Hello. My name is Candace. Let's spend some time talking today about answering questions. Post D-Day. I know some of you just broke out into a cold sweat. In this post, I will address both the unfaithful and the betrayed when it comes to answering questions. I'll be discussing a few key rules to follow to keep things constructive versus leading to greater...
In my years of being a part of Affair Recovery I have had the privilege of mentoring numerous groups of Men through the Harboring Hope program. One of the best parts of this program discusses the 20 Most Common Mistakes of the Betrayed Spouse. Within the groups I lead, and going through this section I have learned that I currently still hold the record for committing the highest amount of the 20 mistakes in my own recovery process. In my case I committed 18 of the 20 mistakes noted.
In this 2-Part...
Hi, my name is Rachel, and I want to talk about why letting others down and disappointing others is a necessary part of your recovery. Now, listen, I know that this seems like a silly topic, and it's not going to be relevant to all of you, but I really wanted to reach out to my sisters and my brothers who do struggle with...
The Triggers Song. Triggers - They can be anything and come from anywhere. Triggers rob us of our time, peace, and sometimes sanity. They are real and a very big deal when navigating the recovery journey of cheating/infidelity/affairs.
In this episode Rodney and Angela start by discussing triggers, how they felt them, how they managed them, how they replaced them,...
During his affair, when faced with hard questions about his relationship with the AP, my husband lied. Every. Single. Time. After D-day when I asked him about that, he acknowledged he feared if he ever admitted the truth he would lose me, so he resigned to take the truth to his grave. When I asked how he could lie to my face during all those years even after the affair ended, his explanation was pretty simple. He said he knew if he played dumb and consistently denied everything, the...
My emotional walls went up when his affair began, and had been reinforced from all the deception and mistrust. There was no easy way to sandblast them down; instead, they were chipped away as trust was built - trust in him and trust in myself. I didn’t trust myself anymore after having “allowed” everything that happened. I felt stupid and weak for not having done more to catch him in his lies, stop the affair, and protect myself. His repeated false reassurances (more on those later) only...
View Part 1 here.
Hi, I'm Rachel, and this is part two of my series around caring for your body during your recovery from infidelity/cheating, which is an essential but often overlooked part of this journey. In the last video, I talked about the impact of stress and trauma on our bodies and how it can throw...
Imagine you walk in the door to your house. You hear a noise coming from upstairs… sounds like chewing and tearing. You go to investigate and discover the source of the sound is your dog eating your brand-new shoes! You give your dog the appropriate scolding and send him on his way while you survey the damage to your kicks. Your dog gives you the saddest puppy eyes...
Let’s talk today about recovery work, what it looks like, and why it’s so darn important.
I’m going to give it to you straight…I’m going to assume if you’re reading this article or watching this video, that either you, or your partner, pulled a pin, and tossed a grenade into your life. You’re standing in the rubble, assessing the damage, wishing, hoping, praying, this...
Because the body is (at least in part) the location of our trauma—the body must also be a location of healing.
~Aundi Kolber
About a year after discovering my husband's affair, my body started to capsize under relentless waves of sickness. An illness would hit. I'd recover...
Post infidelity, I found myself in a new world filled with all sorts of triggers. Not only would reminders from my marriage and husband trigger me, but I was also triggered by reminders of my AP.
One notable occasion was a breakdown at a diner. The waitress asked, "what type of toast would you like? We have white, wheat, rye, and sourdough." Sourdough bread. Did she just mention sourdough bread? Memories related to sourdough bread rush to the forefront of my...
"The saddest thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemies, it comes from those you trust the most." ~Author Unknown
You are probably familiar with the fable of the Boy Who Cried Wolf. The tale concerns a shepherd boy who intentionally and repeatedly fools villagers into believing a wolf is attacking the town's flock of sheep. He cries, “Wolf! Wolf!” to watch them all come running, but they arrive to find there is no wolf. He does this several times, and eventually, when an actual wolf appears, the boy...
New here? Check out S1:E1!
Let’s sing a fun, creative, and original song about self care (and discuss it too)! Rodney and Angela in this episode discuss the importance of self care, from the small things to the large. When your life is blown up from infidelity, self care is essential to ensure we don't lose ourselves while working through and recovering from...
In this episode, Rodney and Angela sing “How Great Thou Art/Then Sings My Soul" as they discuss infidelity, hope, and healing around the holiday season. We know the holiday season can be challenging, but when we look upwards and stand in awe of everything God has done, we can find Hope. Rodney...
Finding Joy in the Holidays - Alumna Blog by Melissa Fisher
Don’t just survive the holidays; use them as a catalyst for hope, healing, and flourishing in new life by finding the Joy in them. The holidays are one of the many difficult times an individual faces when healing from infidelity and our Alumna, Melissa speaks directly to this challenge while giving your practical and real guidance, tips,...
We are so excited to finally share with you a brand new season of 'Songs for the Soul' with Rodney...
New here? Check out Episode 1!
New here? Check out Season 1, Episode 1!
This is not an easy journey and it will be imperfect and awkward but when the Affair Partner is pregnant as a result of infidelity, we have learned some critical lessons about how to navigate this situation with the best interest of the child at the center while still being able to heal and recover. In this blog I will discuss these lessons and what worked for us to help you.
Woven into our basic makeup is the desire and need to “do life together”. By connecting with others - sharing openly, being honest, and not minimizing our struggles, we develop healthy stress coping mechanisms that enable us to get out of our own heads and keep our hearts and minds healthy.
"When you are standing in [a] forest of sorrow, you cannot imagine that you could ever find your way to a better place. But if someone can assure...
Dr. Dan Siegel introduced a phrase to help trauma survivors self-soothe entitled "Name it to tame it." It's vital we honestly name our emotions if we're going to find clarity, healing and ultimately self-compassion. The phrase isn't limited to self-soothing but also to helping our betrayed and unfaithful partners when they flood or are feeling immense triggers. While our own mental health is our...
Understanding red flags in the life of the unfaithful spouse or partner serves two purposes. One, it can help the unfaithful understand how they are being perceived by their partner (and professionals) and assist them in understanding how their behavior is impacting their betrayed partner. Two, it can help the betrayed understand that what may seem like normal, usual behavior in both the marriage...
"I don't even know who I am anymore" is one of the most common statements shared in therapeutic sessions after a spouse endeavors to heal from infidelity. They feel like they're losing themselves, or worse, have already lost themselves giving way to bouts of almost uncontrollable rage, anger and life changing trauma. The truth is, they just may be losing a version of themselves that needs to be grieved...
After an affair, the lives of both the unfaithful and the betrayed are seldom ever the same. It can feel as though that version of themselves is gone forever and they're left without any hope of returning to who they were before the affair. Attempting to go back to one's old life after disclosure can feel impossible while trying to accept this new identity can also feel unreachable. Without a guide and without a plan, those in crisis can feel disoriented and lost, oftentimes...
After the disclosure of an affair or addiction, it's normal to feel like you're drowning in hopelessness, despair and outright chaos. Today Samuel not only provides validation to that trauma but a compelling direction for those who are trying to find a pathway to healing and new life. While providing a picture of courage and tenacity, today's video moves the viewer from drowning in hopelessness to a personal revival of...
If a betrayed partner doesn't experience or see authentic empathy from their unfaithful partner, the recovery efforts of that unfaithful become suspect. "Maybe they are just trying to not lose me and/or the family?" "Maybe they don't want to change and heal, they just want to not talk about it and move on?" Those are just some of the questions the betrayed ask themselves. Today Samuel shares...
Betrayed partners are constantly looking for safety from the unfaithful partner. But how do you know they are safe and what are a few signs or markers one can look for to determine if they appear serious about their own recovery work? Today Samuel shares a few examples of safety both from his own story as well as almost two decades worth of experience helping those in crisis. While safety is a necessity in post...
The hard and sometimes messy...
When a spouse or partner is serious about repairing the damage of their affair or addiction on their loved ones, the simple truth is, you can see it. You can feel it in their voice, you see it in their demeanor and you notice it in their overall approach to recovery work. But what are those indicating signs and where can you find them? Today Samuel shares just a few but palatable signs that the unfaithful is...
