Even as a child I had an extreme curiosity about sex and about women’s bodies.  Then as I grew up, I was not really good at sports, or building things, or all those male things.  I was good at charming women.  Otherwise, I was not really good at social interaction either. I only felt like I was worth something, or that I was much of a man, or that I was connecting to other people when a woman desired me physically or emotionally.  I have also always had a lot of anxiety and not dealt with stress very well.  I discovered that sex would mask my anxiety, at least for a time.  At the same time, I was religious and didn’t want to be a hypocrite. As you can imagine, these competing thought processes led me into a cycle of sexual acting out, followed by shame and self-hatred, then attempts to repent and do better, then a buildup of anxiety and loneliness, and another round of sexual acting out.  When Christine and I got engaged I was in another repentance phase.  I was determined to remain faithful to God this time, and to be faithful to Christine once we were married.  I did not tell her of my struggles up to this point since I believed my sins would be erased as if it never happened. What was there to tell her?

Neither Christine nor I came from backgrounds that let us talk easily about things like feelings.  We both tended to bottle things up until we get angry and let it blow out.  Therefore, we hurt each other often.  We also started having children right away, while I was in college.  I went to chiropractic school, which was incredibly intense and Christine stayed home with the babies.  We didn’t have any money.  Needless to say, there was plenty of stress and loneliness again and I, of course, fell into some sexually acting out again in those early days of our marriage.  When that finally came to light it was traumatic to both of us and the marriage, but I went to therapy and was honest with Christine about all my issues.  We worked through the spiritual part, and I went to addiction recovery.  I finally admitted my powerlessness to control some of those behaviors.  I reorganized my life to avoid temptation as much as possible, like the alcoholic avoiding bars and liquor stores.  What I still did not get is that not only could I not manage my sexual behavior; I could not manage my life at all.  I still did know how to turn to God when I had anxiety or loneliness.  I also did not realize that while I could stop seeking temptation; that did not mean that temptation would not come to me. 

We went on for 15 years without my seriously acting out, but now we realize they were not 15 years as they should have been.  We still did not talk about our feelings well.  The sexual relationship in our marriage worked physically, but there was not really an emotional connection there.  While I didn’t act out, my thoughts were not always faithful.    When I was hurt or lonely in my marriage, I didn’t talk to Christine or God about it.  When I was stressed building a chiropractic practice from the ground up, I did not talk to Christine or God about it.  As the years went by, Christine went to nursing school and got a job.  My practice grew.  We finally had some money, but of course, as those financial stresses got better, that just brought new stresses.  Christine was much busier.  Now my practice not only needed to be grown, but was big enough that it needed to be managed.  The young children became teenagers, and everyone knows that is stress.  Again, I was not good about talking to Christine or God about these things.  I just tried to survive day to day on my own. 

Right at the end of 2009, a woman started care in my practice.  She always dressed up to come see me.  She always wanted me to check this and that, and to talk to me.  My staff actually warned me that she was being too demanding and that I was spending too much time with her in treatment.  I started to schedule her outside of hours, during lunch or on days we didn’t see patients so that I could give her the time “she needed.”  We said inappropriate things to each other at the office.  By April, we began to meet outside the office and began having a full blown affair.  My feelings were very mixed throughout all this.  I was terrified from that first time that things got inappropriate at the office that I was going to lose my license to practice and that Christine was going to leave me.  I was devastated and ashamed that I relapsed and let these demons from 15 years ago back into my life.  However, instead of asking for help before I got into it deeper, I tried to take care of it myself. 

In the beginning, I wanted to get out of the situation without making her feel like any big deal had happened or without making her angry because I didn’t want her or her husband reporting what had happened.   That thinking just got me into it deeper.  The deeper I went into the affair, the more shame and fear I felt.  At the same time, I felt like this woman wanted me and admired me in a way that I had not felt from Christine in a very long time.  That was very exciting and flattering to me.  In fact, that excitement and flattery was the only thing I experienced that would cover over the shame and the fear that I was also feeling.  When I was with her, I could believe the lie that this was going to work out okay, that I could actually manage this juggling act.