Over a few weeks, we confronted each other about the marriage and affair and got it out on the table. My wife is now confused, indecisive, and apparently “sorting through her thoughts”. She has one foot in and one foot out. I believe she struggles with commitments made with the affair partner’s guidance on the path forward. He controls her, dormant conditions or not.

Meanwhile, I struggle with denial and wishful thinking. I “test the waters” that she wants to be with me vs. him. She’s cordial and respectful—like a close friend—but emotionally she’s largely gone and cold. Each day erodes my denial and wishful thinking, as my heart hardens. I realize I must be patient.

Recently, at week 6, I discovered the dormant communications were false; they had continued albeit minimal and idle for the prior 10 days. I’m thrown back to square 1. Through this, I had a similar reaction: My hardening heart seems much better prepared to weather the emotional storm this time.

The cause of the affair is complicated (aren’t they all?). A triggering event was my inattentiveness during a difficult time, particularly the last 18 months when I diverted my energy to one sustained work crisis after another, which eventually spiraled downward to the loss of my job. Regardless of challenges at the office, she tuned me out 12 months ago and pursued the healing of the affair.

The good news is she accepts my wishes for recovery, including disclosure and marriage counseling. Our recent communications have been the closest ever. She “agrees” to an upcoming EMS, but she is reluctant. Thus, communications protocols and some emotional stability have been restored.

We have two kids in mid/late teens.

As the injured spouse, I hope to receive guidance, and some healing, with AR’s Harboring Help for Men. I hope the program caters to my situation and provides access to a “community” of others going through similar situations.

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