Recovery after infidelity is difficult at best and scary at it's worst. For the betrayed spouse to even begin to wrap their heas around it and consider the healing process, there has to be safety. Let's discuss what the unfaithful spouse can do for their mate to help them feel safe enough to begin to move forward.
Before I found out about the affairs, I remember obsessively checking my husband’s stuff. Late at night I’d sneak out of the bedroom and scurry around the house to investigate. I’d find his laptop, check his social media accounts, scan his text messages; my reconnaissance began to control my life through my thoughts. Once I gathered whatever “evidence” I was seeking, I would lay back in bed and run these thoughts through my mind. “Who is he texting?”, “What is he doing when I’m not around?”, “Is he having inappropriate conversations?” There was obviously some truth to my suspicion, but at the time there was no rhyme or reason as to how to sort the truth from the lies. My mind was like a rat in a wheel, spinning like crazy through every possible scenario.
As soon as the...
Infidelity is tricky. On the surface it can seem like it’s all about sex and just wanting to engage in sexual activity with another or even multiple partners over the course of time. It can also seem as though the unfaithful just ‘wasn’t getting it at home’ so they went elsewhere. It’s an easy conclusion to come to, but merely scrapes the surface of the illegitimacy.
A deeper look will reveal that it’s more about desire. We, the unfaithful, love to be desired. Unfaithful spouses typically resort to excuses like “I just wanted to be wanted for a change.” We’ll pin our affair(s) on our spouse’s lack of desire or passion and try to resort to blaming our spouse for making us vulnerable to an affair as they never wanted us. At least I did.
In my case for example, Samantha...
When in recovery after infidelity, it's critical to have a 'Spotter' - Someone who has navigated the stormy waters of infidelity. Let's discuss why this is important and who should be and who shouldn't be the 'Spotter' in your recovery.
After discovery of infidelity in your marriage, it's easy to wonder, "What did they have that I don't have?" The Comparison Game discusses how helpful or hurtful these comparison questions can be and how to navigate the tumultuous aftermath of the infidelity storm.
My husband and I turned on a romantic-comedy the other night. We ended up on some Cameron Diaz movie and what is the premise??? Infidelity. We don't talk about it, just get in our movie trance and watch the movie unfold.
20 minutes in I find myself laughing hysterically! I glance at my husband, who has a straight face, and say "I can't believe I'm laughing." He smiles at me and replies, "me either".
We are over 4 years out from D day and our story is certainly no laughing matter. Our story involves betrayal, hurt, anger and many moments of hopelessness and chaos! Through my discovery of forgiveness, and eventual willingness to extend it to my husband for his infidelity, I've been freed! The chains I once felt imprisoned to are gone! My hurts sometimes rear up and...
A discussion on surviving infidelity and the enemy of self reliance. We all come to moments in life where we cannot fix ourselves, and healing from infidelity is the perfect example.
Marriages develop patterns, some good and some bad. It’s just what spending your life with someone does. When that marriage has been affected by infidelity, there usually is not only a pattern but a power struggle which emerges. I’d like to highlight two power struggles, or scenarios if you will, that seem to be very common when dealing with infidelity and ambivalence.
We, the unfaithful, don’t like the emotion of the betrayed. We’d prefer the betrayed to stuff it down and not show much emotion at all. It provides a much more stable environment and doesn’t force us to have to face the fact that we’ve damaged our spouse and made some horrible choices.
I was talking to a friend the other day and she shared about how she had forced herself to be numb for so long, that her latent emotions (from being betrayed) and compressed trauma was finally beginning to come out. For the betrayed, it’s often times like this waterfall of emotion that you wonder how you can control it. It just keeps coming and coming. The triggers happen faster than you can predict and before you know it, you’re a wreck.
I hated when Samantha was emotional. It turned my...
Often times we get into power struggles when we’re trying to get healthy. Time after time a betrayed spouse will force their mate into the power struggle of “choose me or your affair partner, right here, right now.” While I loudly applaud their willingness to not be codependent and I further support their right to draw a line in the sand, it’s just not usually that simple in many cases.
I’m sure if you’re a betrayed spouse, I’ve already ruffled your feathers this early in the morning, and I’m sorry to do that. I only mean to bring about clarity. Let me explain a bit further.
The fact is, if your spouse has been involved in an affair with one person for at least a few months and it’s now a full blown relationship, you’re competing with a fantasy. An illusion. A...
The answer is, I don’t know. For me, it was a slow fade of unmet expectations, self-deception and immaturity which led to me finally one day say to myself, “I guess this is just the way it’s going to be….”
I stopped fighting and resisting the affair and simply decided to manage it and manage my image, my affair and my two very different lives. I think that moment was a very significant moment where I lost more of myself than I was able to comprehend. The affair and my own personal darkness would only intensify after that moment. Samantha would continue to lose me emotionally and mentally over the next year or so till D Day would come rushing upon us, August 26th, 2005.
I still remember a cold rainy day in Austin, Texas where Samantha and I were in a session with Rick...
There are a few really impacting definitions of what it means to undermine. Take for example Dictionary.com’s: to attack by indirect, secret, or underhand means; attempt to subvert by stealth.
Or Miriam Webster’s: to make (someone or something) weaker or less effective usually in a secret or gradual way.
So often in our own personal recovery, we undermine ourselves. We aren’t typically aware of it. We don’t usually see it until someone points it out to us or we actually are ‘present’ or ‘aware’ enough to have a moment of personal clarity or revelation.
I undermine myself and the next day’s productivity when I stay up late at night working, writing or just plain watching TV to escape the pressures of life. I...
Probably close to 30% of the people I talk to say they think their marriage is over. In their limited experience, their spouse is acting as though it’s over. Many are justifiably so filled with hurt and pain they wonder if they can forgive, move on, trust again or ever have a life with their cheating spouse. Some of the unfaithful also wonder if they can spend the rest of their life with a spouse that, in their mind, they’ve never truly connected with.
Before you say it’s over, I’d like to invite you to consider the possibility that perhaps it’s not, and that maybe it’s a chapter that’s over and not your marriage? There are several chapters a marriage in crisis goes through.
The chapter of disclosure. Until the chapter of disclosure is completely written, it’s unlikely...
Suffering or adversity in life is often times treated as though it’s a mistake and shouldn’t happen to us at all. We think it’s not supposed to happen financially or emotionally, and certainly not maritally. Fact is though, what we suffer through in life teaches us an incredible amount about life, reality, God, and ourselves.
My family and I each have a few things we are suffering through. No we’re not homeless, thank God, and no we’re not in the middle of marital crisis like we were nine years ago. But all of us are in the middle of some tough stuff emotionally and physically. I hate that I have to go through it, that Samantha has to go through it and that our kids must face what they are encountering as some of it seems debilitating. I treat adversity like it shouldn’t...
What happens when the betrayed is lonely?
If you’re just joining us, we’re discussing the loneliness of it all and the need for community. Last time we delved into the world of the unfaithful and what happens when they are lonely or isolated in their recovery. This time we’ll discuss the mind of the betrayed and what they typically resort to when loneliness and isolation seem to envelop them.
When the betrayed are lonely and isolated it’s incredibly difficult to not flood emotionally or give way to what appears to be an endless amount of reminders and triggers and intrusive thoughts. Keep in mind, triggers unfortunately are part of the horror of recovery, but will dissipate typically between 9 to 12 months depending on the personality type of the betrayed. Rick has...
What happens when the unfaithful is lonely?
As we discussed last time, loneliness can be one of the most excruciating elements when trying to heal from infidelity. Between the isolation and the silent suffering, the pain of it all is only exacerbated when you’re alone in your life’s deepest pain. It can be dangerous for both spouses in their own ways when you’re alone.
Part of being alone is good as it forces us to process information, wade through emotions and actually hear from God or our conscience. Without this much needed time alone for Samantha and me, I don’t think we would have been able to really find the space and time to decide what we wanted to do. The loneliness provided a backdrop of sanctification and sobriety which although painful, was a necessity...
Wikipedia defines Loneliness as a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship.
Upon disclosure, I’m quick to share that we lost all our friends with the exception of one or two. Samantha had two friends that stayed and I had one. The backdrop of our lives though, was perpetual community. There were people in our house almost every day and night, and we were surrounded by people. I was almost never alone, with the exception of when I traveled on planes or when I drove to meetings.
Poor me I know.
When the affair came out, hundreds of people vanished. Friends we had known for over 10 years were either told to stay away so we could work on our family or that we didn’t want anyone around us in such a tough time (...
I’m a control freak by nature and love to, want to, and at one time, felt like I had to be in charge of most things. Surrendering doesn’t come easy in my life but I’ve learned how to be pretty good at it now, specifically because I’ve come to the end of myself so many times and had to surrender. Upon disclosure of my affair, I wanted to control how Samantha was going to respond and what choices we were going to make. Samantha was used to me being this sort of control freak for the previous 10 years of our marriage. To say I had a messiah complex was a bit of an understatement as I did consider myself a bit of a messiah for our family, our church, and our church members. I wanted to be at the center of almost everything and felt like I was the leader who needed to be involved in most,...
Lately I’ve spoken with many betrayed spouses who are in what feels like a constant state of flux. One minute they think they are headed to pay the retainer for a divorce attorney. The next minute their spouse is saying they want to come home, why can’t we work this out, and let’s put the divorce on hold. The next minute, when the betrayed tries to take some concrete steps towards recovery, the unfaithful spouse resorts to a stall tactic of “Well I need more time” or “Let’s just see how things go over the next few weeks, THEN we’ll see if we need help.”
Stall tactics are what they truly are. What are they stalling for you might ask? They are stalling the betrayed from being in charge, or causing them to have to take any action or put an end to the fun they are feeling. They,...
I was talking to a woman yesterday who’s been betrayed and searching for answers. She’s doing very well and working hard to wrap her mind around the mess of the betrayal. With a strong grasp on theology and a passion for purpose in life, she’s working to make sense out of this in the eyes of God, the eyes of her spouse and what seems like a thousand onlookers at her daughter’s school.
I was sharing with her that this may in fact be the opportunity for transformation. We don’t always get to pick how transformation is packaged in life. Sometimes it’s packaged in an encounter at church or through a weekend retreat or something of those sorts, and yay for that. Other times it’s packaged in a great counseling session or a book which causes you to see things differently.
But...
When my affair became public and the initial dust settled, I wanted to get back to normal, quickly. The problem was nothing in my life was normal. I was terminated from my position within 72 hours. I lost all the friends and associates I had in my vocation, and the only comfort I found was in Christ and in my two kids who were five and four years old. Samantha was furious and completely disoriented. After the first week or so she needed out and took the kids with her and went to another state with a friend of hers for space.
When we had finally relocated, and we began to find new jobs and a new house, I wanted to get back to business as usual. I wanted regularity and normality. Samantha wanted change. She wanted to talk about it and ask questions and I wanted to talk about real...
My years of experience pale in comparison to Rick’s, however I’ve realized several principles while working for him these past years (and living through my own nightmare) and helping couples and individuals heal from the effects of infidelity. The other day Rick and I were talking and I alluded to something that he confirmed. I was discussing the struggle of a particular couple and asking him for some thoughts on it and he shared with me his perspective from close to 30 years, THAT’S 30 YEARS of treating infidelity and compulsive behaviors. He said “Samuel, most people can get over the affair(s): it’s the lying they can’t get over. It’s the continual discovery of new information they can’t get over. It’s the continual relapses they can’t get over.”
In no way is that to...
I’ll never forget one day talking to Rick and I interrupted him and said “But Rick, when are we going to talk about HER??!! What about all the things SHE did wrong too?” (While I’ve been stupid at times in my life, very stupid indeed, I was smart enough to ask this question when I was meeting with Rick alone.)
I felt like I was being hammered on time and time again so I figured it was time to ask that question. I mean, Samantha wasn’t perfect. She was unkind, rude, rejecting, never wanted to have sex, never said anything encouraging about me and what I was doing, so when were we going to talk about her crap?
Rick was patient with me and my stupidity. He simply smirked and said “As soon as you are able to talk about and own all of your own crap first, without being...
“As the truth of the situation slowly began to penetrate, I found myself overwhelmed with emotions I had never felt so strongly: shock, disbelief, horror, despair, anger, pain, sadness. With a newborn and two small children, I didn’t know how I was going to make it. I switched to autopilot to provide just the essentials for my children. I sifted through the options on an hourly basis, separate, divorce, or stay? All the while, the theater in my mind continued playing the details of the affair over and over again. I didn’t sleep, barely ate, and cried constantly. Every time I looked at Samuel, hate would well up in my heart, and I couldn’t stand to be around him. I got on a plane with all three children and fled to a friend’s house.”
Samantha wrote those words several years ago...
Yesterday I was visiting with a woman who is trying to wrap her mind around her husband’s three affairs over 6 years. She knew about one affair but was under the impression it was only an emotional affair, yet has long since come to know that all three were emotional and physical and lasted about three to six months each. She’s devastated. To her own credit as a woman, she’s ‘open’ to seeing if the marriage can be saved. After four kids all under the age of 17, 22 years together and a sea of other concerns, there is a lot to lose. She’s not sure she wants to stay in the marriage, but she’s open to the possibility of it being saved.
To say the rug has been ripped out from underneath her does not even begin to illustrate the overwhelming emotions and fears she’s trying not to...
While the situations are not always that HE is unfaithful, I’ve used the title to illustrate the point that in many cases, one spouse won’t show any remorse and another spouse won’t stop talking about it. While some blog posts I write are an attempt to help you move forward, even incrementally, other blog posts are to help illustrate more about what may be going on in the particular situation you’re facing.
It’s about every day I hear a betrayed spouse say, “He isn’t showing any remorse at all. It’s like he’s just swallowed up in justification or resentment and he’s not showing any sadness over what he’s done whatsoever.” If I interview the unfaithful spouse, more than likely they will say to me “she just won’t stop talking about it. It’s all they want to talk about. Why can’t...
I was visiting with a betrayed spouse yesterday who was sharing some incredibly bad news about her spouse, her marriage and what she figured was the rest of her life. It was one of the most devastating stories I’ve heard in quite a while (and that’s saying something). While all of our stories are devastating at some level, we all have unique situations in our lives which force us to cry out for new life and new, tangible hope. But how do you find new life after the life you thought you were living has been not only upended, but sacrificed on the altar of another spouse’s choices? Or, how do you the unfaithful, find new life after you’ve basically obliterated the life you once had with your spouse and family?
The answer is nowhere near simple, but does exist. I used to think we...
Almost every day I talk to someone who is struggling with infidelity in some way and is trying to make sense out of it. A unifying statement I usually say to them or even hear from them is the fact that “No one can relate and no one seems to understand the pain I’m living with.”
I agree about every time, yet follow it up with a caveat that they need to be surrounded by a fellow hurting and grieving community. The nature of infidelity is shame based and is almost never overcome without community support. Without such, they will feel they are off on an island and no one can relate and no one can empathize, and no one can understand what they have to process what seems like each hour of each day. It’s not about commiserating together, rather it’s about normalizing things and being...
