Pier Name: PierLocation: VirginiaOccupation: Technical Service ManagerSpouse Testimonial: Read Amanda's Story HereChildren: one, 22 month old boyDiscovery Date: January 2010Story: My affairs involve three affair partners, online chat and sex, pornography and compulsive masturbation. It started with Josephine, a girl I dated in 2003 while in Philippines for work. We had occasional cybersex for a while after I came back but then lost contact. Between 2005 and 2006 I met Debora through a friend of a friend. Then, I met my wife Amanda in April 2006, during a tradeshow in Chicago. She was married, but we liked each other and kept in touch via email. In August 2006, my job transferred me to the United States from Italy. Amanda filed for divorce, and we started dating; but about the same time Debora contacted me online, and we started chatting. About a month later I was back in Italy for a business meeting and saw Debora twice. The first time we kissed, and a day later we had sex. I called Amanda and told her part of the story, and got a promise from my affair partner to keep the rest of the story a secret. After I got back to Chicago, I reconciled with Amanda and ended all communication with my affair partner. At the end of that year, I was back in Italy for four months, and during that time my affair partner tried to have cybersex with me once and tried to convince me to see her again. I didn't see her, but I didn't cut off all communication with her either. I was afraid she would tell someone about us having sex a few months earlier, and I felt responsible for her emotional struggles with her boyfriend. Amanda and I rented an apartment together in May 2007. That fall, my affair partner contacted me again. Driven by the same sense of debt, and later blackmail, I went from chatting with her to having cybersex. At this point Amanda started to sense that I was hiding something. In November, I was in Italy for a business meeting, and I went to see my affair partner and masturbated in front of her. Three months later, my affair partner tells me she loves me, and I feel obligated to reciprocate. In March, I go to Italy with Amanda. This time, I have sex with Debora while Amanda is in town shopping. In April I propose to Amanda. In June, I’m In Italy again, but this time I am alone. I see my affair partner and masturbate in front of her in her car. A few days later, Amanda joins me in Italy to plan our wedding. Between each trip to Italy, my affair partner and I continue to have cybersex frequently. I would set dates to end the affair in an effort to stop the madness, but the sense of debt to my affair partner and the blackmail made me feel stuck. In the fall of 2008 Josephine found me on Facebook. I believed I could manage it, so I didn't tell my wife. However, I ended up starting another affair by having occasional cybersex with her. I did not have a physical relationship with the third woman, but I went to dinner with her while I was in New York for business and exchanged several text messages with her. The relationship was inappropriate and secret. In June 2009, my wife was pregnant with our son. I went to Italy for a meeting and saw Debora twice. The first night I masturbated in front of her, and a day later we had unprotected sex. Eventually she start pushing me to leave my wife and son and move back to Italy to be with her. I told her I loved my wife and wanted to stay in the United States, so she offered to transfer to Florida so I could live with her and still see my son. I try to buy some time because I knew she was dating another guy in Italy, but I was treating my wife terribly and refusing physical contact. The idea of being open with her seemed unbearable. My affair partner sent me a text in the middle of the night saying that she wanted to see me while I was with my family in Italy. The ring woke up my wife who read the text first. The text was signed “Debora” and the sender was saved on my phone, so it could have not possibly been an accident that I got it. Although I tried to cover it all up, when we got back to the United States, Amanda searched my computer and found years worth of emails I had exchanged with my affair partner. I still refused to confess the physical relationship. It took me four months and a polygraph test to actually confess the whole story.Struggle: Before everything came out, it felt like a cancer growing inside me eating everything alive. I gained weight, lost my joy and sense of humor, became an angry and intolerant person, stopped taking care of myself or taking showers, isolated from most social events, spent lots of time on the internet, and smoked. I also built a physical and emotional wall between me and my wife. She blamed herself and started working very hard on getting help in figuring her issues out thinking that that would get me back to her, although eventually she gave up. After my affairs came up, I could not believe how much devastation they created. The stress created was so high that I have lost almost thirty pounds because of the tension and the instability. The list for me is nothing compared to what my affairs cost my wife. She spent over a year working through the emotional devastation so that she could engage again with our son. Even though we're more than a year away from disclosure, little things can trigger my wife and cause her an emotional flood of pain. Before landing at AR, we went to Mark Laasar’s retreats and read many books about sexual addiction and infidelity, used a polygraph test, paid for the countless medical visits and prescriptions. It has cost us around $15,000. Eventually I lost my job because traveling was part of it I couldn't travel safely with my affair history. I ended up staying home taking care of our son, which is what wife wanted to do.Course of Action: I participated in EMS Weekend and EMS Online.Lessons Learned: My spouse is never my problem; my spouse reveals the problem in me. I would absolutely recommend getting in an Affair Recovery course. My wife found Rick and AR and immediately it was the right thing for us because he and his wife went through the same pain. When we started reading AR’s resources, I was still lying. However, reading Rick’s newsletters and articles opened my heart and helped me give up the madness. I realized I had no choice. I was scared and afraid, but this was the way to go. Being clean and honest was the only path to my own restoration and possibly a recovery for the woman and marriage I destroyed.Encouragement: To the unfaithful spouse I want to say hope is like a candle. If we cover it up, the flame has no oxygen and dies. Only if we let oxygen go in and set the candle free, will it have a chance of surviving. Nobody likes to live without oxygen, neither does our soul. We have the greatest opportunity to experience love at the highest level and learn how to love a greater levels. Our spouses deserve the right of making an informed decision. By being honest we take respect and honor back. To the hurt spouse, I want to say that I am deeply sorry for the pain you did not ask for. All is black and broken, and the disbelief is driving you mad and insane. With AR I’ve learned there is hope. No one should be left alone when past, present and future seem so unreal and uncertain. I know it’s not fair, but I promise it’s not forever. And the million unanswered questions spinning in your head right now may reveal opportunities that eventually will benefit your and others lives in unexpected ways.
