I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of watching the movie "The Princess Bride", but it is possibly one of the greatest movies ever made. (Not really, but I have to admit it's one of my favorites and if you haven't watched it you need to.) There is nothing better than watching a movie about "True Love." It's a story of how Wesley and Buttercup overcome adversity for the sake of "True Love" in order to be united in a blissful union. In one of my favorite scenes, as Westley heads off to storm the castle with his sidekicks and rescue his beloved Buttercup, Miracle Max and his wife Valerie yell after them "have fun storming the castle boys!" She then turns to her husband and asks "do you think it will work?" "It would take a miracle" he replies.

And so it seems with our relationships. Our souls resonate with the theme expressed in the movie. We long to experience what Westley and Buttercup portray. We humans relentlessly pursue what we don't have in an attempt to obtain what we believe will finally fulfill our desires.

Our only problem is it never works. What we call "true love" is based on a concept called romanticism. Romanticism is based on the dynamic of two individuals longing to be together, but who are separated by life's circumstances. Romanticism can only apply to love outside of marriage and the ingredients always consist of secrecy and mystery (such as the stolen glances or secret opportunities). Romanticized relationships, therefore, have a premarital or extra-marital association. Poets rarely write of the romantic love of marriage, the care required for children, or the mutuality of love in old age. Romanticized love, by its own definition, is something "beyond" or "out of this world" which cannot be contained in the defined walls of a marriage. The theme never differs; it is always the same song with a different verse. Consider the great romantic plots through the ages, such as Romeo and Juliet, Wuthering Heights, or movies like “You've got Mail” or “Pretty Woman.” There are endless examples, all with the same theme of two individuals searching for the fulfillment of love, longing to be together, but whose efforts are tragically foiled by circumstances. Even more telling is what happens at the end of these stories, when they finally manage to come together. The curtain falls, the movie ends and the sitcom goes off the air.

At best relationships based on romanticism are immature. Indeed, they contain intense emotions, but they are not about mature love. Instead they are based on wanting what I don't have and the sacrifices I'm willing to make to get what I want. They are not based on what's in the best interest of another, rather they are based on what I believe I need in order to be happy.

While romanticism is based on wanting what you don't have, marriage is based on having what you don't want. There always comes a point in marital relationships where we are crushed or disappointed by our mate and it's not until that moment that we have the opportunity to really love another.

Until that moment love is based on the belief that you can complete me; being with you will result in happiness for me. But after that moment, when hope is crushed and I've abandoned my illusion of you being what I need, then my love (if I'm able to love) becomes something far more mature and divine. It becomes selfless.

Often after a betrayal, in my mind, I hear the words of Miracle Max and Valerie yelling "have fun storming the castle." Then, I hear their private exchange "do you think it will work?" "It would take a miracle." The biggest blessing of working with couples recovering from the devastation created by infidelity is the opportunity to see miracle after miracle. By the grace of God we do have the ability to forgive and the ability to "truly love." My prayer is for you to experience the true love that comes when you least deserve it.

February 2007