My husband and best friend after 25 mostly happy years suddenly wanted a divorce. I attributed it to mid-life crisis. Although he got his divorce I firmly believed that one day he would wake up and return. Four years after finalization he did. But D-day was devastating; not only did I learn that there had been porn use throughout our marriage but he left to fulfill his fantasies. He's done so many detestable things with many partners. He wants reconciliation and part of me does too. I feel like the betrayed wife even though I wasn't his wife at the time. People have asked "what's the big deal? He was free to do what he wanted "Part of me invalidates my feelings because it doesn't fit the "affair" definition. How do I process this?