We are almost two years into recovery. I am finally feeling like I can see us realistically staying together. My trauma, rage, feeling trapped and indifference has been a huge hindrance on our recovery. After d-day I hated him and also felt trapped by the life and family we have built. What were once the biggest joys in my life were now a noose. I made no hesitation to let him know how I felt about him and what an utter disappointment and loser I thought he was. Even as things improved and he worked on himself (with me on the sidelines then EMS weekend at one year) my hurts trumped all positives he has done. Slowly I have pretended normal or should I say practice normal, because it doesn’t come natural to me anymore but I am trying to come from a genuine place. If I allow to much vulnerability or things are too good, something in me recoils. In those times I have treated him very coldly and made sure to remind him of what he did. I didn’t care how he felt but now I do. When things go badly, this causes me to doubt in the good outcome. The thing that is hurting so badly now is I want to feel these overwhelming feelings for him and be comfortable with them, but I don’t. The infidelities still hurt. He expresses so much love for me and shows it and I just don’t feel that. Sex isn’t intimate to me anymore. It’s a physical act. I have so many walls up. I say I love you, but question if I do. Shouldn’t I feel something deep? I mean I don’t hate him anymore but I’m not sure what this place is that I’m in.