Affair Recovery

It's s common occurrence that unfaithful spouses can be ambivalent, not sure who to choose. Today, I want to help the unfaithful understand how to move through ambivalence and how to make a choice that will eventually promote healing for all parties involved.

After the discovery of my spouse's infidelity, I felt like I no longer knew our history. It was important for him and I to develop a shared history so I could know what happened. There were 3 questions that were critical for me to achieve full disclosure. I share these questions along with the help they gave me and my spouse to achieve healing.

Samuel discusses some practical suggestions for helping both spouses cope with reminders and triggers while also pointing out what not to do to make things worse while recovering from an affair.

As I watch my daughter swimming in the lake, I see her head tilted back and face just barely above water. She is fully safe, and a strong swimmer but struggles with swimming in the lake with all the wind and waves working against her. I am quickly reminded of the time I felt I was barely surviving. Infidelity was an unexpected wave that tried to drown me. My head was barely above water.

There is definitely a survival mode that happens after D-Day. Managing emotions, protecting kids, counseling; really just attempting to fulfill any of my many responsibilities. It was exhausting, emotional and seemed to last a lifetime. In reality, a few months into trying to stay afloat, I was tired of just trying to survive.

I didn’t want to just survive marital betrayal. I didn’t want...

“But we’re different”

It’s touchy. You feel like no one is feeling what you’re feeling and like you’re out on this island all by yourself. You feel like your spouse is on a completely different island.

You feel like no one gets it.

You feel like no one understands. You wonder is there really any hope for your specific situation with all the carnage that has happened.  

I felt that way. Samantha felt that way. The idiosyncrasies to our fiasco wasn’t so simple,  normal or able to fit into some simple three step triage plan that you could read about on a generic marriage website.

We were right. We were a mess and our situation was highly complex.

But, I have to tell you, every situation is highly complex and messy. I don’t know...

I’ve either played or coached baseball almost my entire life.  I grew up loving the game and I’m privileged that my sons also love the game. It’s in many ways a mirror of life and has taught me more about life than I could share in any one blog.

When coaching outfielders it’s common to hear coaches instruct outfielders to “run to a spot” and find the ball.  It’s this habit pattern coaches try to pound into the mind of a good outfielder as they can then adjust, find the ball in the air and make what everyone else on the defensive side hopes is a fantastic catch. Rather than just running haphazardly, running to a spot intimates there is a plan for these types of situations.

It’s the same way in life. When something happens to us, we run to a spot. That spot can...

Before I found out about the affairs, I remember obsessively checking my husband’s stuff. Late at night I’d sneak out of the bedroom and scurry around the house to investigate. I’d find his laptop, check his social media accounts, scan his text messages; my reconnaissance began to control my life through my thoughts. Once I gathered whatever “evidence” I was seeking, I would lay back in bed and run these thoughts through my mind. “Who is he texting?”, “What is he doing when I’m not around?”, “Is he having inappropriate conversations?” There was obviously some truth to my suspicion, but at the time there was no rhyme or reason as to how to sort the truth from the lies. My mind was like a rat in a wheel, spinning like crazy through every possible scenario.

As soon as the...

When in recovery after infidelity, it's critical to have a 'Spotter' - Someone who has navigated the stormy waters of infidelity. Let's discuss why this is important and who should be and who shouldn't be the 'Spotter' in your recovery.

My husband and I turned on a romantic-comedy the other night. We ended up on some Cameron Diaz movie and what is the premise??? Infidelity. We don't talk about it, just get in our movie trance and watch the movie unfold.

20 minutes in I find myself laughing hysterically! I glance at my husband, who has a straight face, and say "I can't believe I'm laughing." He smiles at me and replies, "me either".

We are over 4 years out from D day and our story is certainly no laughing matter. Our story involves betrayal, hurt, anger and many moments of hopelessness and chaos! Through my discovery of forgiveness, and eventual willingness to extend it to my husband for his infidelity, I've been freed! The chains I once felt imprisoned to are gone! My hurts sometimes rear up and...

Marriages develop patterns, some good and some bad. It’s just what spending your life with someone does. When that marriage has been affected by infidelity, there usually is not only a pattern but a power struggle which emerges.  I’d like to highlight two power struggles, or scenarios if you will, that seem to be very common when dealing with infidelity and ambivalence.

The unfaithful cheats and the betrayed are not only devastated but continues to pursue the unfaithful.  The unfaithful may still be involved with the affair partner or simply may be ambivalent, and the betrayed will do whatever it takes to save the marriage. Change, adapt, own what they need to own, maybe even beg plead and barter if only the unfaithful will come back home. The unfaithful may show signs...

We, the unfaithful, don’t like the emotion of the betrayed. We’d prefer the betrayed to stuff it down and not show much emotion at all. It provides a much more stable environment and doesn’t force us to have to face the fact that we’ve damaged our spouse and made some horrible choices.

I was talking to a friend the other day and she shared about how she had forced herself to be numb for so long, that her latent emotions (from being betrayed) and compressed trauma was finally beginning to come out. For the betrayed, it’s often times like this waterfall of emotion that you wonder how you can control it. It just keeps coming and coming. The triggers happen faster than you can predict and before you know it, you’re a wreck.

I hated when Samantha was emotional. It turned my...

Often times we get into power struggles when we’re trying to get healthy. Time after time a betrayed spouse will force their mate into the power struggle of “choose me or your affair partner, right here, right now.” While I loudly applaud their willingness to not be codependent and I further support their right to draw a line in the sand, it’s just not usually that simple in many cases.

I’m sure if you’re a betrayed spouse, I’ve already ruffled your feathers this early in the morning, and I’m sorry to do that. I only mean to bring about clarity. Let me explain a bit further.

The fact is, if your spouse has been involved in an affair with one person for at least a few months and it’s now a full blown relationship, you’re competing with a fantasy. An illusion. A...

There are a few really impacting definitions of what it means to undermine. Take for example Dictionary.com’s: to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth.

Or Miriam Webster’s: to make (someone or something) weaker or less effective usually in a secret or gradual way.

So often in our own personal recovery, we undermine ourselves. We aren’t typically aware of it. We don’t usually see it until someone points it out to us or we actually are ‘present’ or ‘aware’ enough to have a moment of personal clarity or revelation.

I undermine myself and the next day’s productivity when I stay up late at night working, writing or just plain watching TV to escape the pressures of life. I...

Suffering or adversity in life is often times treated as though it’s a mistake and shouldn’t happen to us at all. We think it’s not supposed to happen financially or emotionally, and certainly not maritally. Fact is though, what we suffer through in life teaches us an incredible amount about life, reality, God, and ourselves.

My family and I each have a few things we are suffering through.  No we’re not homeless, thank God, and no we’re not in the middle of marital crisis like we were nine years ago. But all of us are in the middle of some tough stuff emotionally and physically. I hate that I have to go through it, that Samantha has to go through it and that our kids must face what they are encountering as some of it seems debilitating. I treat adversity like it shouldn’t...