Hello. My name is Laurie Bryson and one of the roles I have at Affair Recovery is that I get to be part of the three-day EMS Weekend intensives that we offer both in person and virtually.

One of the most misunderstood concepts in the journey of recovering from infidelity is the concept of abuse.

Today, I'd like to help shed some light on this concept in a way that can help you navigate what you're dealing with in your relationship.

For those of us who have made it through to the other side of recovery, I can assure you that none of us want to go back to the first weeks and months after the discovery of an affair or some other type of infidelity. The "wild, wild West" barely begins to describe how primitive and intense our emotions can be in the wake of such devastating news.

The typical human emotional response to discovering betrayal is rage and the deepest feeling of violation one can feel. However, during the recovery period, which can last anywhere from 18 months to 3 three years, things can become really messy. Each person responds differently to their pain. Aside from infidelity, we have all found ourselves in situations where we've needed to cope with pain, but it's time we learn to identify and recognize the line between what is acceptable and what is not acceptable.

No one wants to go off the rails, but what exactly are emotionally abusive behaviors?

First, all are contrary to acting in our most mature self. Both men and women, both the unfaithful and the betrayed, can use one or many of these behaviors as a way to cope with their emotions. Notice as we go through them. Have you ever seen or noticed anyone in your life, including yourself, past or present, do any of these?

1. Belittling. Belittling is a form of contempt for one's mate where they literally start to see them with contempt and disgust. As the term suggests, through words, actions, and attitude, the abusive partner sends the message "be little." It is ultimately an extreme form of pride that gives the message, "I am better than you." Chances are if you feel inferior, stupid, shamed or childlike, you could be experiencing this form of abuse from someone who clearly feels superior to you. It is one spouse feeling their partner is beneath them. Telling someone "How could you be so stupid?" is also a form of this type of harm. Belittling is abuse.


2. Controlling. This one is tricky. At first, many people I've supported have had to do some work in their family of origin to see if either of their parents modeled control for them. No matter what it looks like, exactly, control is still control. It involves objectifying and dehumanizing one's partner. it can be a coverup of extreme insecurity, jealousy, or anxiety about their time, possessions, or relationships. Control usually looks like one mate having all access to finances or one mate constantly checking up on the other to monitor, suggest, or give "input" as to how one lives their life. You typically know controlling behaviors are present when one mate starts to fear the repercussions or fallout if they live, speak, or act out in a way that their mate would not like.


3. Constant criticism or put downs. This form of emotional abuse can fall into a pretty broad spectrum from minor to severe. I say this because I think all of us can tend to be critical when we are under stress or we feel underappreciated. Sometimes, we set boundaries in our life that will protect us from not feeling so used up or burned out, but when times are stressful, we can be unkind to those closest to us. However, notice the word "constant" in the description. Criticism is a cousin of belittling. Chronic criticism is a problem. If there is a frequent pattern of pointing out flaws, it can be extremely destructive to our relationships.


4. Excessive blaming. Have ever been around someone that seems to never do or say anything that is their fault? Not only is this behavior exhausting and predictable, but it can also become a pattern. Blaming others constantly, particularly a mate, can be a form of emotional abuse. For example, if every accident, from the dog running away to the lights being left on to burning dinner seem to consistently be traced back to one mate's lack of competence, there might be a pattern of excessive blaming. What's really happening is that someone who excessively blames their mate has made their mate too big and important in their world. And if you feel you are at the mercy of a spouse that is excessively is blaming you, take heart. Adopt the attitude of: "I am no one's solution nor am I anyone's biggest problem."


5. Name calling. Name calling is exactly what it sounds like. It is never loving or okay to call someone a derogatory name. It not only hurts the person you are labeling but it also dehumanizes them. It reduces your mate to a simplistic label that is both insulting and damaging. Most commonly, we want to reduce women to the B (that rhymes with stitch) word and men to the A (another word for donkey combined with the word hole) word. Remember that all humans are just that — human. We can behave in a certain way but to call someone names is to back someone into a corner. If you have been called names, please know you will have to work really hard to find your voice and understand those labels are not an accurate description of you! And if you are the one doing the name calling, regardless of what the other person has done, you are reducing yourself to a form of protection that is unloving toward your mate.


6. Coercing and threatening. Coercing is a way to manipulate your spouse into doing what you want by using threats, whether subtle or not at all subtle. It is selfish, destructive, and a really ineffective and immature way to control others. You know you are experiencing the abuse of coercion when you feel a loss of ownership over your time, body, or experiences. Statements like, "If you leave me, I am going to....(fill in the blank)." or "If you don't do this, I will...(fill in the blank)." are abusive and never okay.


7. Withholding or abandoning. This is an outright and deliberate refusal to communicate for the purpose of hurting or showing spite to the other person. This is anti-relationship and does so much harm to a partner because it robs them of their voice. When one partner is deliberate in their refusal to communicate because they believe the other person does not deserve it, this is a form of abandonment. When one mate deliberately withholds time, money, information, or attention, there is likely abuse. Note: this is not the same as one partner being silent in their hurt or shutting down because of trauma or pain. The key here is an underpinning of deliberation and tends to be used liberally once it has been successful in bringing the intended harm. With all patterns of abusive behavior, it has the motive of "I deserve and you don't."

With all forms of emotional abuse, it is helpful to identify the behaviors in your relationship. It is also helpful to seek support from a trusted counselor or therapist or small group that can help you validate what you might be experiencing.

Please know at Affair Recovery, we are committed in every way to helping individuals restore their lives after the crisis of infidelity and addiction to extraordinary meaning.

One of the best things you can do for yourself is find a group of supportive individuals who are walking the same road and working toward the same goal: HEALING. You can find that in Harboring Hope, our online course for betrayed spouses and Hope for Healing, our online course for wayward spouses. Our programs draw their greatest power from the strength of small group support, because those who are currently in the same circumstances truly understand. By providing support, as well as receiving it, couples and individuals get new insight, perspective, and wisdom.