Q&A His Affair Partner is Toxic. Why Won't He Let Her Go?

Submitted by Rick_Reynolds Tue, 10/18/2016 - 11:44

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Question: 

My husband has been unfaithful on/off/on/off again for fifteen years with the same person. Without going into all the history, I had this discussion with my husband tonight and asked him if his AP called and needed his advice, help or whatever, would he listen and talk to her. This has happened repeatedly in the past. Anyway, he truthfully said he would talk to her. He said that he feels somewhat responsible for her! After going through EMS, I thought he understood that there was to be "No Contact"! Why can't some people let go of people who have been toxic in their life? He wants our marriage to work. He does not want a relationship with her. He does have problems with letting go of anyone, i.e. who has used /hurt him in the past. Why does he have trouble letting go of toxic people? Especially with her, when he knows the heartache it causes me? How can I ever feel secure in the relationship?

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Won’t let go of toxic partner

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Sorry you are experiencing this. My thoughts:
1. His childhood; does he have cause to have abandonment issues in finality of letting someone he thinks he “ may” need to fall back on should you leave him.
2. He has self esteem issues in not being able to set boundaries and wanting others approval and making him feel important
3. He is using his “ need to help her” as an excuse.
I d set hard boundaries, consequences and make them stick. 3 in a relationship doesn’t make for happiness, especially when it’s not consensual.

Won’t let go of toxic partner

Submitted by [name hidden] on

Sorry you are experiencing this. My thoughts:
1. His childhood; does he have cause to have abandonment issues in finality of letting someone he thinks he “ may” need to fall back on should you leave him.
2. He has self esteem issues in not being able to set boundaries and wanting others approval and making him feel important
3. He is using his “ need to help her” as an excuse.
I d set hard boundaries, consequences and make them stick. 3 in a relationship doesn’t make for happiness, especially when it’s not consensual.

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas