Our fifth marriage therapist had us stop using absolutes 3-1/2 years ago, but my unfaithful wife does not believe she should stop and says my use does not affect her. I self-reflected and recognized my use of absolutes negatively affected her so I stopped. She doubled down and continued their use, diminishing the work I do in the relationship and on myself. Hearing I 100% always (bad) or never (bad) do something has significantly poisoned my efforts to work on the relationship. For example, she believes “you do not give me grace” has the exact same meaning as “you never give me grace” (100% of the time for the 20+ years we have been together, I have not one time given her grace). She shows contempt, criticism, and defensiveness towards professionals and others I research like Affair Recovery, Gottman, etc. stating they use absolutes, it must not be a big deal as I make it to be. Her therapist told her absolutes are not good, but not bad, so she went with that thinking, rationalizing how she chooses to use them and their frequency (frequent usage helped destroy relationship). She argues my “intense focus” on the use of the absolutes as the problem, not that she uses absolutes to invalidate and abuse.