Q&A How Do I Manage Myself?

I am a betrayed spouse and my husband is repentant and claims radical change after 2 sexual and emotional affairs over an 8 year period. We have been together 15 years. I discovered his last affair in 2017. I find myself not being able to believe him when he says that this is it. He is now 100% committed and shows me he is in many ways. The problem is I spin out regularly into bouts of rage and verbal abuse. I go back over obsessively the evidence in the agendas trying to force him to tell the truth that at those times I am convinced he is still manipulating. I have become the problem and the one whose mental and emotional instability is disrupting our recovery. We live in a country without therapeutic support. I do not know what to do. He is the only person I am turning to for support and I know this is not helping. I spent the last 2 years pulling the wool out from over his eyes - he claims a deep awakening but I am still suffering from unpredictable and violent trauma triggering that happens without warning.