As a betrayed spouse, I thank you for the honesty. I was fed one lie after another, little by little. I didn't even learn HALF of the truth until the day my spouse--the love of my life--moved out to pursue her AP. One year after D-Day I still don't know the truth. I remember one day when I suddenly figured out the truth and told her, "Okay, I know something. I am tired of begging for answers. What I know is really big. But I want to hear you say it. Tell me." She knew just what I was talking about and confessed. She said, "You almost act relieved." I was. Truth matters. But not to narcissistic liars.

My husband had an "emotional affair" with a subordinate at work. However, this EA was one more business trip away from becoming a physical affair as well. Long story short, the time came to "blow it up", so I printed out the pictures, emails, texts etc. and my husband had no choice but to at least acknowledge that what I had been saying for a year was true. My husband was about a year away from retirement, so I had to go along to get along insofar as his "girlfriend" still worked under him (Ha! Ha!) really wasn't able to make waves per say. I might need half of that pension ;) Disclosure was absolutely ridiculous. It took 6 months to pry the truth out of him; he was not going to give me anything without a fight. Everyone is different. Some want to know everything, some want to know that it is over and done and that is good enough for them. I had to know exactly what I was dealing with so I could decide if I could stay and try to work things out or if I had to get out of Dodge. My husband is a broken man, so I can understand why disclosure was so hard for him. I get it, doesn't make it any easier though. He is seeing a really great therapist who has helped him immensely. If he had refused to go to therapy I would have left for sure. I went to a therapist for a bit, just to try and get my head on straight and to figure out what was what. Affair Recovery has been a great resource for me. I think the betrayed spouse is entitled to as much as they need/want to know. For me, the hardest part was the type of woman he was truly thinking about leaving me (a loyal and supportive partner of over 30 years) and his family for. Talk about a personal insult. You want to throw me over, ok. Marriages are not always forever. But at least make it for a woman that I could respect. Eh, Rick did say most people "affair down". One day at a time. If it doesn't kill you it really does make you stronger.

Not telling the truth is controlling the other person. The betrayed needs the right to choose, the unfaithful made their choices. To be able to move forward and heal wholly the whole truth needs to be exposed to be able to move forward. Thank you for sharing.

My wife has been keeping secrets about her affair for 36 plus years. She still gets upset when I bring it up! I can’t tell anymore if she’s lying or really can’t remember when I ask a question.

Great article, just wish my spouse would read it. Betrayed husband here. Wife's EA was 5 years ago. YTD I still have not received one piece of truthful information. All I know is what I have sought out and the lies that I have been able to prove. Over the past year I have circumstantial evidence of contact with the AP (former co-worker at our church/school). I have asked for her to read on this site, but that is met with "oh someone else to tell me how terrible I am" response. During this time, she has become increasing distant physically and emotional, and works all the time. She loves her job, but it has become the bain of our marriage, via infidelity and her valuing it over family. I honestly have lost hope, but I also don't want to start over again. And I also don't want to be alone. I put efforts in but it is hollow. It's hollow because I receive nothing back. That's the unchanged part since D-Day. Oh, there was a time of attention immediately after D-Day but it has proven to be superficial. It has been this way for 20+ years. You would think I would learn. Just tired of being unloved.

This my not be the place for this but after reading Erick's article on Sexual Humiliation and this one of yours, I can so relate. I am a husband to a wife that had serial relationships after the initial discovery over 5 years ago. I am an emotional mess the last 30 days all because of a flood of newly discovered information about the affairs, the APs, locations, perceived fidelity, who, etc.
My wife barely gave any info about any of it when she came home and for whatever reason at the time, I didn't press about it. She certainly felt entitled to privacy about it and it seemed to trump my entitlement to information.
I discovered what appeared to be a sexual affair with an unknown person on an unusual social media account complete with graphic descriptions and "Selfies", and other porn picture. Something she NEVER would have done with me. When I confronted her about it, she moved out the next day to her mother's house where over the course of the next 8-12 months she had a mixed bag of "relationships" that lasted on average 6-8 weeks each. Each of them becoming sexual either right away or eventually. I knew little of what was going on other than what I could glean from phone records and bank transactions.
We got back together About 7 months and 5 guys later and never discussed any of it really. We just agreed to start over and move forward.
5 months after that she had a 2 week relapse back at her mom's and spent the night with someone.
We reconciled again, she changed her phone number and made some efforts that weren't made before, and as best as I can tell, has been faithful for the last 4 years. It's been tough but we've managed.
In the last 30 days I have discovered some information (Mainly because I never was given any and from time to time I search, I don't know why), a lot of information. I discovered that between the 2 reconciliations the last guy she was with she had been seeing about once every other month for many months, even before we reconciled the first time. I discovered that most of these guys were much older, I discovered hotel rooms, and bars in horrible parts of town, and dishonesty even between the multiple partners.
Our marriage has been going well and we havent really spoken of it much in the 4-5 years. I certainly can't talk to her about it now.
I am crushed and living in my own private hell. I just needed somewhere to vent for a moment.

I appreciate this article, especially the analogy of throwing bits of dirt on the betrayed-as opposed to the full dumping. I am the betrayed in my relationship- my marriage of 23 years. There is so much I don’t know, and so much that I’m left wondering since discovering some of my husband’s unacceptable behaviors the past few years. I literally only know what I have “found” or discovered on my own. It weighs on me all the time. I’m at my breaking point where I’ve told him the only way I can see us moving forward and essentially “starting over” would be with a guided, full disclosure led by an experienced mediator or therapist. And even with that I cannot make any promises.
So far I haven’t found anyone in my area to facilitate this, and honestly I’m not sure he’s willing. And if he is, how do I believe what he’s telling me in THERE? There have been so many lies…