I love premarital counseling. It’s so easy. You’ve got two people believing they have found the one person in the entire human race who can truly make them happy. They are consumed with bliss and willing to make the necessary sacrifice just to have the opportunity to travel the road of life with this cherished one. Together they will conquer the world and experience true love. It really makes little difference what you say to these couples, because they’re going to do what they want anyway. You can throw warnings at potential problems, but slim chance they will heed your advice because they’ve already figured it out and they are going to do what they want. At best, you can warn them of difficulties, but once they are married, reality most certainly will set in.

In reality, dating, engagement and courtship are all based on a paradigm called romanticism. Romanticism is always about two people longing to be together, but they’re not. It’s about wanting what you don’t have and the sacrifices you’re willing to make to get what you don’t have. Marriage, on the other hand, is based on a system called oneness and is all about having who you don’t want. The paradigm of oneness is somewhat like tying two cat’s tails together and then instructing them to get to the water bowl or to go out and catch supper. It’s no longer about wanting what I don’t have, now I’m connected to another at the hip and we’ve got to figure out how to navigate life. As I always say, “it’s far easier to want what you don’t have than to have who you don’t want” and at some point during marriage the latter comes to pass.

Our inability to comprehend this reality sets couples up for disappointment. Frequently marriage just doesn’t meet expectations. I’ve always thought the best way to explain this reality is a baby in utero. If I could enter a womb and speak to the child, I could try to explain what life is going to be like on the other side. How life is different and how there are these things called air and light. What it means to breathe, “Breathe?” the child might ask, “what is that?” My explanations might leave a little to be desired, how can I explain the reality of breathing to a person who has never felt the wind or experienced anything beyond the safe warm fluid within the uterus? In the same way, our best attempts at explaining marriage are lacking. We can try, but ultimately, those entering the marital union are nevertheless usually pretty naïve about what they are about to experience.

I believe the only naivety that exceeds that of entering a marriage is the naivety we exhibit as we exit a marriage. Why we think that we understand the dynamics of divorce and that we will be able to navigate easily those difficult waters baffles me. If you don’t believe me then just go visit a divorce recovery class. Now there you will see some people who are really hurting. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen individuals in as much pain as those going through the tearing that occurs as a relationship ends. It’s not easy and it is certainly not what most anticipate when they decide to divorce. Like those entering the union of marriage, those exiting this union seem incapable of hearing and/or understanding the reality that awaits them. As a counselor, I can try to warn. I can scream, “Bridge out ahead!” but few will listen.

As you consider your options during this difficult time, if you are considering ending your marriage, please remember you are truly moving to the next magnitude of naivety. Stop and ponder whether it might be worth trying to figure out how to make this thing work. You don’t know what’s waiting for you and no one is any more capable of explaining that reality to you than air to an embryo.

November 2007