Affairs are about escaping . Today, I discuss the nature of affairs and escapism and how to avoid relapsing.
What about the unfaithful, do they just get away with it all? Today Samuel discusses and confronts the desire for revenge in the heart and mind of the betrayed.
Early on after discovery, Samantha said she hated me. It's a normal emotion of the betrayed but requires the right approach to diffuse the intensity of emotion.
Affair Recovery is now taking community to the next level with adding Private Messaging “PM” functionality. Everything you need to know about private messaging at Affair Recovery is laid out for you below.
1. Click on Private messages in the menu on the left-hand side of the screen from your dashboard.
2. Next click the yellow “write new message” button.
...
If you've experienced infidelity on either side, you've most definitely experienced an indescribable amount of sorrow. Today I discuss how to not waste this pain and truly experience healing and restoration in your own life, regardless of what side you're on.
It's a common struggle: understanding why the unfaithful are so angry, when they are the one's who've cheated. Today I discuss some very common reasons why the unfaithful struggles with anger early on in recovery.
After discovering an affair in your marriage, it's difficult for either partner to know where to turn and who to talk to. Today, Steve discusses this challenge and offers tips for both partners to practice when deciding who and when to open up to.
Today Samuel shares a humorous example how we the unfaithful, many times just don't see things the way we should. The unfaithful just can't see how their actions have affected the betrayed and has no clue how to show empathy for what they can't wrap their mind around.
What do you do when one spouse is glad the secret is out and they can finally breathe while the betrayed spouse, however, has just started their recovery and is traumatized. Here are some thoughts on how to navigate a very difficult situation for both spouses.
It's not uncommon to see the betrayed spouse wanting the marriage more than the unfaithful. When this happens, take heart, there is hope and there is a strategy to implement.
When an unfaithful spouse has an affair, they are unhealthy and not seeing or thinking clearly. But is it appropriate to expect an unhealthy person to be making healthy choices? We set ourselves up for failure when we expect an unhealthy person to make healthy, responsible choices.
Are you a betrayed spouse, chasing your spouse into recovery? Today I discuss why that is probably doing a disservice to the recovery process and the ultimate restoration of your marriage.
Often times in recovery, unfaithful spouses will say "my affair is just a symptom of deeper issues." Today I discuss what that statement actually says to the betrayed spouse and how to get to the deeper issues in marriage and recovery.
Marriage is not easy. When you add infidelity to the mix it’s even harder. Then you try to add effective communication and it can feel like a disaster waiting to happen. If you're like me, the art of communication can feel more like a wrecking ball than an art. This wrecking ball is on a mission to destroy everything in sight: relationships, personal growth, or even a joy-filled life. Early after D-day, there were a ton of unanswered questions and thoughts that would plague my inner world. Time and time again when I would approach my husband to seek information, it was more of a destructive hit to our recovery than a helpful conversation. The wrecking ball would come crashing in through screaming, crying, or straight anger. Clearly NOT helpful. I started...
I would like to tell you about one of the heated discussions I had with Rick about how things can fall into place into place in recovery, though it often times seems hopeless.
Today I share a recent traumatic event with my daughter that served to remind me of recovery and relapse prevention.
How do you decipher between good and bad advice after discovering infidelity in a marriage? Advice comes from all angles but that doesn't mean it's good. Even good intentioned family members and therapists may not be the best people to listen to in such a difficult time.
Samuel shares a humorous but pointed story of his own journey to humility and self awareness while in recovery from his affair.
A few years into recovery, Samantha and I tapped into another layer of unforgiveness and resentment. It's a common experience that even two or three years out from D Day, a couple may need to still address resentment and unforgiveness. What do you do when you reach that point?
It's s common occurrence that unfaithful spouses can be ambivalent, not sure who to choose. Today, I want to help the unfaithful understand how to move through ambivalence and how to make a choice that will eventually promote healing for all parties involved.
Today I want to discuss a new term called Grief Illiteracy which impacts the unfaithful spouse in ways they're probably unaware of. I also share some of my personal experiences with how to help treat this grief illiteracy.
After the discovery of my spouse's infidelity, I felt like I no longer knew our history. It was important for him and I to develop a shared history so I could know what happened. There were 3 questions that were critical for me to achieve full disclosure. I share these questions along with the help they gave me and my spouse to achieve healing.
After the discovery of infidelity in marriage, it's easy to see how the marriage wasn't protected. Steve discusses 2 ways to protect the marriage after the discovery of infidelity.
Samuel discusses some practical suggestions for helping both spouses cope with reminders and triggers while also pointing out what not to do to make things worse while recovering from an affair.
It's common for a spouse to say "Well, if you would have done ____, I would have never cheated." While I said that myself many times, a deeper explanation of what is going on in the mind of the unfaithful is needed for clarity and healing.
As I watch my daughter swimming in the lake, I see her head tilted back and face just barely above water. She is fully safe, and a strong swimmer but struggles with swimming in the lake with all the wind and waves working against her. I am quickly reminded of the time I felt I was barely surviving. Infidelity was an unexpected wave that tried to drown me. My head was barely above water.
There is definitely a survival mode that happens after D-Day. Managing emotions, protecting kids, counseling; really just attempting to fulfill any of my many responsibilities. It was exhausting, emotional and seemed to last a lifetime. In reality, a few months into trying to stay afloat, I was tired of just trying to survive.
I didn’t want to just survive marital betrayal. I didn’t want...
Samuel share's why he and Samantha didn't divorce using humor and insight into what recovery principles saved their marriage.
“But we’re different”
It’s touchy. You feel like no one is feeling what you’re feeling and like you’re out on this island all by yourself. You feel like your spouse is on a completely different island.
You feel like no one gets it.
You feel like no one understands. You wonder is there really any hope for your specific situation with all the carnage that has happened.
I felt that way. Samantha felt that way. The idiosyncrasies to our fiasco wasn’t so simple, normal or able to fit into some simple three step triage plan that you could read about on a generic marriage website.
We were right. We were a mess and our situation was highly complex.
But, I have to tell you, every situation is highly complex and messy. I don’t know...
Often times in recovery, the unfaithful continue to make it about them, rather than their spouse. Samuel discusses the need to lean in to the struggle the betrayed has to forgive and forge ahead.
I’ve either played or coached baseball almost my entire life. I grew up loving the game and I’m privileged that my sons also love the game. It’s in many ways a mirror of life and has taught me more about life than I could share in any one blog.
When coaching outfielders it’s common to hear coaches instruct outfielders to “run to a spot” and find the ball. It’s this habit pattern coaches try to pound into the mind of a good outfielder as they can then adjust, find the ball in the air and make what everyone else on the defensive side hopes is a fantastic catch. Rather than just running haphazardly, running to a spot intimates there is a plan for these types of situations.
It’s the same way in life. When something happens to us, we run to a spot. That spot can...
