“The affair is just a symptom of deeper issues.”
I’ve heard that statement about a thousand times, and I’ve only heard it from the unfaithful spouse, never the betrayed spouse. I’ve heard it so many times that when I’m working with a couple now and I hear the unfaithful say it, I almost laugh out loud at it, as I know what’s coming before they finish the sentence.
The reality is it just may be that: a symptom of deeper issues. The problem is, it’s more times than not, far deeper issues within the unfaithful spouse, not the betrayed spouse or the marriage.
We have affairs because we are unhealthy and do not handle our marital or personal issues the right way, and give ourselves to another person (or one night stands, or porn, or strip clubs, etc.) in an effort to...
Early on in recovery, life is simple to describe: chaotic. Emotions are all over the map, wounds are fresh and open, and vulnerability is at an all-time high. The slightest conversation can turn toxic in one-two hundredth of a second. Trying to find any form of stability seems next to impossible. One day things seem hopeful and peaceful and everyone seems amicable. The next day, anger and flooding take hold and the future of the entire marriage and family seems at risk.
It’s enough to push either spouse over the edge. It’s much easier to wallow in despair and hopelessness than it is to believe that somehow things are going to be OK.
Our stability early on was our kids. Yes, I was a pastor, but I couldn’t find God anywhere it seemed. I was in a haze of condemnation and...
When Rick told Samantha, “You don’t need trust to move forward, you need safety,” Samantha was stunned. She hadn’t heard that from anyone and it was a bit of a foreign concept to her. After all, I had blown apart any fabric of trust she once had in me. After a two year affair, endless amounts of attempts to cover it up, and a horrid lifestyle to boot, trust was obliterated.
One of the only friends I had left even said to me, “I certainly don’t trust you, but I love you.”
Samantha certainly didn’t trust me, and wasn’t sure she even loved me anymore either.
But Rick had the boldness and brilliance to say “You don’t need trust to move forward, you need safety.”
Safety is the process by which couples can gain ground and move forward, though the future is...
Lately things have been rather challenging to say the least. There’s been far more frustration and far more disappointment than I care to itemize or re-live. Such is life I know, and anyone reading this blog for perspective and insight will attest to life being less than perfect right now.
Last night Samantha and I were lying down just talking through the day and life and all the recent developments. It struck me to remember how much we’ve come through in our marriage and in our recovery. It grieved me with how easily I can forget all that’s transpired and be paralyzed by fear in an instant. Something inside of me is still painfully fragile. After all we’ve been through, all we’ve survived, all that God has allowed us to overcome and triumph over, I should be fearless....
Upon disclosure of my affair, I was nowhere near healthy enough to own all of my failures, shortcomings and overall selfishness. Samantha was more than patient with me, although I was still practically paralyzed and stuck in blaming mode to justify my two year affair and endless amount of indiscretions.
As I alluded in the previous blog (Stuffing It Down: Avoidance), we stuffed and avoided conflict left and right. I also blamed Samantha for my affair and for what I perceived as perpetually rejecting me. My blaming mentality was more of a way that I handled the conflict internally, and though I had several discussions with my affair partner about life and marriage, I didn’t talk too much to her about Samantha’s shortcomings as I knew my affair partner would only echo my...
It’s been 8 years since “D-Day.” (disclosure) It’s not uncommon that when I’m talking to a couple in crisis or sharing my story, someone will eventually ask me one of the following questions: “Is it really that good, I mean, doesn’t she hold it over your head?” “Aren’t you still a doormat?” “Do you ever really get over it?” “Are you still glad you saved your marriage?” “Was it really worth it?”
Yes. I’m thrilled we saved our marriage. She does NOT hold it over my head. It’s very good, better than I ever thought imaginable. You’re never really ‘over it’ in some cavalier, ‘pretend it never happened’ kind of way. Although by the 2nd year we had gained so much momentum in recovery, we knew we were never going back and we were going to come out on...
For years in my marriage, I was a bit of a bully. I would push Samantha to do things, or use manipulative tactics to get her to do what was part of my agenda. I’d also bully her into doing what I felt was best for our family, our marriage, or our finances.
When my affair was exposed much of the bullying stopped, though only temporarily. I still reverted back to old ways of trying to hurry her (i.e. bully her) into healing faster, getting over it, stop talking about it or fixating on every small detail. I figured my ability to persuade her would get her to move quickly, but she didn’t. She wanted to separate and then see what would come of things after she had a chance to clear her head.
For once, Samantha decided it was time to...
Almost 20 years of marriage has taught Samantha and me that we are both stuffers. We both hate conflict for different reasons and are avoiders. I hate conflict because I really just want life to be free flowing and I have enough stress to manage in life with bills, kids and responsibilities. Samantha hates conflict because it isn’t her forte, and stirs within her feelings of insecurity.
I’m quite sure the beginning stages of my moral failure was directly due to Samantha and I stuffing down our needs, desires and overall feelings in marriage and in life. Samantha and I were each facing our own issues and inadequacies, and we both were busy making a living and raising a family. From hurt feelings, misunderstandings, judgments and unmet expectations, marriage is a hot bed...
The interesting thing about blaming your spouse for your affair or addiction is how it is so empowering. When you blame your spouse, you take any and all pressure off yourself and lay the fault on your spouse and their actions or inactions. It empowers you to believe, “I need to get my needs met. I mean, shoot, my spouse doesn’t seem to care about my sexual needs,” or “She/He’s never happy anyway. I’m one big failure to them and if they would do their job, I would do my job. So you know what, I might as well get my needs met and be happy.”
Blaming your spouse for your affair simply empowers the dysfunction and self-deception inside you. It removes any personal responsibility for your actions and keeps you an immature 7 year old emotionally, as we...
Part of the “why” of my affair (see earlier blog post) was craving the applause of others. I was surrounded by a crowd of people, most of whom adored me and thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. You could say I was addicted to the applause of the congregation and people around me, as well as my affair partner.
At home however, I felt like a 4th kid. Samantha has come to grips with this treatment so this post isn’t about how she failed to do her duty.
It’s more about how we as men, and as women as well, crave applause. I was celebrated everywhere I went. I had worked hard to earn the admonition and the celebration of a sea of people.
The problem was, it was seductive. I had won their devotion, their applause and their affirmation. I was loved and I...
So often, a spouse feels forced to make a decision right now on what to do. If you’re a betrayed spouse, it can feel like you need to know what to do right now. If you’re an unfaithful spouse, you can feel overwhelmed and pressured with thoughts of “this is what you need to do, right now.”
As any of you know, once friends, family, and surrounding relationships find out about the situation, there is usually no shortage of people who are willing to give advice and tell you what to do.
Everyone knows what they will do when infidelity happens, until it actually happens and kids are involved, ten or twenty years of marriage involved, futures are at stake and actual lives are in the balance. Then, what was a sure deal breaker is hesitantly reevaluated.
I often tell...
Why did he do it? Why did she do it? What made them risk their lives and their family for such a stupid rush? What could propel them to risk it all, for some tramp or some prostitute? Why did they affair-down? Just how deep does the dysfunction and/or addiction really go?
I’ve talked to many who have spent months and years, several years actually, trying to find the ‘why’ of the affair(s). From numerous visits to therapists, counselors, pastors, and friends, to endless books, seminars, and retreats, the ‘why’ of it all is a quest all betrayed spouses are on.
The good news is: there is a why. There is probably more than one.
The bad news is: it will take the right kind of process to discover what it is.
The worse news is: it will never be a some cavalier...
The beginning stages of recovery after what we call “D Day” (discovery day) are touchy at best. The shock and awe of it all is more than you can fathom unless you’re in the middle of it now, or have passed through its borders.
When Samantha and I went through it, it was nothing less than a whirlwind where our entire lives were turned upside down. While not everyone experiences that sort of public upheaval financially or emotionally, it in no way discounts the overwhelming disarray that the first few days, weeks or months carry.
What are we going to do? What about the kids? Is there any hope? Why don’t they get it? Is it really over? Each question carries with it a 10,000 word essay of possibilities...
The flow of recovery outside of any pathway or established curriculum is usually chaos, and even within those proven pathways are significant wind changes. The up’s the down’s, the back and forth, the uncertainty of what is going on behind the scenes is enough to push you to want to quit, only about every other day. It really does produce a chaotic uncertainty about what each day will look like, or each weekend with the kids will or won’t look like. It may also paint a picture of what the impending separation or divorce will one day feel like and look like.
Usually, when someone wants to interrupt the chaos of it all, unless there is a strategy involved, it’s a stubborn move of desperation. It typically is something along the lines of cutting off all communication with their...
Last week we discussed why “They Can’t Hear You,” but this week I’d like to continue the discussion and touch on why they WON’T hear you.
Fact is, your spouse will hear your emotion, but they will not hear your heart or your motives or in some cases even your contrition.
For many unfaithful, they justify their affair by lying to themselves reinforcing the thought that they had an affair because their spouse was disapproving, never happy, unsexual and unable to be pleased. What happens next is a huge pitfall for many, and is avoidable but not without a strategy.
Typically the unfaithful spouse has had to employ some mechanisms to cope with their behavior and justify their affair to themselves, their spouse, and even others. Eventually, if not careful the betrayed...
It’s a daily comment I hear from both spouse’s on both sides of the infidelity: “They won’t hear anything I say.” “They just don’t get it.” “They don’t respond to anything I say.”
In reality, your spouse can’t hear what you’re saying. They may not WANT to hear you, but fact is, objectivity is lost, they have tuned you out and you’ve probably become noise to them.
If you’ve been married for any length of time, you have a lens that you see each other through from all the years of marriage prior to the affair. That lens is thick and when you’re talking, your spouse is seeing you and hearing you through that lens of past behavior, previous actions, hurts, wounds, and resentment. If you’re the unfaithful and you’re trying to get your spouse to hear you,...
The trauma of infidelity is just plain excruciating. There are very few words that adequately describe the pain both spouses endure when bewildered and disillusioned by pain, uncertainty and resentment. Trying to function in everyday life while suffering through crisis can push you to do things you never thought you’d do, say things you never thought you’d say, and think things you never thought you’d think.
There are three key ingredients I have found necessary for my own life, but hopefully this can also be helpful for your life:
But now faith, hope, love, abide these three 1 Corinthians 13:13
I’d like to take a different approach to “these three” today. I’m sure you’ve found that during profound times of difficulty, cliché’s prove to be empty and...
In no uncertain terms, recovery will have its moments of agony and extreme frustration. It will not look like you want it to look, and it will not feel like you want it to feel. To say you will wish it will speed up is an understatement. I can remember several times where I just yelled in my car “I just don’t get it……why is this so (bleeping) hard!!???!!??!!” I can remember times of extreme agony at how Samantha and I were stuck for so long, or that every inch of healing and restoration came with a price of extreme frustration, misunderstanding, some yelling and a desire to quit about every week. I hated myself and I hated recovery.
Time after time, it was as if there was this poking and prodding to just give up. What could be poked at was poked at. What could be frustrated was...
Whether betrayed or unfaithful, one of the biggest struggles for many to overcome is the cold, hard truth that you cannot control your spouse or their behavior.
No matter how passionate I was, or even how proactive I was with my own recovery, I just wasn’t able to make Samantha heal any faster. Sure by doing what I needed to do, and owning my own failures and indiscretions, I did create space for her to heal and move our recovery along. However, there was no successful strategy to get her to hurry up and heal. The best hope I had was to do all I could do to get healthy and then see what happened next. In fact, even when I did all I could do, saw Rick personally, went to an EMS weekend and worked hard to own my shame, things were still hard incredibly hard sometimes....
It’s very common during the recovery journey, that there will be moments where things seem to go well. Maybe it’s a good conversation, physical intimacy, a good few days, or just better perspective as a whole. You’re grateful for any semblance of momentum.
Then, before you know it, another bad day. Whether it is a reminder, a trigger, new information, someone sees the affair partner, or what seems like a series of a thousand triggers, things go to crap in a heartbeat and we can be feel a set back again. It can seem as though we take two steps forward and thirty seven steps backward and all in the same week or 48 hour period.
It’s short lived momentum, and to this day I’m grateful for it. Early on Samantha and I had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. We lost...
It’s very typical for a betrayed spouse to feel as though their spouse is not remorseful at all for what they’ve done. Unfortunately, some just aren’t on the front end. They will justify it and to turn the knife in their spouse, they will only blame their betrayed spouse for their affair.
In fact, some are just sorry they got caught.
Their private life has been exposed, their secret love affair has been put on stage for all to see, and they feel like all they wanted was to be happy. It’s a sad commentary on the selfishness and utter blindness we unfaithful spouses walk in for weeks, months and yes, unfortunately years.
I’d caution any betrayed spouse to have accurate expectations when it comes to remorse, grief or sorrow at what their spouse has done....
Infidelity absolutely rips at the seams of self-reliance. I was in fact, one of those people years ago. I believed the adage “If it was to be, it was up to me.” I was a “make it happen” kind of guy indeed. I believed my destiny and the outcome of anything was up to me and my choices and my ability. My self-will factor was off the charts.
Then my infidelity surfaced and my life was ripped apart. One of the biggest struggles of my recovery was absorbing the reality that I was NOT in control of Samantha’s recovery. I was barely in charge of my own recovery due to the fact that I was such a mess mentally, emotionally and even spiritually.
Success in life seduces us into self-reliance and self-sufficiency. When we hit a crisis and life changing events like infidelity,...
Upon disclosure, I remember struggling to put words to my feelings or to even be able to apprehend Samantha’s feelings.
Initially I was saddened by what my affair had done to Samantha and I was willing to do whatever it took to stay in the same house as my kids. Notice, I wasn’t willing to do whatever it took to stay married to Samantha. I just was not there yet. From the self-deception and disconnection with what I had done to the jaded view I had of Samantha, I just wasn’t thinking clearly. I was thinking somewhat primitively as I was willing to do whatever I could to protect the kids, but in terms of devotion, reconnection, empathy, humility and safety to Samantha, I was a thousand miles away.
I knew I didn’t want to go back to the way the marriage was in the past. I...
One of the greatest needs during marital crisis, and especially marital crisis due to infidelity, is objectivity. The case for objectivity is iron clad, as it provides an irreplaceable ingredient for stabilization and understanding.
It’s a pretty fair assumption that much of what you say to your spouse is going to be seen through the filter of the years of history you all have as a couple. There is a lens they will see you through, and that lens is clouded with blame, justification, childhood issues, anger and several other factors. The fact is they just can’t hear you. You’re not the objective one. In their eyes, you’re the one who’s either made them cheat or you’re the cheater. You’re the one who has forced their hand, or has been led to seek affirmation, love and...
I really don’t know if you should save your marriage. It’s not uncommon I’ll hear from betrayed spouses who feel shamed, manipulated or almost pushed into reconciliation due to some religious belief or traditional thought about forgiveness, reconciliation and ‘obeying God.’
The fact is, I wouldn’t tell you to “Go save your marriage.”
If you talk to the staff of Affair Recovery long enough, as well as me, you’ll hear all of them say it’s about “Seeing if the marriage can be saved.” Right now, you probably just don’t know. At the onset of my exposure, I wanted to save the marriage for sure, but mostly for the kids. Samantha genuinely wasn’t sure at all if she wanted to save the marriage, and she was a pastor’s wife. She was obviously torn due to 10 years of marriage,...
At some level, this post will be a bit controversial. For some it will strike a chord of agreement, and for others it may cause some grief. I get both sides, but my intention here is to encourage, while also offering insight from someone who has personally gone through infidelity as well as helps those who are currently trying to break free, heal and gain much needed perspective.
Time after time I see a very well intending counselor, pastor or other clergy member attempting to give insight, advice or counsel to those who are going through this nightmare, yet they themselves have never been through it. It certainly doesn’t mean they shouldn’t give encouragement, perspective and support, or even professional insight; however if they have never been through...
Every time I send someone to the site for hope, insight and perspective, eventually I’ll hear from someone, “But you don’t understand, our story is so different……” Or another one is, “Well in your story, he or she was sorry for what they did, my spouse is not.” Or a classic is, “But our story is so much worse.”
While I understand the pain you may be in, those that have poured their heart out here would argue that their story was excruciating in every sense of the word. They would also tell you that though the stories may have some changes and some twists and turns, the fact is, it was the worst for them.
The fact is, many of you are seeing your story right now as you are living through it. The chapter may not be closed yet. Every great story has at least one rough...
I was studying for a message the other day and stumbled upon a fantastic sermon. I didn’t catch his name, but I heard an analogy that was spot on for crisis and transition in life.
When in the birthing room, there are typically three key individuals in the room: the mother, the baby, and the midwife. In the process of birth, the baby comes to what they call the “point of transition,” or “the point of no return.” The baby is no longer in the womb, and but is not yet in the world. It’s a transition, but it’s a unique place. It’s this backdrop which creates the image of the three key players, or in this case, three stages we go through as a couple or an individual who is trying to heal.
The mother is consumed by the pain. Of course she is, it hurts like hell. She is...
How many betrayed spouses have I heard recite their unfaithful spouse’s new mantra, or as some would call it, their “get out of jail free card.” Known lately as the mantra of ambivalence and indifference, “I love you, I’m just not IN LOVE with you,” is one of the most hurtful yet equally ludicrous statements a person can make.
When you claim that you love someone, but are not in love with them, you reveal your immaturity and your deception about what love is. Real live adult love is when you choose to love someone long after the infatuation and child-like fantasy love fades. It’s when you choose to act in the best interest of another and not just yourself. True love is to remain committed to the choice you made years prior when you were just as ‘in love’ with your spouse as you...
If you’re like me, you hate transition or change. Actually, I love change when it benefits me, makes me more money, or brings some sort of blessing. What I hate is the time period where you are in-between where you were and where you want to be. It’s miserable, agonizing and will most certainly stretch you for all your worth. As my father-in-law says so well, “It will most certainly test your metal.” Consider the story from the book of Luke below….
22 Now on one of those days Jesus and His disciples got into a boat, and He said to them, “Let us go over to the other side of the lake.” So they launched out. 23 But as they were sailing along He fell asleep; and a fierce gale of wind descended on the lake, and they began to be...
