Enter "Limerence"

Have you ever uttered such words or known someone who fits this description? If so, then you witnessed the impact of what Dorothy Tennov refers to as "Limerence." Do you believe what’s expressed above is love, or is it obsession?

Failure to understand the difference might cause the loss of what you hold dear.

Dorothy Tennov coined the term "Limerence" in her 1979 book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. The term was used to describe a condition she had witnessed in her interviews with over 500 people on the topic of love in the mid-1960s. Tennov described limerence as an intense romantic desire. It’s a form of "crazy love" that consumes the thought life of those so stricken. Today that same condition is frequently considered to be a form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), but in the world of mental health a diagnostic code for "crazy love" has yet to be assigned. Perhaps that is due to the different states of love.

Limerence isn’t a new concept, its dangerous power has been made known though the ages by authors such as Johann Wolfgang von Goethe in his novel The Sorrows of Young Werther² and by countless eerie "love" songs such as "Addicted" By Kelly Clarkson:

Limerence is an intense form of romantic love characterized by an emotional attachment or even an obsession with another person, which usually is involuntary, and which contains a strong desire for the reciprocation of those feelings. According to Tennov, the romantic attachment is such that the emotional state of the limerent (the person who is in limerence) is dependent on how the relationship is fairing. If the other party returns their love and affection then they are euphoric, but that feeling is balanced out by the dread of losing the relationship. If they feel the other person doesn’t return their "love" or if they feel the other party is moving away from them they can become despondent, depressed and even suicidal. At any given moment the state of their emotional well-being is dependent on how the object of their affection responds or whether life’s circumstances support or block their relationship.

According to Helen Fisher, PhD, in Anatomy of Love, increased levels of norepinephrine and dopamine in the pleasure center of the brain drive the passion of limerence, and since lust is involved there are also increased levels of testosterone. After about two years a couple will move into the attachment stage, where you see an increase of vasopressin and oxytocin, and the other hormones return to normal. Most couples in attached relationships have less sex than those in the infatuation stage. The phrase "addicted to love" applies to women and men who crave the excitement (and the sexual activity) of infatuation, floating from one intense affair to the next, leaving a pile of heartbroken, attachment-seeking partners in their wake.⁴

Being rebuffed by the other person or having the relationship impeded by external forces only makes matters worse. Unfulfilled desire requires the dopamine center to work harder to produce rewards, over-stressing the brain’s ability to maintain equilibrium. This is often the condition that then triggers the obsessive component of limerence.

The Married Couple and Limerence

While the obsession created by limerence can be life altering for singles, it is life destroying for those who are married. It’s not even something they have to go out and look for; it’s a chemical reaction that typically is involuntary. The resulting surge in norepinephrine and dopamine will almost immediately eliminate what ails the limerent. Those I’ve worked with through the years report an almost immediate improvement of depressive statesand a new sense of feeling alive.

On those days where it feels the other person is moving toward them, the sky is bluer, the birds sing sweeter, the air seems fresher. If it seems for whatever reason things may not work out they can begin to feel more despair than they’ve ever known. For them and to them, it’s obvious their marriage is blocking them from what they need to be truly happy and fulfilled. It’s suddenly apparent that you’ve married the wrong person. Conviction and commitment tell you have no choice, you have to stay together for the kids and because of your beliefs about marriage, but you know you’ll never again feel happy in your marriage.

Over time it becomes easier to morally justify the relationship. Your happiness, possibly even your sanity, is tied to the other person and you can’t conceive continuing to live in the despair that you feel in your marriage. Your relational air supply is now tied to one outside your marriage and you know you’ll suffocate if you can’t continue seeing the other person. Even if you decide to end the relationship out of guilt and conviction, the desire you once felt for your mate has vanished and you can’t conceive of ever again having interest in your mate.

Love vs. Limerence

Before throwing away all you once held dear, would you like to know if what you’re experiencing is real or if it is the chemical state of limerence? Here are a few ways to tell the difference.

1. Love acts in the best interest of another person. Limerence acts in your own self-interest. You know you can never be happy unless you get to be with this particular individual, no matter the cost to others.
2. Love is a choice, not just a feeling. Even Jesus taught, "If you love someone who reciprocates and makes you feel good about yourself, what’s the big deal? But loving someone who is difficult to love is love divine."⁵ Limerence has no choice. Looking back over my own limerent state, something that disturbs me was my lack of choice. I wasn’t in control. I was being controlled by feelings stronger than I had ever imagined possible. Obsession isn’t love.
3. Love consists of honesty and is willing to be realistic. Limerence is narcissistic by nature. According to Greek Mythology, Narcissus was the object of desire for Echo. Instead of responding he rebuffed her, telling her to leave him alone. She was heartbroken and spent the rest of her life roaming lonely hollows until nothing but an echo sound remained of her. Nemesis, the goddess of revenge, decided to punish Narcissus. She lured him to a pool where he saw his own reflection. He didn't realize it was only an image and fell in love with it. Notice Narcissus didn’t fall in love with himself, but with his own image. He reached out to his beloved, but the second his hand touched the water the image was distorted. He quickly withdrew his hand, but now there was no way for him to get the substance he so badly needed. Eventually he died at the side of the pool yearning for that which he loved. For the married limerent, it is much the same. The importance of the relationship is such that taking an honest look at themselves or the relationship disturbs the image and prevents them from getting what they so desperately need. Another aspect of limerence is what is called crystallization. The obsession of limerence robs you of your perspective and renders you incapable of properly weighing the negatives of your affair partner. You may be able to see the negatives, but in a limerent state those negatives are seen as strengths or assets. It’s not until the limerent state wears off that perspective is gained. Limerence is blind. To maintain the image of the relationship you have to ignore the obvious and desperately cling to how you want it to be.
4. Love isn’t proud, but humble. At the most basic level humility is about trust. It’s about an ability to trust others with who you are. Thomas Merton said that humility consists of being "precisely the person you actually are before God." Love consists of a willingness to be intimate with who you are and what you’ve done.Limerence is rooted in shame. It is based on fear that you won’t get what you want and that others may see you as you really are.
5. Love is about mutuality in relationships, about give and take. Limerence is about an infatuation with someone other than your mate. It leaves your mate in the dark with no clue to what is driving you.
6. Love involves healthy sexual closeness and physical intimacy with your partner. Limerence is intially focused on attracting the affair partner’s attention and nothing more. The longing for the sexual connection within the limerent relationship is initially hidden to avoid pushing the other person away. Over time the sexual longing overcomes the will power of the one in the limerent state.
7. Love is compassionate and caring to all those in your life. It is others-centered. Limerence is self-deceived and self-centered. One of my daughters was a Commercial Music Performance major at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. Only problem was she was she had severe performance anxiety. Her voice teacher was the one who cured her. Minutes before her recital her teacher pulled her aside and told her, "You are the most self-centered little diva I’ve ever worked with. All you ever think about is what others will think about you, instead of being worried about the message God has given you to deliver to others. Here’s the truth, if you are focused on what others think about you, you’re still only thinking about yourself, which makes you 100% totally self-centered. Now quit worrying about what others are thinking and get to the business for which you’ve been called."
8. Love is about a healthy sexual relationship that is mutually satisfying. Limerence is manipulative, trying to get the other person to respond to you, while rebuffing your mate’s kindness and advances because now all that holds value to you is the attention of someone with whom you’ve become obsessed.

Before making any permanent decisions about the fate of your marriage, have the courage to look at yourself. Do the work necessary to understand your personal contributions to this mess. Seek to understand your mate rather than trying to get you mate to understand you. You’ll be amazed at what being concerned for others can do for how you feel about yourself.

If you’re in need of an ‘infidelity-specific’ approach, I’d highly encourage you to consider our EMS Online course. It’s a safe place for both spouses to heal and not only discover a way out of Limerance, but a way out of the darkness of hopelessness and despair.

1. Tennov, Dorothy. Love and Limerence. Kindle Edition: Rowman & Littlefield, 1998.
2. Goethe, Wolfgang von.The Sorrows of Young Werther. New York: Signet Books, 1774. Print.
3. Clarkson, Kelly. Addicted. RCA, 2004. MP3.
4. Fisher, Helen.Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray. New York: Ballantine Books, 1994.
5. The New International Version Bible. New York: Oxford University Press, 2009. Print. (author’s paraphrase)