When I first went into recovery, I read a great book called “The Myth of Greener Grass.” As the saying goes, the grass is always greener on the other side of the hill, the fence, or just about anywhere other than where you are. For most of us, if we’re feeling dissatisfied with life’s circumstances, this saying seems to hold profound truth. Surely things must be better elsewhere, the only question is where?

What I’ve discovered isn’t that the grass is greener on the other side of the hill. Rather, the grass is simply greener where you water it. Individuals who are consistently dissatisfied with their life’s circumstances are frequently underinvested in their lives. Those who like their circumstances typically seem to be making a noticeable investment in their lives.

This question of investment is crucial. I happen to know this to be true because I’m one of those men fortunate enough to have a sprinkler system. However, personal experience has revealed that sprinkler systems are not the be all and end all. In fact, at times the lawn nevertheless demands as much time as if I were only hand watering. When I use only the sprinkler system, it quickly becomes obvious where the sprinkler system is not watering. The grass which is not adequately watered quickly turns brown and dies. I become dissatisfied with the dry patches in my lawn, but I know they are only dry for lack of my attention and effort. The grass is simply greener where I’ve watered it.

The lesson my lawn teaches me every summer can be applied to relationships as well. Nowhere in our relationships does this little rule of nature seem to be more true than in marriages impacted by infidelity. Individuals involved in affairs frequently complain of their miserable lives, but close observation generally reveals a severe case of under-involvement. It is true, they are miserable; but their misery isn’t generally the result of working overly hard on the relationship. They may be putting effort into their children, but when it comes to their romantic relationships, they invest far more energy into their affair partner than they ever put into their marriage. They write cards to the affair partner, spend hours on the phone, and plan surprises for him or her. In addition to that, they spend hours dreaming of the next time they get to see their lover. In fact, it’s not unusual for them to spend up to 70% of their thought life focused on some aspect of their secret relationship. Given that sort of time investment, is it any surprise that they fail to feel any connection in their marriages? There tends to be little strength, interest, or time left to devote to the marriage. Considering their behavior, no wonder the grass doesn’t seem very green.

In the end, it’s not that the grass is truly greener elsewhere, it’s just greener where it’s watered. If you find that you’re dissatisfied with your marriage, you may be tempted to look for greener pastures. You may even think you’ve found them, if all your efforts and attention are aimed at your affair partner. But you’ll also find that your marriage will be greener if you make the same type of investment in your marriage. Think about it.

"The Myth of Greener Grass" was written by J. Allan Peterson. Click here to purchase the book

April 2007