Sadly, empathy is very rare even though it's the most important ingredient to recovery in my opinion. I'm a betrayed spouse who was 110% committed to saving my 15 yr marriage and family w/ 2 pre-teen boys for over 2 years of false recovery relapse with my ex wife's affair partner. It's very painful being repeatedly injured by a non-remorseful and unempathetic spouse. It kills you inside. I finally had to walk away fix myself and be strong for my kids. Sadly that's what it took for my ex to START having empathy (3 yrs out). Just too much damage done to repair or restore trust. A cheating spouse must have empathy, but the very act of adultery is the most selfish thing a spouse can do. Expecting them to change over night while you're on your own "island" just seems like wishful thinking...if they were capable of empathy, they probably never would've cheated in the first place.

It wasn't until my wife sat down one night and just said, "It hurts me to think about how much pain you must have felt when I cheated on you. I am so sorry for what I did to you. When I really put myself in your shoes I hurt to know how much pain I put you through." THAT was the empathy I was searching for and needed so badly from her. I needed her to "get it". Until she said that to me I didn't feel like she really got it. From that point forward things got a lot better.

I kept telling her again and again that I just wanted her to "get it". She didn't know what that meant in the beginning. Finally, out of the blue, she sat down that night and told me. I was blown away. Trust followed after that. We're just over 2 years out from DDay. We're better now than we've ever been.

I watched your video because I, as the betrayed spouse am in desperate need of finding a source that I can relate to. Up to this point 6 months past discovery, 4 months since no contact with AP, I have yet to gain the empathy that I have been openly begging for. My husband is the one who begged me to stay. Begged me to give him the chance to “fix this”. And while he has made efforts, to help himself
Overcome an addiction to porn and building inappropriate relationships with women...now to the point of a sexual relationship for almost a year...he has yet to empathize with me. And when i allow myself to be vulnerable enough with him to share my feelings about some things...in spite of how delicate I deliver the conversation, I find myself being prejudged as though I am going to “let him have it”. I don’t feel so am met with an understanding heart. I don’t feel like I am heard. I merely feel like I am barely tolerated. Head thrown back, eyes rolled, and words farted my way of “how long is this going to take...?” Im not even asking him to agree with me or demanding I am right. I am just asking to be heard and cared about. Right now I don’t even feel like I matter. He shares little sentiment towards me saying it’s hard to hug a prickly person ...as though I am looking for ways to punish him. I find it hurtful and it only adds to my feelings of unworthiness and inadequacy. He actually said to me that my “sharing” with him makes him feel like crap. So, then a I am left feeling guilty for sharing how something made me feel and that something* never really gets addressed. So things become perpetual. He has a counselor he goes to. His defense is that he can’t really ever say anything and has told me his counselor agrees. But I find it difficult to believe that an educated physiologist would ever suggest that someone “really can’t say anything”. I would argue that one would have plenty to say that they would benefit from if they just understood their audience and empathized with them...no? So I am left feeling unheard, misunderstood, unloved, taken for granted, like I don’t matter, and as a result of my own inability to shut my mouth about my feelings of pain...I am also unable to gain his sentiment...this is all too hurtful...and I am finding less and less hope that this will work out.

Spot on! I cried, I cant agree with you more ! I am 13 months from our Dday and I still feel I have not gotten a heartfelt apology . It is all I ever wanted . Married for 18 years with 2 teenage boys hard to leave but fear I must , I just get defensiveness , can’t help
But wondering why no empathy and if he has truely fessed up to everything why is he still soo defensive and dismissive ? Without empathy and trust of course there is nothing !

Samuel - love your video-blogs. I am approaching 17 months out from D Day. It has not gotten easier. While is was away visiting my brand new grandson, my husband went to the other side of the globe seeking his next "chapter" in a quest to fulfill himself. By taking this action, he plunged me into the middle of the ocean with no life raft. His only "action" to fix/repair/deal with the fall out from his "quest" is to become the role model of steadfast, integrity based positivity. We have attempted three disasterous marriage counseling sessions. He will NOT participate in counseling on his own. He can show others empathy - but none for me. He says that he cannot as he is the one that caused me this much pain and is too overcome with guilt and shame to deal with my anger and hurt. He just wants to hold the line and stay the course and wait for me to get over it. I cannot simply get over it without his forward motion to recovery. We are in a stalemate.

How does one successfully ask their partner to hear what is needed when they will not. I do not see a future unless he can be moved to action.

Exactly true. Being betrayed is the ultimate ‘you don’t matter’ and ‘your heart and feelings don’t matter’. empathy is required for true reconciliation.

How do you get past that gut feeling that the secrets and infidelity your unfaithful mate committed are still happening? He states its not but I cant shake that gut feeling, it has been right so many times. I am starting to think it is my safety net, but can that safety net get out of control?

My husband and I have been separated for four months. Recently I asked him if he would get a rug I needed down from a high place so I wouldn’t further injure my shoulder. He is living in our home and I moved out. I called it the storage room instead of the third bedroom. He said yes he would get it down for me. This was all over texting. I went the next day to get some stuff while he was at work and it wasn’t down like he said it would be. I confronted him and he said I didn’t know what you were talking about. I call that room the third bedroom so if you wanted me to do it you should have told me to get it from the third bedroom. It’s a three bedroom single-wide trailer. It’s a room that we designated as a closet and storage room for the family. He focused more on the specific name of the room and how I messed the meaning up than his lack of doing my request. He just doesn’t get it!

It’s been 16 months since I found out for sure ( even though he lies & lies & lies & makes me feel like I’m insane) he absolutely will NOT talk about it.... we have been together for 45 years ( both young teens. Both virgins) married for 31 years. The betrayal is beyond devastating. I want to heal & move forward but he just will NOT have a conversation ... he is the master stonewaller & bully... he’s too busy he’s focusing on work etc...I have become physical several times ( from the pain & frustration & his lack of empathy & non communication) I’ve never hit anyone in my life but I went into a black out rage ( not proud of it but he deserved worse!) I just don’t know how to get him to talk I feel like he must still be with her ( but haven’t found any proof ) I am an emotional wreck & SO unhappy. I just don’t know what to do. I’ve sent him a few articles & he said he deleted all of them. He absolutely refuses to go see someone. The articles have saved me cuz I know I am NOT crazy. HE IS! There was NO reason for his affair ( other than him turning 60... she’s 15 years younger... no kids & divorced 3 times...) he picked a real gem. She KNEW he was married but doesn’t care...I still love him & want our marriage to work ( not sure how/ why) I am just at the end of my rope... any suggestions?

What about a betrayed spouse who won't hear or listen to anything the wayward spouse does or says? How do you handle a situation where you, the FORMER wayward spouse, have done everything possible to rectify things, and the betrayed won't get help, won't work on the marriage, won't concede to any responsibility in the relationship except the attitude of "I haven't been the easiest to live with", but essentially cannot take any ownership beyond this to repair or heal?

I am not minimizing the pain and anguish of the betrayed, but simply saying that when the wayward spouse has done everything he or she can possibly do to heal, move forward, own up to their mistakes, be accountable, but it still isn't enough? I see a lot of content on this page about how unreliable the betraying spouse is, how non-accountable, non-remorseful and non-responsive they are. I see very little about how to proceed when the wayward spouse has spent literally years attempting to reach out to the betrayed spouse (years, as in 25) and has received a fair amount of coldness, silence, turning away, and apathy, despite numerous attempts to improve the relationship (including all types of attempts to talk, be affectionate / loving, seek counseling / therapy, be willing to recognize unproductive behavior / be teachable / humble), and heal and grow into something else.

What can a person do when coldness and apathy has contributed to a situation where the wayward spouse was driven to the point of madness and desperation, anguish, rejection and ultimately infidelity. What if the betraying spouse has owned up to their mistakes and experienced repeated shame and blame? Is it healthy for the wayward spouse to be in the process of making changes that the betrayed spouse claims were never made, and if only those changes were made the marriage would have been better, and still those changes don't make a difference? And please don't respond with "well, everyone is unhappy, so divorce is the only option". I'm tired of hearing that if you've tried and your spouse is non-responsive, after 25 years, divorce is the only option. Divorce, so-called "incompatibility" and other similar excuses are not a solution, they are a sign of selfishness, as much as infidelity is. While I agree that you cannot "make" anyone behave in any certain way, there also needs to be an acknowledgement that divorce is much too common and is used as an excuse for not following God's plan for our lives, which is to make your relationship the priority, at all costs - and that's a responsibility that BOTH sides bear, no matter what. If there is betrayal or disconnect, both sides must play a part in healing that brokenness. If one refuses, the other can stand and bear that burden for the other by taking the higher road - which doesn't involve simply laying down and letting divorce happen. God says in Malachi 2:16 that He hates divorce. And there is a reason why - because it doesn't actually heal the marriage, it only makes the hole wider and deeper. He implores us to be tender-hearted, forgiving, and compassionate with each other. When we continue to point fingers at the other person and not acknowledge the log in our own eyes, we perpetuate the cycle of anger, bitterness, and resentment. And that doesn't heal anything.

I just want to posit that there are actually wayward spouses who love and adore their spouses dearly, but reached the end of their emotional ability to handle the relationship that was sinking and made a grave mistake by reaching out to someone else ... but who desperately want to repair the relationship and make things right. Not all wayward spouses are bad, horrible people with no regret, no remorse, who are still continuing their destructive behavior with an AP, and don't have any intention of changing to help the other person and themselves heal. I believe that enabling a betrayed spouse to continue anger, resentment, bitterness and living in the past isn't healthy and only allows he or she to continue in that mind frame. It doesn't create a environment for healing, especially when the betrayed spouse won't talk about the problems except to lash out and place blame and shame, won't seek any outside help, and continues doing the same things they have done for years, even in the midst of dramatic changes on the side of the wayward spouse. I'd love some insight here. Thank you.

I agree empathy is crucial. In addition, empathy needs to be present instead of defensiveness. The unfaithful needs to move out of self-centeredness and more toward humility.

My spouse has no empathy for being able to sit in my negative emotions. I have such a hard time wrapping my mind around this idea of I’m going to hurt you and then act like it’s all your fault for the whole horrific mess!! How wounding and heartless for every betrayed spouse to be blamed for their spouses infidelity!!! Why does it have to be this way?!?! Why can’t they look inward t themselves and take full responsibility for their actions?!?! Why do they choosing to push their spouse away?!?! My heart is just shattered and then all I hear is that it’s all my fault!!!

Samuel, thabks for this. I did H4H and am familair with the term of leaning into the betrayed partner's pain. When I respond empathetically to my husband (whether he is spiraling in dark thoughts, raging with sarcasm and, or simply expressing his pain in a calm manner), he seems to only get more upset. I say things like "I see why you would think that.." or "i cant begin to imagine..." "I understand why you feel that way" he usually snaps back with "No you can't. You'll never know unless you experience it. And it must be nice to know I'm not going to do that to you. You'll never understand!"

It feels like no matter what words I use to show empathy he still rejects them. Any thoughts on responding further or differently?

Samuel, you are so funny, I appreciate your honesty, and you are right the unfaithful need to show empathy, however, coming from their background it can be very difficult, my husband never learned empathy or sympathy. He is having to learn it now. But it makes the betrayed feel understood and we need that from the unfaithful.
Thank you

We are Christians but after almost 6 months after 1st day (there have been 2 more-last one 5 days ago) he is so into his own pain and anger he simply has not and can not be there for the sickening pain I'm going through. He was deemed in severe diepression and has been on disability for 2 months with intensive 6 hour day one on one and group therapy.... nothing has changed. I, on the other hand have received very little help and I've tried to get it. Thank the Good Lord there is Affair Recovery and other youtube blogs-this is the only thing that has kept me going.

Thank you for putting in words what I have felt I needed. I am in round two of my husbandś infidelity. The first happened after a miscarriage and during another one. He felt he did not have a problem. This last affair lasted a year, while we had our toddler son. It also came with a revelation that he had been talking to woman throughout my pregnancy and my son infancy. He has had issues showing empathy. He has taken some responsibility, but wants things to change before healing happens. Thank you for putting it in words. I am not sure of the status of the marriage, but I know that my healing comes first.

It is laying down the tools that used to work to hide the affairs/addiction! Don't bring denial, minimization and justification-not to mention ego!- to the fight that doesn't have to even take place. Empathy is also not, in a weak moment, or during a sad movie saying, "I'm sorry". Empathy is simply listening (just like you said, Samuel) and being mindfully present. Maybe voicing how obviously hurt (devastated/saddened/grief stricken) your spouse appears. When my spouse can do that, I feel seen, heard, and respected. He has now, with a year of practice, been able to then take it a step further and say, "that must feel scary" or "that must have been so difficult to wrestle with all alone" and sometimes, "wow, I had no idea that's how you felt. I'm so grateful you told me. How can I help with that?" That is growth! (Because he would deny the situation, tell me I didn't or shouldn't feel that way or I was just plain wrong about the situation, right before getting angry and saying super dumb things. I was not seen or heard, solidifying the lie that I didn't "matter".) I'm so grateful there is empathy between us.

I was betrayed. 22 years 2 planned children. I had to find out myself after being put through hell for close to a year being told I was crazy and my partner watched me as I completely broke. With a straight face would lie and blamed me. There was involvement from my partners family gave me a shoulder to cry on while knowing the truth and lied in such a cruel way it destroyed me. I wanted nothing more than to repair any part I played in the betrayal but never got that in return. Now we have been trying to work it out and there are ups and downs. My triggers are extreme due to how I found out and what I read and seen. There was zero remorse and after I confronted it was all my fault and continued to justify and lie. I myself have worked hard to understand both sides. I have excepted what has happened but the triggers are difficult since there is zero empathy when it happens instead I get shame, anger and told I am causing pain and guilt. When all I want is empathy and acknowledgement. I love my partner very much and it hurts me to know I am causing pain but it doesn't feel right without empathy.

Hi, as I am listening to the advice, I hear “if you want your betrayed partner to do this” then show empathy. As a betrayed wife, I do not want my husband to have empathy for the sake of what he wants from me but for the sake of really understanding what I need and because he feels my pain. No more selfish acts will show me that he can give something not only for his own gain but out of genuine care for the person they hurt.