How Does the Betrayed Spouse Grieve Properly? "It is hard to have patience with people who say, 'There is no death,' or 'Death doesn't matter.' There is death. And whatever is matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it and they are irrevocable and irreversible." - CS Lewis Below is information taken directly from our Harboring Hope1 coursework. We hope it provides an example of the type of recovery work betrayed spouses do while pursuing healing. Our society does not deal well with grief. Grief is the normal reaction to loss, but because our culture does not handle it well, you may have never learned to deal with your own grief or with the grief of others'. You may have unresolved grief from earlier losses that you haven't dealt with. Even if that is not the case, you certainly have your fair share of grief in your current situation. You must start by realizing that it is normal to feel grief after betrayal. Betrayal is loss. It is actually a whole list of losses. Recognizing the losses associated with your spouse's betrayal and letting yourself grieve are critical to your successful recovery. This is true regardless of whether there is reconciliation in the marriage or not. As we said above, the discovery of infidelity results in numerous losses: loss of the person to whom you believed you were married loss of your dreams for the future loss of the idea of your marriage loss of emotional safety in your marriage loss of trust and confidence in your mate the loss of hope for your marriage and/or future together The experience is much the same for you as for someone who experiences the death of a loved one. However, your loss is much more complicated in many ways because you may have little or no support. Your type of grief falls under the category of "disenfranchised grief," and is therefore more challenging to navigate. Disenfranchised grief is connected to a loss that is unrecognized by society at large. It is the loss of something that people may not know about, or even if they do know about the betrayal, they might view the hurting person judgmentally. You may have shared your loss with a few trusted friends. However, you may have not shared your loss with anyone. You might feel as though people would look down on you and see you as somehow deficient. Not sharing your loss may feel safer, but it is not beneficial for your recovery. Trying to avoid it will only prolong your recovery. Finding hope many times comes through finding new perspective for our pain and trauma. The cost of grieving infidelity is something the betrayed spouse does not necessarily have a choice about. Still, we believe it is important to consider what the betrayal has cost—not just you and your children but also your spouse. Remember, grief is the normal reaction to loss. Please do not try to stay in the marriage and move on without considering your pain and your losses and allowing yourself time to grieve. What is Normal Grief The way we grieve is affected by many factors: the family we came from and the way grief was modeled; our own history of loss; our basic personality and gender; our relationship; the magnitude of the loss; our particular culture; and whether we tend to be more thinkers, feelers, or doers. The way we have grieved previous losses affects how we approach the losses associated with betrayal. Trying to avoid it will only prolong your recovery. The way we grieve is affected by many factors. Some come from families in which tears were not acceptable—or worse, they were punished. Others of us may come from traditions where it is okay to be sad, but only for a brief time. Many feelings are normal as we go through grief, but our emotional comfort level with them is connected to the families we come from more than anything. Grieving is an individual experience; there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people grieve by crying openly without embarrassment. Others cry only behind a closed door alone. Some people grieve by "doing." They are not avoiding their feelings but rather expressing them through actions. Many people grieve through anger. Often misunderstandings among family members spring up because people don't grieve the same way. Grieving is not linear; it does not always happen in a step-by-step manner. Some of the models listed in grief materials have stages. Others have tasks or phases. It is important to understand that grief is not stepwise. You don't check off one stage before you move on to the next. The grieving model we find most useful was devised by a man named J. William Worden. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross also has a five-stage grief model. However, the model you use does not matter as much as your active commitment to allowing yourself the time and space to grieve. Worden's Model Worden's model uses "tasks", instead of "stages" or "steps", because he believes that grieving must be a proactive process: The first task: Accept the reality of the loss. Shock, numbness, and disbelief are usually experienced initially after a loss. Many times others mistakenly look at someone in shock and think they are being strong. The emotions that come after the shock and numbness wear off can feel like a huge wave, hitting the person in the face,—one they never saw coming. The second task: Work through the pain of grief. Normal feelings include sadness, anxiety, anger, isolation, loneliness, guilt, relief, and even feelings of craziness, and/or hallucinations. What usually occurs after the pain sets in is a bouncing back and forth between overwhelming feelings of betrayal and moments in which the individual goes back into disbelief and numbness. We believe this is God's grace, keeping one from experiencing the enormity of all these feelings simultaneously. This part of the healing journey can take some time, so we advise you take a few key steps: Be patient with yourself. Enjoy the moments that are not filled with overwhelming pain while recognizing it takes a while for the pain to truly get better. Seek expert care while you're grieving. Knowledge is a form of power for you. Find community. Our courses are an excellent source of support for your unfolding journey As mentioned before, grieving after the discovery of a betrayal is complicated. It is not a normal sort of grief. It is a stigmatized or disenfranchised grief. Please seek out those who will empathize and not bring judgment. Remember that our culture is not very good at accommodating those who are grieving. We actually make few allowances for pain or feelings anyway. We are a pain-free, death-denying culture, and as a result, an individual grieving even a death may get only a few days off to deal with what has happened. Someone who is grieving a betrayal does not get any time off at all. It can be hard to function. Sadly enough, you may be in a position where you have to educate those who love you as to what you need. If you'd like to find community, consider our Harboring Hope course. You can also find support and expert help for your recovery by joining our Recovery Library. It's a monthly membership, on a 'go at your own pace recovery' without having to commit to a year or six month sign up package. Simply take it month by month as you find help for grief and direction for your recovery efforts. Hardie, Leslie, LCSW, and Haney John Mark, PhD, LPC. Harboring Hope. Austin: Hope for Recovery, 2008. Print. Sections: NewsletterFounder's LaptopFree ResourcesHot Off the PressRL_Category: Emotional RegulationFor The Hurt SpouseHandling DiscoveryRL_Media Type: Text
