When responding to an affair, two wrongs never make a right. It's tempting, but by doing this, a betrayed spouse will wound themselves even further.

As C.S. Lewis says in The Four Loves:

To love is to risk. It's a reality all of us have experienced in one form or another. The pain is especially intense if we're betrayed by the one who has vowed to be there for us in sickness and in health and in richer or poorer. As human beings, we need attachment in the same way we need air or water. Without these commodities, survival is impossible. If we're deprived of human contact long enough, we will eventually go insane and die. We long for that special one who truly cares for us, the one who will be there for us and come when we call.

But at times, in moments of selfishness, we can make terrible mistakes and betray those we promised to protect. For the betrayed partner, the pain can be unbearable. It's a pain like no other because it hits at the fundamental core of our identity.

So How Should You Respond?

As a therapist, I hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly and everything else in between. This particular week has been painful as I've watched good people react to their pain in ways that are extremely destructive. Here are just a few examples of the situations that I've been working with lately:

• One person violated their own values by having a revenge affair in hopes of making their mate feel their pain.
• Another person used their children as a bargaining chip to get their mate to acquiesce to their demands.
• Another person told everyone about their mate's affair in an attempt to embarrass their mate.
• Another person told their children what a rotten human their mom was because of how she cheated on them and that if she really loved them, she wouldn't have had the affair.

And the list goes on.

There is no doubt that betrayal creates a pain like no other, and it's predictable that we would react out of that wretched pain, but two wrongs never make a right. Vengeance will never bring healing; it only brings further damage to the relational bond. It can never change the past and it can only cloud the future.

Some believe the lie that making the other person pay will make it better, help them feel vindicated, make things more fair, or fill the hole in their heart. It inevitably leaves them with nothing but feelings of self-contempt, pain, and anger as they deal with the surfacing of their own dark side.

Finding Authentic Peace

If your partner isn't safe, then move on. It's not worth the pain you'll inflict on yourself and others to extract justice. If your partner wants to move on, let them go. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't have the good taste to be with you. Ultimately, peace will only be found in forgiving them for their betrayal.

Remember, forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. The last thing you want to do is walk around angry all the time, despising both your existences! Spending the rest of your life focused on making someone else pay for what your mate has done to you is a miserable way to live. Our most precious commodity on this earth is time, and I can think of much better ways to use my time than holding onto a grudge.

Now, I'm sure some of you are wondering if I'm saying to either move on or forgive and stay regardless of what the other party has done. I don't know your situation, and I'm not advocating for either of those positions. I'm just saying that two wrongs don't make a right. If your mate is a jerk, then don't go down to their level and act in the same way. If it's awful for them to act that way, it's going to be equally awful if you act in the same manner.

If reconciliation is your goal, or if you are open to it, I can promise that treating your mate with undeserved respect has far more impact than doling out pain in equal measure. If someone hurts you, and you respond in love, at the very least, it causes the other party to examine their own failure, leaving you one up in the power structure of the relationship.

Whether you have been betrayed or are the wayward mate, one of the best things you can do for yourself is find a group of supportive individuals who are walking the same road and are working toward the same goal: healing. You will find that kind of support and hope in Harboring Hope, our online course for betrayed spouses, or Hope for Healing, our online course for wayward spouses. The greatest advantage of our programs is that they draw from the power of small group support, because those who are currently in the same circumstances truly understand. By providing support, as well as receiving it, couples and individuals get new insight, perspective, and wisdom.