A story of Hope from One of Our "Mentorship Couples"

My name is Jack Graham and this is my wife Suzie. We are here tonight to share with you our testimony about what God has done in our lives…the miracles He performed in both Suzie and I. He has taken our mess and given us a message…we pray that you will find hope, comfort, and encouragement through these words.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God" (2 Corinthians 3:4) 

Suzie: This was my life…being married for 14 years with no emotional intimacy between my husband and me.

This was my life…going to bed by myself every night while Jack stayed up all hours viewing pornography and corresponding in chat rooms.

This was my life…not being able to trust my husband sexually with my body because of his disrespectful lust and desires.

This was my life…sex being long and drawn out because Jack could not sustain an erection - his body could not keep up with his fantasies.

This was my life…going out of town once a week to help my elderly grandparents while Jack secretly took advantage of this time to fulfill his sexual addictive behaviors.

This was my life until February 4, 2002 when God uncovered Jack's double life. 

Jack: This was my life… I came from what seemed to be a fairly "normal" family. I was taught right from wrong. I made A's in school, college. I had a good job, married with 3 kids. I provided for my family. I was involved with the kids - soccer coach, school functions I was involved with church - Sunday school teacher, deacon, finance team Didn't really drink or smoke Tried to do things right, honest, sincere

But then again, this was my life too… A life I kept hidden, secret:

Exposed to pornography by the age of 15 Began a daily habit of masturbation, began fantasizing of erotic encounters I developed "wandering eyes"- scanned the room wherever I went - looking for objects of lust…eye candy, just to pass the time… I thought it was all harmless "teenage boy stuff"

By age 18, I had checked out porno movies at XXX shops. I moved on to topless bars. At first, no big attraction, just something to do, something on the edge, excitement. I would find myself going back again and again. It was like getting high and I had to have that sensation whenever I was mad, sad, unhappy, etc. But I still thought of all of this as fairly normal "guy stuff".

As the culture around me got worse, new types of places opened up for me to try. I had to experience everything once! Massage parlors, Lingerie salons, etc. I tried and enjoyed my first real taste of "contact". I had the time but now it required real money. And I had that too. As time went by, doing this new stuff every 2 to 3 months turned into every month, and sometimes every week.

I was being sucked in. I was hooked, caught, and I didn't even know it! The search for the "high" was growing more and more compelling. Through the next few years it progressed even more. It took me down the road to all types of sexual degradation. Escort services and prostitutes.

This was like a drug that had to be increased each time to achieve the same "rush".
I found myself living life going 100 miles an hour, on the edge. This one-time fooling around hobby had become an all encompassing lifestyle that had to be fed daily, even hourly. My thoughts were constantly on sex. I found myself beginning to risk more and more to continue in the lifestyle…my job, my finances, my reputation, and even my life. But all of that didn't seem real to me anymore. I went around in a cloud all day, a false reality. I had developed a lifestyle of "escape".

When the internet came along, things progressed ten-fold. The drug was now at my fingertips, 24 hours per day. It was now brought into my home.

When I got married, I couldn't bring myself to tell my new wife. I couldn't tell anyone. However, I made a promise to stop once I got married. After 3 months, I found out that I couldn't stop. This was really the first time that I realized that my life was out of control. I felt powerless to do anything about it. Thus, I continued on in this "secret life", committing adultery on many occasions. Adultery was a term I began to block out of my consciousness. The shame, the guilt, the depression that came from this was too much to handle. So I would just escape again into that bubble by acting out to avoid thinking or feeling.

This pretty much cut off all intimacy with my wife or any deep relationships I would ever hope to have with anyone. Everything was all surface, shallow. My double life was complete. I was an addict. I had no real relationships with my kids, with my friends, my family. But even with this, on the outside I still maintained a good appearance.

I lived this life for over 20 years. Life was dead to me. I had no hope of ever changing. I had tried and failed on my own too many times. I wanted to die for the last 10 years. I was praying for a car accident or a heart attack. I was really more afraid of a gruesome death, a death that was brought on by AIDS. It wasn't so much for me, but the fact that by now I must have it and I must have given it to my wife! The guilt was overwhelming. So back to the bubble I would go.

It was at this point, at age 40, on February 4, 2002, that God intervened! 

Suzie: Yes, this was the day that started off what was to be a long nightmare of events that seemed like a never-ending road. As I had done many times before, I went to check my email and up flashed naked pictures of myself. I stared at the screen in disbelief wondering how they had gotten there. I was not even aware that these pictures existed. I immediately began to call Jack to question these pictures. Jack didn’t answer his phone so I had to leave numerous messages. He must have been well aware that I was very serious and becoming increasingly upset as every minute passed.

When he finally got home, I confronted him with yet more questions. I knew now that something was seriously wrong. Jack then proceeded to tell me that he thought he had a problem. I just listened. He confessed that these pictures of me were being sent to other men in chat rooms. He also admitted his involvement in internet pornography and XXX theaters. This was the extent of his admission that night. At the time, I thought, ok we can deal with this and this seemed to be a beginning of Jack being able to open up. God really gave me the ability to show him compassion and understanding. Little did I know that many more painful confessions were yet to come. It is a good thing that God didn't reveal to me the whole journey ahead because I would have surely bailed out. Instead, God took me by the hand and led me straight through this emotional hell, protecting me and giving me strength.

It was at this time that God led us to Rick Reynolds and we began couple's counseling and group therapy. Rick put a name to this problem, gave us an understanding of it and a plan for recovery. My husband was a sex addict. Jack realized that he had to become completely transparent to me which included revealing his past behaviors. These revelations came for months and months and always took my breath away as if I were being punched in the stomach. I learned about his many visits to massage parlors, peep shows, escort services, and yes even some male interactions. Intercourse was not his choice of behavior, however, on one occasion it did take place with a prostitute. I immediately scheduled a physical exam with my doctor. What a humiliating experience that was. Thank God for protecting me from any possible STDs. 

Jack: It was the hardest day of my life (up to that point). But, I praise God for that day. He set me free by exposing my sin! He put the light on my darkness when I wouldn't have. I have since learned that God will reveal your sin!

My wife was completely devastated. The pain that I caused her was unimaginable. I thought she was going to physically kill me when she first found out. I was unable to share 100% of my story with her all at once. It was through a series of revelations that I had to put her through for me to get it all out. I would minimize and I would justify but I finally got it all out. This was the biggest step toward recovery for me. I had to become transparent. Suzie had to know it all. So for me to begin to live, I had to slowly kill Suzie. She became Christ for me, showing me unconditional love. It was as if I was shooting bullets at her, sharing with her each of my indiscretions. She would go down, down sometime for days - furious, depressed, confused … Many times she would tell me she didn't know if she could go on. It was just too hard. It was so cold at my house for many days at a time. There were hours and hours of yelling, screaming and tears. There was begging, ultimatums, deadlines, and fallbacks. Divorce was always an option. On two separate occasions, we separated. But each time, by the grace of God, somehow she got back up. She got back up, reaffirmed her love for me and our family, and we proceeded down the road again, again until I had to share with her another hurtful story. I was scared to death that she would leave me each time… that this would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

But by now, time after time of sharing these things, I had begun to feel the leadings of the Holy Spirit again (for so long, I had pushed that down, dulled it out to where I couldn't feel it anymore). Usually, He would wake me up at 3 or 4 o'clock in the morning. My only choice now was to be obedient to what He told me to do, even if I thought it meant losing Suzie. God taught me through this time that I had to put Him first over Suzie. (I was lying to Suzie and disobeying God because I wanted Suzie more than God.) It was then, when I began to be obedient for the first time in my life, that my life slowly began to change! I had been a Christian by then for 9 years, but was never obedient. I was a reader of the word but not a doer. Through obedience, God unlocked understanding. Through obedience, God unleashed His wonderful blessings.

That first year was extremely difficult but wonderful at the same time. God began to pull me from the "slimy pit and to set my feet upon the rock". God used so many tools to break us down and then build us back up. One of those tools that was such a blessing was Rick Reynolds. His guidance and counsel was always dead-on accurate. The best part was that his wisdom always came from Scripture. We knew he was of God.

Other tools God used included books, websites, seminars, groups, and friends. He used our church, our pastor, and two Godly men that confronted me in my sin. We met our very dear friends in a group session that have been indispensable to us in recovery. For me though, the biggest tool He used (after the Holy Spirit and the Word of God) was my wife. Through her, He has shown me grace, forgiveness, patience, encouragement, endurance, and courage. He gave her the strength to not only stay with me through the pain and heartache, but he gave her the strength to pass along to me when I was too weak to help myself. Suzie's "absolutes" on boundaries being set and her firmness on no more failures gave me the guidelines to understand the seriousness of my situation. Her maximizing the costs and the consequences for my behavior helped me to come out of my casual attitude toward the SUDs ("Seeming Unimportant Decisions") I made in my life. She is an incredible woman who allowed God to use her and work through her.

My recovery has been long and hard and I am still going through it. The urges are gone but the temptations will always be there. I still have improvement to make with my eyes and sometimes my thoughts. I have learned so many things hrough this experience. The Bible says:

Live by the Spirit and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
Submit yourselves then to God, Resist the devil and he will flee from you. James 4:7
We know we have come to know Him if we obey His commands. 1 John 2:3

I am now desperate for God. My life as I know it depends on Him. The Bible also says that we do not have because we do not ask or we ask with the wrong motives. So I ask God for everything! God is honoring my biggest request because I know it is in His will… that I be pure.

Prayer, immersing myself in His Word, Church, fellowship all have a greater meaning to me now!

I welcome the urgings of the Holy Spirit now. It reminds me every time of that open pipeline I have to God. God loves me and He wants to use me now. Mine and Suzie's lives have meaning and purpose. It was through our greatest pain and sufferings that God is giving us His greatest victory!

I want to be "real" with people now. For so long, I wasn't who I appeared to be! I'm happy to share this story, warts and all, because it's real. To God be the glory! 

Suzie: This is our life now…we go to bed together every night. 
This is our life now…no more compulsive masturbation. This is our life now…sex is about love, respect and connecting with each other. This is our life now…emotional intimacy that neither one of us can do without.
This is our life now…being accountable to God.
This is our life now…experiencing blessings that far out weigh the previous pain. 

Jack: God seems to be opening the floodgates of blessings on us. Our family is stronger and closer.

My marriage is something I never dreamed it could be… heaven on earth. Our sex life is great. It's about love now, not just physical lust all the time. Suzie is my best friend… she knows everything about me and still loves me! That is incredible. I want to tell her everything that happens to me in life. We often tell each other that we love our life together. What a long way we have come from the first 14 years of our marriage where she literally was my worst enemy.

Call it a coincidence or a blessing, but my business and our finances have grown tremendously since I made the decision to be obedient.

My list of close Christian men friends has gone from 0 to about 5 to 10. I long to go 'deep" with my relationships now!

God has truly taken our mess and given us a message! Because Suzie and I haven't been ashamed to share our story, we have had the privilege of ministering to other couples going through the same thing. We have begun a new ministry at our church which is bringing speakers from around the country to talk to men and their wives about the devastating effects of sexual sin in their lives. Its purpose is to encourage men to come forward, out of their secret lives and begin down the path to recovery. Rick will be one of our first speakers. Shortly, we will be offering a weekly recovery group to men who choose to get free from the bondage of this sin.

There is hope! Don't be afraid to go through the valleys in your lives. For it is through these valleys that God makes us more like Him and teaches us our greatest lessons. I have a new appreciation for those of us who have fallen and who have been beaten up by life and the choices we have made. You, who have gotten back up and continued the race… those of you who begin again to fight the good fight after you have failed… you are life's true heroes! God will honor that! 

Suzie: In order for our marriage to recover, there had to be some necessary ingredients. First, we both had to seek God and focus on Him. Second, Jack had to admit and acknowledge his problem, have the desire to change, have a true Godly sorrow, and repent. Third, I had to be willing to receive God's grace to enable me to forgive. And finally, we had to readjust the boundaries and priorities of our lives and make permanent changes. Recovery is a step-by-step process of moving forward. Trusting God and being obedient to Him is essential.

This was our story and it was a real battle for us and our marriage. Sometimes it seemed like it would be easier just to give up. But God had a different plan. Although it seemed like a horrible thing at the time, it actually has turned out to be the best thing to happen for the sake of our marriage. God wanted us to be victorious over this problem. He wanted us to grow closer to Him and to each other so that we could enjoy the blessings that He had in mind for us - the ones that we are experiencing today. FOR WITHOUT THE BATTLE, HOW WOULD WE KNOW THE VICTORY!