A client once shared the following story with me. As always, I've changed some of the details out of respect for the parties involved.

"I watched in horror as the police subdued my partner. It was 2:30 in the morning, and I needed sleep, so I had called 911. I thought the police would simply tell my partner to cool off and give me space. After the police arrived, though, they could hear my partner's rage coming from the other room. Not an unusual occurrence, my partner was yelling and screaming, before eventually busting through the locked door and lunging at me. Once my partner began hitting me, an officer moved into action and tased them. I couldn't believe what was happening. I was only trying to diffuse the situation after many failed timeout attempts. How on earth did we get to this place?"

Attempting to deal with questions at predetermined times, such as on Wednesdays at three o'clock, can be counterproductive. If the betrayed spouse has to wait to ask questions, the frustration of waiting builds, which may in turn cause the unfaithful spouse to be defensive. Dealing with questions as they arise, when it's appropriate, helps the discovery process be less emotional.

That said, only ask questions in a safe space. For instance, continually texting your mate at work or calling them when they are with other people will be counterproductive — especially if they have a job where it's not safe to talk.

Don't make any major decisions until you've had time to process through the information and calm down.

First and foremost, commit to the process. Agree not to make any decisions until you've gone through the process of discovery. Don't punish by threatening divorce or threatening to have your own affair each time they tell you something you don't like. It's difficult for the unfaithful spouse to answer questions if they feel they are under constant threat of losing everything. If the injured spouse wants the information, they need to make it safe enough for their mate to share the answers.

To encourage your mate's disclosure, try to not react. If you can't be safe enough to receive the information, they won't feel safe enough to give the information. For the unfaithful spouse to be a part of rebuilding trust, they first have to trust you with the information. For them to trust, you need to avoid punishing them for being honest. If you've been guilty of overreacting in the past, acknowledge your new commitment to resist that and try to start fresh. This isn't condoning what they've done, but without honesty, there is no way to deal with the deception. Their willingness to be honest indicates their move toward intimacy, loyalty, and commitment. Keep reminding yourself that regardless of how devastating the information, the fact that they are answering your questions is also positive in that it indicates progress and a certain degree of hope for the future.

Most discovery questions can be answered in ten minutes. If it goes longer than that, you've started lecturing. If each question asked takes hours to go through the answers and all the rebuttals, then it's not going to encourage the process. Letting them answer the question and then move on helps the unfaithful spouse be more open to the process.

Try to stay rational. If emotions escalate out of control, stop the conversation. The objective is to have a rational conversation. If either party gets overly emotional, the conversation will be more hurtful than helpful. Both parties need permission to call a timeout when it's apparent the conversation will only make things worse. When using timeouts:

• Both agree to a timeout protocol.
• Either party can call a timeout.
• The person calling timeout has to say when they will resume the conversation (30 minutes or tomorrow over the lunch hour).

Don't focus on the argument during the timeout. Distract yourself, get something done, or try to relax. When you come back, seek first to understand their perspective before trying to be understood.

Allow yourself to take breaks from discovery. If you need a break and want to go out and have a good time, tell your mate they can take you out because time together will be good, but nothing has changed otherwise. You simply recognize that you need a night off. Tell them that tomorrow, you'll probably go back to where you were the night before.

Ask yourself two questions: "Why do I need to know this?" and "Will the answer to this question help me move forward in my healing?" If the answer to either of these questions is "No," then, as difficult as it might seem, don't ask the question.

Limit "why" questions. Your mate probably won't know the answer. Generally, they thought no further than, "I'll never get caught." You can ask, but don't spend too much time trying to figure it out in the discovery stage. It may be months before they understand why they did what they did.

Try to ask the appropriate questions. Don't ask comparison questions; they will only create intrusive thoughts.

Agree to the 24-hour rule. If a question is asked where the unfaithful spouse feels the answer would cause more intrusive thoughts, such as sexual positions, then allow them to use the 24-hour rule. They will agree to give you the answer in 24 hours, but during that time, they will think about it and make sure it's an answer you really want. This step is key to gaining ground in both spouses' recoveries.

1. Agree to answer your mate's questions.

2. Tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. More damage is done by the deception than by the sexual acts. It's the deception that creates the sense of betrayal. Not only can they not trust you, but they can't trust reality or their intuition. They don't even know if they can trust their gut about what seems real. Please answer their questions; it's the only way to help them find what's real. It's also the only way you will be able to move on.

3. Cut off all contact with your affair partner.

4. When asked "why," if you don't know, then say so. Also, let your betrayed partner know you will do whatever is necessary to find out why.

5. Listen to what your mate has to say. If it's true, let yourself feel it; if it's not, let it pass. If you don't know, then ask others whether it's true.

6. Take note of what makes your mate anxious and do what you can to minimize those situations. Put proper boundaries in your life as proof that you're doing what's necessary to not only protect your mate but to also protect yourself.

7. Don't be defensive; rather, take full responsibility. Don't blame your mate. Bad marriages don't cause affairs. Two people can be in a bad marriage, but usually only one has an affair. That shows that bad marriage is not the cause. Bad choices cause affairs. Take responsibility for what you've done.

8. Be patient with the process. Discovery and surviving infidelity takes time and may include times of irrationality. This process might take up to two years or longer. Don't expect the betrayed mate to just "get over it." They care enough about you that they're willing to go through this phase in an attempt to find something new for the two of you.

9. Don't minimize what you've done. Be rigorously honest. That's the type of honesty where you share the parts you don't want to share (except for the case where you need to invoke the 24-hour rule). If you minimize it, your mate won't believe you; if you tell it honestly, it might hurt but at least your mate will know you're serious about being honest.

10. Let your mate decide how much information he or she needs. It's not for you to decide what they need to know. Ask them what level of detail they would like and answer their questions. Don't try to control your mate by controlling the flow of information or telling them how they should think or feel.

11. If they begin asking comparison questions, use the 24-hour rule. Tell them you will give them the answer, but you want them to think about it for 24 hours to make sure it is information they will find helpful to your healing and to the rebuilding of trust.

12. Give your mate permission to talk with others, especially those whom you've identified as supportive listeners who have an open mind about the marriage being saved.

13. Don't make the process all about you. If you become self-consumed with guilt and shame about what you've done, you won't be able to be present for your mate.