Q&A How Do We Work Together after Relapse?

We are 1 yr, 3 months out from his relapse. However I feel like my husband has this perception that everything related to my reminders of the affair are just a distant memory and shouldn't be affecting me as much as they used too. While this is true, there are some memories that really hurt. I usually go back and forth, whether I should tell my husband how I'm struggling or battle forward alone... Often I opt not too, but my self soothing only does so much for the "doozies" of my memories and eventually the steam BURSTS out of me in a way completely unrelated to the memory. He often responds with what I'm doing wrong in my approach and had I done x, y or z, he would respond more appropriately/lovingly. But because I couldn't control how I approached him, he won't be vulnerable and attentive. This makes me feel abandoned. Like I can't get it right. Like he won't be there for me during the hard times unless I say it perfectly or how "he" would approach it. This makes me enraged and I completely lash out, saying terrible things to make him feel the level of pain I'm feeling in my rejected state. Of course I get shamed for that too. He'll sometimes add in,"well, I'm hurt too, when do I get a chance to talk?!" now hijacking my pain, neglect, and making me feel more abandoned and resentful. Thank you for your support