Q&A Is This a Psychological Behavior You Have Seen Before?

I am the wayward spouse. I was involved in a 18 month long affair and I don’t want to go into to much detail as I only have 250 words. The affair partner was a very manipulative woman even resorting to blackmail. Those 18 months and the 6 months since discovery have been by far the most miserable and painful 2 years of my life. I have been trying to convey this to my wife with varying success, understandably she struggles with how could I be so reckless with our lives and gamble with our future. I try to explain the psychological impact the affair had. Firstly I would put so much effort into making sure my wife wouldn’t find out I wouldn’t give much thought to the consequences of her finding out. Secondly when I would think about her finding out it was to horrible to comprehend so subconsciously it was like I would disassociate with the consequences or detach myself from the reality of my actions. I have real difficulty explaining this to my wife or my wife has difficulty understanding it. Is this a psychological behavior you have seen before? This is a big stumbling block for us, it’s a big issue forming part of the bigger question of how could you?