Understanding Why Your Spouse Cheated

A couple of years ago Steph and I went canoeing with friends on the Guadalupe River. This was the perfect spring day. Wildflowers streaked the banks in a kaleidoscope of colors and spring showers had the river running high. We stopped for lunch on a grassy bank and soaked in the beauty. All agreed it didn't get any better than this. Or so we thought.

The next day my skin began to break out. Not just a little, but a lot. I've known for years that I'm deathly allergic to poison ivy which is why I normally spot the stuff at 100 yards, but on that day I missed it. I had it all over and that's no exaggeration. I never knew a man could itch so much. I knew the worst thing I could do was scratch off my top layer of skin, but there wasn't enough willpower in the world to keep me from scratching and spreading the stuff. Eventually, I ended up in the hospital with anaphylactic shock. I'm grateful for steroids.

Now, before you start feeling sorry for me, I'll confess, my allergy to poison ivy has been one of my greatest blessings. I get to witness far more of God's creation than most. My condition causes me to be more highly observant and present than most people when I'm in nature. I see more, I enjoy more, I'm aware of more. Without the gift of my poison ivy allergy I would never have experienced as much beauty, because I would have never been as present and aware.

At times, I may envy my son who doesn't have to be aware of certain plants when he's romping in nature, but I guarantee he only sees a small fraction of what I get to witness as I walk through the woods. In many ways, my poison ivy has become a gift not a curse.
I was reminded of my misery last week when a woman was complaining about her husband's anger two years after ground zero. He just couldn't understand why, when she knew it was wrong and when she even claimed she didn't want to do it, she still carried on with her affair.

He's not alone. I can't tell you how many unfaithful partners have asked the same question. They didn't want to do it, and yet, they still ended up doing something they didn't want. Not only that, they felt there was no way this could ever happen again, because they had no hint of a desire to do it again.

Let me begin by saying, "ALL AFFAIRS ARE NOT THE SAME". This newsletter does not apply to all people, but it does apply to those who continue to do what they don't want to do.

For those who don't have addictive natures, it's difficult to understand the insanity associated with their mate's behavior. In their world, if they don't want to do something, they simply choose not to do it. For the addict, however, it's not that simple. Addictions are far more like "Poison Ivy". It's more like an itch that has to be scratched. Not everyone has this insane reaction to circumstances or substances as the addict. The difference is in the intensity of the urge.

Imagine you, like me, have an intense rash brought about by an allergic reaction; maybe you can understand how difficult it is not to scratch when that urge is intensely persistent. Now, before I go any further, I want to be clear that just because someone has that intense urge, that's no excuse to act out. Alcoholics say that one drink is too many and twenty isn't enough. It's the same for those who have sexual or relationship addictions. The point of choice is whether or not you pick up the first drink. Once the reaction is set into motion there's a reaction that makes things difficult indeed.

Relapse prevention isn't a matter of deciding "I'll never do it again". Instead, it's far more like staying out of the "Poison Ivy". Rarely do I meet a person who intended to cheat on the day they got married. For most, they never imagined they could be unfaithful to their mate. They had no idea that if they were exposed to certain situations they'd develop an itch that demanded to be scratched. If you've already committed to be faithful and then wound up being unfaithful, then the simple commitment not to do it again isn't sufficient. If you've ever done something you don't want to do, you need to accept that your capable of doing something you don't want to do.

I know that I'm deathly allergic to poison ivy. Having accepted that fact, I make sure I avoid all contact with that plant. I live in a way that keeps me safe. I know for certain if I spend time in an environment where that plant exists, eventually I'll break out in a rash. Once I break out in a rash, I no longer control what's going to happen. All I can do at that point is try and treat the symptoms. My son, on the other hand, could spend the night rolling in poison ivy and have no ill effects. His immunity allows him freedoms I can't afford to have. My only point of control is making sure I don't get in it in the first place. Acceptance of my allergy does, however, provide me a way to protect myself. I'm not normal, but I am blessed, because it's also brought me disciplines that allow me to live an even fuller life.

It's this same way for those who have fallen. It's not only the hurt spouse that has trouble accepting the reality that their mate can't just stop. Even more dangerous is the unfaithful mate who once again believes they would never do that. Both need to come to accept the condition and to learn to see the blessing that condition brings. For me, my addictions have forced me to be far more consciously aware of God, others, and life. It's the very thing that's taught me about love and relationships.

The only way to assure safety is acceptance. If those who have been unfaithful can swallow their pride, release their shame, and accept how they are and how they naturally respond, then they can protect those they love by doing whatever is necessary to avoid trouble. At the same time, they will experience far more of what this life has to offer.