As I was answering questions during our last radio program, I realized that we’ve done a poor job of explaining the root of anger. Generally, it seems much is written about managing anger, but not as much about the roots. I’ve also been guilty of that trend, so let’s remedy the situation.
Anger is generally a secondary emotion generated by other feelings. Now there are exceptions and not all anger is negative. In my mind, anger only goes negative when it becomes destructive in your life or in the lives of others. There are certainly ways to manage anger to keep it from being destructive, but eliminating the root of anger is an easier way of taking care of the problem. As Michael Wells says, “Don’t sweep cobwebs, kill the spider.”
Resentment:
An inability to let go of resentment will frequently result in anger. If the resentment isn’t released, it will result in either anger or perceived victim status. It’s difficult at best to let go of resentments, but doing so is a gift you give yourself. It has little or nothing to do with the other person. Please don’t think that forgiving a wrong perpetrated against you is the same as condoning another’s hurtful actions. Rather, resentment perpetuates the harm perpetrated by the other person; it keeps the hurt going. The resulting anger robs you of your peace. Remember, forgiveness is not about reconciliation; rather it’s an act of self-liberation that frees you from being a prisoner of the past and allows you to live in peace with your past.
Soul Wounds:
Another significant source of anger is soul wounds. Our past is fraught with occurrences where the very essence of our identity was wounded and where we began to believe lies about who we are. The memories where these lies are anchored can hold significant amounts of anger. When similar circumstances occur in the present, the old wounds resurface and old emotions echo from the past influencing how we feel in the present. These wounds can be a significant source of anger and can cause our emotional response to a circumstance to be exaggerated to say the least. We can have a $500 response to a $5 incident. If you find you tend to overreact to circumstances, then it might be worthwhile to seek professional help to determine if there is a past wound affecting your ability to have peace in the moment.
Guilt:
It may sound strange, but guilt is also a source of anger. I don’t know about you, but each time I get caught for speeding, I get mad. Now it’s not that I’m not guilty, it’s the fact that my first response to guilt is anger. I hate it when I’m called to account for my bad actions. In fact, many of us will use anger as a way to push away our guilt. Our defensiveness and anger are often a measure of guilt. If you find yourself dealing with anger, a great exercise is making a personal inventory and honestly focus on your own areas of failure and see if your anger is a way of avoiding taking responsibility for your own actions.
Inferiority:
We have a strange way of giving others power over our life. If we feel we are being disrespected or another is making us feel “less than,” anger is a common response. We hate it when others fail to value or affirm us. If I’m riding in my car with my friend Alex and someone fails to turn right on red (even after I’ve honked my horn), Alex and I might be furious. But why is that? Alex would probably say something like “the dude cost us at least 15 seconds; I think we should kill him.” I might throw in some other choice words at the other driver for not thinking about others on the road. We are so dependent on the opinions and actions of others to grant us a sense of worth, that we will destroy another for their failure to esteem us. If you’re angry, look to see if your response is based on feeling inferior.
Fear:
There are times when fear is at the root of anger. The "fight or flight” response is a God-given mechanism intended for self-protection. In the moment of danger, we will frequently utilize anger as a method of self-protection. Don’t misunderstand; there are times to honor your fear. There are circumstances that are not safe, but not all fear is justified and at times anger blinds us to its root. When asking yourself “why am I angry?” always ask if the root is fear. You’ll find it’s far more productive to deal with your fear than it is to deal with anger. If fear is the root, then focus on how to increase safety.
Righteous Indignation:
I saved the best for last. At times anger is justified. When a wrong is done and needs to be corrected, then anger serves an intended purpose. Even in this case, however, it’s important to manage anger. If you believe in the concept of love, then it’s important to be loving, and that is not the same as being abusive. While angry, it is still possible to speak the truth in love. It’s o.k. to right a wrong, but be sure to stay within the bounds of love as you follow your quest.
As this new year begins, I hope and pray your search for the roots of anger will result in a new found peace for yourself and for those you love.
January 2008
