"No problem can be solved by the same consciousness by which it was created."
- Einstein

If we ever hope to escape the quandary we've created through our "best" thinking, we need to discover new ways of seeing. However, the isolation created by our shame inhibits opportunities to find the help we need. Once again, cognitive distortions keep us trapped, e.g., "We have to find a therapist that can meet us on Thursday at 9:00 pm, or we can't do anything."

Gaining a new and healthy perspective requires the right external input, an openness to hear the experiences of others who are also in crisis, and a willingness to share your own. It requires faith in the advice given by experts who have personally experienced the very same trauma.

Until you can see that it has worked for others, why try? You'll think, "How could I possibly survive an affair?"

It requires courage. Abandoning our old ways of thinking and seeing-especially when you're in the middle of one of life's biggest crises-isn't easy.

My experience has shown that a "team approach" to recovering from infidelity not only expedites the process, but it also helps solidify long-term change. I understand this approach may seem intimidating and completely uncomfortable to many of you:

But I'm not kidding. Having others who were "like us," validated our experience and gave us hope.

Overcoming infidelity in marriage requires a supportive community. Without the encouragement and empathy provided by others who have already walked this journey, how could you sustain the journey?

It requires accountability; it requires safe people to talk to. When you grow weary on the road to change, who is going to care enough to check and see how you're doing?

Who wants to share their deepest fear and shame if they don't feel they'll be accepted or protected? It requires others who truly understand.

Finally, why would you share if you feel the other parties can't understand or aren't experiencing what you're going through?

Learn more about the power of small groups: https://www.affairrecovery.com/how-to-recover

If you don't know where you should be in the course of events and recovery-how do you know if you're off-pace or right where you should be? How do you know if what you're both feeling is to be expected?

A plan for recovery is necessary. Recovery from infidelity is not something you can easily fumble your way through. Recovery is hard even with a new perspective, a community of support, and a good plan and timeline in place - but please, don't limit other alternatives.

In AA they say, "It takes what it takes," and, until you're "sick and tired of being sick and tired," you're not ready to change. On the other hand, rock bottom is that place where you say "enough," and you give up your "all-or-nothing thinking" and become willing to try something new. I've said it many times-the goal has to be progress, not perfection.