2 Part Series:

1. Do You Struggle with Forgiveness?
2. Understanding Grief in Infidelity

This week we have Part Two of Mona Shriver's guest post. We've heard nothing but wonderful reviews of last week's article on forgiveness, and this week Mona shares specifically on the need for grief in recovery. Grief can be perplexing, especially as it pertains to infidelity, but after reading Mona's article we hope you'll find that it is necessary, incredibly transformational, and provides a pathway to personal and marital healing. Grief also provides a pathway through what can feel like uncontrollable anger.

The trauma of infidelity is huge. The healing process can be overwhelming and convoluted. When we began our own journey in 1993 there were few resources. We did find a good counselor and we worked hard. We healed. We grew. Neither of us is the same person we were before we went through the healing process to rebuild our marriage. And quite frankly, we're glad. We like ourselves and each other a whole lot more.

Going Through It Alone

One of the needs that soon surfaced after the revelation was to be able to talk with another couple who'd successfully navigated infidelity. Someone to tell us it was worth trying to heal. Someone who could look us in the eyes and tell us it really was possible to enjoy each other again. Someone who had done it. Our pastor and counselor told us they were out there, but we never found them. Two years later our counselor approached us to be that couple for someone else and a ministry was born. Hope & Healing Ministries, Inc. is a Christian peer support ministry for couples in infidelity recovery. We met Rick Reynolds and became acquainted with Affair Recovery many years ago at a conference. We, and the couples we serve, have benefitted greatly from the resources available through Affair Recovery, and it is an honor to offer some insights through this much needed resource.

One of the things I didn't comprehend at the beginning was the depth of the grieving process those of us who have been betrayed must walk through. Oh, certainly I knew that I would grieve many losses in my marriage. It didn't take long at all to understand I'd lost the husband I thought I had - I hadn't for one moment thought Gary was capable of this. I knew I'd lost the "good marriage" I thought we'd had - one that was above this threat. I knew I'd lost my image of myself - a woman who would know if something was wrong and couldn't be deceived. I knew immediately there had been losses. I'd felt the floor fall out from underneath me. My security and stability were far beyond my reach, even my strong faith wobbled in fear and disappointment. But I still didn't understand grieving then. Anger I could understand, but grief was foreign.

Understanding Grief

Grief is defined as deep mental anguish, deep sorrow. Frankly I didn't realize just how "deep" that deep was or what it would take to work my way back up through it. We often tell couples that the revelation of infidelity is comparable to the sudden death of someone you love. I've lost count of how many look me in the eye and say, "this is worse."

How can that be? The big difference is twofold in my opinion.

First, the wound of adultery is personal and feels intentional. It's inflicted by the one we trusted most. Even if there wasn't trust in the marriage, there was always hope they would someday become that person we could trust. Second, those of us experiencing adultery are not supported in the same way as those who experience a death. With death, everyone knows. They grieve with you. They bring meals, send flowers, and go out of their way to help you through this difficult time. And there's ritual - a funeral or memorial. The world stops for just a moment to note this significant event. They encourage us. Tell us we can make it. They don't advise us to give up on healing. In the case of infidelity, if the healing hasn't occurred in the timetable those outside the marriage believe is acceptable, they tell us to get out of the relationship or suck it up and move on. I often wonder if some of those couples who just "couldn't heal" got stuck in the grief of the betrayal.

Fortunately, a lot of excellent work has been done on grieving in the past few years. One of the things we've learned is that pain does not just go away with time. Dr. Gary Rosberg says it best: "You can bury pain, but you bury it alive."¹ The pain will work its way out eventually and cause even more damage.

When we attempt to bury the pain or stuff it down, anger emerges, and seemingly compounds almost daily. Betrayed spouses wonder if they will ever be able to diffuse or overcome what feels like raw rage, especially since nothing they have tried has given them any traction. It's a common prescription to betrayed spouses to "just forgive and you won't be angry anymore." I'm sorry, but that's just not usually true. A betrayed spouse who is dealing with severe anger will need to actually grieve first, then slowly and steadily move towards forgiveness.

But grieve what you ask?

They may grieve the loss of the marriage they thought they had. They may grieve the life they thought they were going to live, free of infidelity or addiction. They may also have to grieve for the consequences that have arisen due to their spouse's or partner's actions. They may grieve the image they had of their spouse or even of themselves.

Grieving vs. Mourning

The Center for Loss and Life Transition in Fort Collins, Colorado is run by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, a noted grief counselor. One of the profound findings they teach is that there is a difference between grieving and mourning. He says this about grieving a death, but I believe it applies to any grieving process:

Grief is what you think and feel on the inside. It's numbness, sadness, anger, regret, and sometimes relief, all rolled up into one. It's a pain in your gut and a hold in your chest. Mourning is expressing your grief, letting it out somehow. You mourn when you cry, talk about it, write about it, punch a pillow. Everybody grieves inside. But only people who mourn really heal and move on to live and love fully again.²
- Dr. Alan Wolfelt

So what does that have to do with infidelity? It means no matter what does or doesn't happen with your marriage, no matter what does or doesn't happen with the pain caused by the betrayal, your ability to grieve well will greatly influence the rest of your life and the lives of those with whom you connect. So we need to consciously make grieving and mourning a part of our recovery process.

What does that look like? First, there is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are healthy ways to cope with the pain. I believe there are three simple principles which can help guide us in a healthy way.

Recognize the Depth of the Pain

None of us have a problem recognizing there is pain associated with the revelation of infidelity, but I believe we underestimate the depth. At the very least, those who surround us do. And that can include the unfaithful spouse. Betrayed spouses are often allotted a specified period of time to come to grips with what has happened, process it, and move on. The irony is that few, if any, of those who offer this advice would ever say something similar to someone who had experienced a death. Because that expectation is so often communicated, it follows that the betrayed spouse expects this of his or herself. So when s/he finds that six, eight, ten months later s/he is still a mess, his/her mind begins to wonder if healing is really possible. I speak with so many betrayed spouses that share a story along these lines. I listen and then ask one question: "If your spouse had suddenly died 8 or 10 months ago, would you be surprised that you're still struggling?" I've yet to have even one say "yes".

Recognizing the depth of the pain gives us permission to seek healthy ways to mourn instead of wasting so much of our energy trying not to feel the way we do. It would also help those who support us if they understood this principle because they could encourage the one grieving to do the mourning necessary to heal.

Self-Care

The truth is that experiencing this trauma and the grief that accompanies it is exhausting. It takes a lot physically, emotionally, and spiritually to work a healing- process after a deep wound like infidelity. So why do so many of us try to continue on as normal? The problem with "pretending normal" (as Rick calls it) is that we fail miserably and exhaust our resources even more in those efforts.

We tell couples to treat themselves like they were in a severe car accident. Just because you can't see the wound doesn't mean it won't begin to fester without proper care. You wouldn't try to do everything like normal if you had a broken leg or internal bleeding, so stop anything that isn't essential. It will take all you have to just do the necessaries of life. Of course, the difference is no one else can see our broken and bleeding wound, but we can say we're sick. Because the truth is, we are.

And this is where we can help each other. Gary and I tended to take turns being incapacitated. It wasn't anything we planned but it did seem to work out that way. And one of the things we could do for each other - and there weren't a whole lot of those during that time - was give the other person some time and space for extra rest when we ourselves had a bit more energy. In fact, one of the suggestions from our counselor was for Gary to provide me with the opportunity for time alone to do some writing. He took care of the house and kids so I could have a few hours alone to do some of that mourning work. It ended up helping both of us.

Don't Do It Alone

When we were working through recovery, it was the first time in my life I wondered if I would even survive. I found myself totally inadequate. It frightened me and made me question myself. I had simply never experienced trauma and grief at this level, even though I'd experienced the death of a nephew and my father. I had always been the strong, resilient one.

As we've worked with couples in groups, I've seen the value of support. They walk into our first meeting uncertain and wary, their pain obvious even in the way they hold themselves. After experiencing support, there is a noticeable difference. As one person put it, "It's been a refreshing time as opposed to the heaviness of these past weeks".

Grief support groups have become widely accepted as therapeutic and extremely helpful. They are highly recommended to those who have recently experienced a death. People find healing and hope there. We find the same things in that setting for those in infidelity recovery. Very often we hear someone say they finally understand what their spouse and others have been trying to convey for a long time. It's not because we have some extra special words to convey the message, it's simply the dynamics of a group. For me, my final and complete healing came through this support system. I remember clearly stating I had completely healed and realizing it had happened sometime in the past. It had come as we worked with others.

Go through the grieving process. Do the mourning necessary. Access and utilize the expert resources you need to heal. It's the best gift you can give yourself, your kids, and those with whom you do life. And we want to encourage you to continue on so you can process this trauma and heal. It's worth it. I can say that because we did it and I will never regret working through the grief.