Why Couples Fail After an Affair | Part 1 - Not Knowing What Happened

Rick Reynolds, LCSW
by Rick Reynolds, LCSW
Founder & President, Affair Recovery
Why Couples Fail After an Affair: A Four Part Series

Part 1: Not Knowing What Happened
Part 2: Not Getting It
Part 3: Denying Your Reality
Part 4: Failure to Grieve

How to Practically Obliterate Any Opportunity for Restoration

When a spouse is kept in the dark regarding the details of their spouse's affair, it's similar to feeling trapped in darkness, trying to find their way out. People naturally try to understand the events of their life. Until we are able to make sense of these events, a part of us continues trying to solve the mystery. If a spouse withholds information regarding their secret life, how long do you think someone who's been devastated by betrayal will spend trying to find the answer to their questions?

Solving this mystery is a key factor for success in re-establishing trust and surviving infidelity.

Without understanding what has happened, there is no way for the betrayed spouse to assess the level of damage and the probability of future success. Until the unfaithful spouse extends trust to their mate by sharing what happened, it is difficult for the betrayed spouse to rebuild trust. People are more than capable of getting over a betrayal, but continued deception leaves no path for trust and obliterates the opportunity for restoration.

Consider joining Hope for Healing where you'll find community for isolation and healing for shame —and that's just the beginning.

Learn More | Hope For Healing!

A Coherent Story: How To Calm Emotional 'Flooding'

A substantial difficulty for couples recovering from infidelity is the emotional flooding created by the trauma after an affair. Infidelity creates a pain like no other, and difficulty regulating the ensuing emotions is not only common but to be expected. Emotional regulation and stability are created through what is called a coherent story. Up until the point where "what has happened" makes sense to the betrayed spouse, emotions run rampant, confusion rules the day, and the heart of the betrayed remains frayed. Understanding what happened provides a safe foundation on which they can eventually begin to rebuild. (Please keep in mind, this step in the process takes a significant amount of time and cannot be rushed). Empathy from the unfaithful spouse (which we'll address in a moment) is necessary to encourage healing.

To move forward, couples need to come to a common understanding of their history. Regardless of the type of infidelity (e.g., emotional affair, one-night stand, pornography addiction, etc.), the story of what has happened needs to make sense to both husband and wife. As I work with couples who are stuck, not knowing what happened seems to be the number one culprit.

I appreciate the work done by the late Peggy Vaughan in her e-book Help for Therapists (and their Clients).

She hypothesized: A couple is more likely to stay married after an affair when they thoroughly discuss the whole situation.

55% of those who discussed the situation very little were still married (living together).

78% of those who discussed the situation a good bit were still married (and living together).

86% of those who discussed the situation a lot were still married (and living together).

She concluded that the amount the affair was discussed with the betrayed partner was significantly associated with present marital status.

A second hypothesis stated: A couple is more likely to stay married when the unfaithful spouse answers the questions of the betrayed spouse.

59% of those whose partner refused to answer questions were still married (and living together).

81% of those whose partner answered some of their questions were still married (and living together).

86% of those whose partners answered all their questions were still married (and living together).

She concluded that the extent to which the partner answered questions was significantly associated with present marital status. Understanding what occurred allows both parties to rally around solutions.

Combating Self-Deception

Not only does the hurt spouse have a need to know what happened, that need is just as great for those who were unfaithful. Speaking from personal experience, I can attest to the benefit I received from discussing the events of my infidelity. There is a strong tendency to be self-deceived when facing a side of ourselves that we'd rather keep in the dark. When we feel shame, we betray ourselves as well as others. Exposing what has happened has a unique way of providing clarity, not only for one's mate but also for those of us who've been unfaithful.

After my affair ended, I was not capable of thinking clearly and, consequently, I made many poor decisions. It wasn't just my mate discovering what happened; I also began to understand things I had not seen. Though it is a process, it was a necessary step in my own safety and healing journey.

When Is Enough Detail, Enough Detail?

At the same time, knowing what happened isn't the same as knowing every detail about everything that happened. Too much detail creates additional problems with intrusive thoughts. The betrayed partner might want to know what happened, where it happened, how often it happened, if there are potential health risks, and when it began and ended, and they have a right to this information. Questions comparing themselves to the affair partner, however, serve little or no benefit.

Comparison questions ultimately create intrusive thoughts and complicate the healing process. While it is enticing to ask these questions, too much information only creates more reminders and more triggers.

For those who want to help their mate feel safe and heal by sharing their story, here are some words of advice.

  • Begin by asking your mate if he or she wants to know. If the answer is yes, then tell them the story. I find that carefully telling the story from beginning to end is the best way to relay the information. Far too often, the story is told piecemeal, i.e., drip-feeding or trickle-truth, as the betrayed partner asks questions and the unfaithful partner tries to answer. This, unfortunately, starts the clock over every time new information is brought to the surface.
  • When you finish telling the story, please don't say, "That's everything." You're far better off realizing that you've told everything you remember at that moment, but there's always the possibility that other memories will come to mind and/or your mate may not have heard everything and will later be devastated if more information comes to light. Tell them that you're committed to honestly answering their questions and exploring what happened.
  • Oftentimes, in the disclosure process, an unfaithful partner will resort to, "I don't remember," when the truth is that they may not want to share the information as they are convinced that if the betrayed knows the details, they are done and gone. Other times, they genuinely may not remember the information and may need time and even help to remember what transpired. However, "I don't remember," is not the best answer—even when it’s truthful. A better answer may be, "I don't remember the exact information right now, but I'm committed to getting the right help and the right process in place so that I can remember the details. I also commit to sharing any and all information I do remember as we get immediate help to start this healing process."
  • Ask what author Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, calls Investigative Questions, especially if your mate says they can't remember. Not being able to remember certain answers won't prevent them from answering the questions below, and it will create the opportunity for the unfaithful spouse to share what they are feeling. You can read a full list of these questions here: Esther Perel's Investigative Questions for Couples Experiencing Infidelity. I've posted just a few below:
    1. What did the affair mean to you?
    2. Did you feel entitled to your affair?
    3. Why do you think you could not express your needs to me: emotional, intellectual or sexual?
    4. Did you ever get to a point where you felt you were losing yourself or felt torn and confused?
    5. Did you ever worry that your affair would destroy our relationship?
    6. What was it like for you to lie?
    7. Do you think I have a say in it?
    8. Did you want to leave me or was the affair just an addition to us?

A word of caution, the WHY will be much more difficult for both of you than the WHAT. Therefore, we've written a series called Why Did They Cheat?. As you are working through why the infidelity happened, it is important to remember the necessity of safety in the recovery process. For the betrayed party to feel safe, there must be signs of genuine empathy. Without truly working to understand the depth of your mate's pain, all attempts at reconnecting will appear hollow or self-serving.

Rebuilding trust after such a heavy blow will never be easy, but the good news is you don't have to have trust to rebuild a relationship. In the meantime, you can replace trust with a whole lot of honesty and a whole lot of empathy.

Unfaithful partners, these two gestures will go further than you may realize to soothe the deep soul-wound that infidelity has inflicted on your mate. If you are not sure where to start or how to develop empathy, please consider joining a group in Hope for Healing, our course for unfaithful partners. You'll be in a safe, encouraging atmosphere with a group leader and several other unfaithful partners who will walk the 17-week journey with you. There is hope for healing!

  1. Vaughan, Peggy. Help for Therapist and their Clients: Report of Survey on Extramarital Affairs. Dear Peggy. n.d. Web. 07 July 2014.

What type of affair was it?

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What to read next

Mistakes Families Make After an Affair
The Story that Started Affair Recovery
How to Not Make Things Worse: Stonewalling
Lies We Believe About Our Spouse
The Myth of Greener Grass in Marriage

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I would highly recommend giving this a try.
 
-D, Texas
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Submitted by Patti on 7 years 7 months

I found out 4 months ago that in 2015 my husband of 21 years (25 together) and a friend were having a sexting relationship.(Very inappropriate sexual videos and messages sent to him and to her taken in my house). She had moved to Texas in Aug 2014 but they were texting before she moved and all through out the year. He says they were friends beforehand (we were all friends) and confided in each other. She said she envied my life with him and pursued him and let the lines blur. She lived next door to us before she moved. Somewhere in July or August 2015 the sexting started while she lived in Texas (according to them both as he deleted google where i found all info). She came for a visit in 8/2015 and stayed at my house 2 of the 5 days she was here the other days she was next door at her moms. She was sexting him while at my house pretending to be my friend, while trying to sleep with my husband. It did not get physical according to them both) In Sept 2017 she moved back to her moms next door and literally became my best friend, we spent almost everyday together. They hid this from me. They both say it was not rekindled but i am pissed she could come into my house and act as if she hadn't wronged me that takes a really sick person to do this. That he would allow that, he says he didn't want to but i had immediately connected with her new baby, which was true and he was desperate for me not to know because he didnt want me to leave him. I am such a fool. She spent holidays with us before and after she moved, i hosted her daughters 2nd birthday, she stayed at my house while we took our son to college. I have to be reminded of her every time i pull up and walk to my house because she lives next door and he made videos of himself in my house, its like it is tainted and toxic for me now and i feel like a prisoner here, humiliated to be outside and jilted to be inside.. There are other things, porn, massages and websites. I am so devastated, I keep asking the repeating questions trying to wrap my head around this person who says they love me but devastated me to the core. I am the need to know person and am upset its trickling out. I deserve the truth and i am tired of i cant remember... He is remorseful and sickened my what he has done to me and seeing me in pain is devastating to him we are seeking counseling individually and together.. I started being silent about it not really talking about it, i feel like he takes my silence as i am over it, but i am not i still hurt deeply..

Submitted by Anonymous on 8 years 9 months

17 months from DDay (or so); 13 months (or so) since he officially ended it with the AP. When a spouse withholds information or goes to the over-done "I can't remember" statement over and over.... it makes the betrayed spouse feel like she or he is going nuts. Just that the affair happened is crazy-making but once we've hit the rock bottom of discovery, there's so many more layers of hurt and pain to come... it's like a free fall through all with thought was true about our lives, our marriages, our family, our identities and now isn't. The cheating spouse can help by being honest, full disclosure as much as possible, being humble and performing acts of humility to help restore their betrayed spouse's belief in their bond. I appreciate that you say here that there doesn't actually have to be trust to rebuild at the start. And how can there by trust again so fast? It took years of marriage to build that trust and bond and deep layers of love; it took just hours of flirting texts, sexets and then just a few hours of screwing the AP to undo it all. None of this - the repair - is easy and fast process. But the whole thing just makes me feel so deeply insecure about myself. Was our marriage perfect? No. Are any? Most likely not. But going outside the marriage to fix something in it is the deepest form of betrayal. Can't people just be adults and treat their spouse like they would the good friend they are supposed to be and end it cleanly (no matter how hard) before turning to another? As difficult as my own parent's divorce was, neither betrayed the other thru affairs. An affair is such a childish, mean and cruel act; I don't care if it was "not all about me"... the fallout of it coming to light seems to have affected me and my self esteem and how I feel about myself as a woman, wife, and mom (even daughter, sister and friend) way, way more than it's affected my spouse. He seems pretty ok w/himself as a man, son, father, brother, etc... .post all of it coming out. Yes, he has remorse but he seems pretty self satisfied w/himself too. Why wouldn't he? He got away w/courting, flirting with and secretly romancing and then having sex w/someone not his spouse - for almost two years. What a "fun" little game they played with each other and with my heart and with our family's well being. And all while I continued to raise his kids, help them through their own problems/crisis and supported his career. The cheating spouse not coming cleaning, holding back information and parsing out the facts seem like more ways of being betrayed and more protection of the AP than our hearts; it feels like the betrayed spouse's feelings come second to maintaining the cheater's dignity and the AP's privacy. It's all so sordid and mean and such clear bullying behavior. I think that both the cheating spouse and AP must get off on it... being jerks to the betrayed spouse(s). It's part of the thrill it seems, whether or not they want to admit to themselves or each other. And if I have to hear one more time that he didn't INTEND to hurt me... I'm gonna lose it. What fully functioning adult over 40 doesn't get their their actions have both healing and hurtful potential? How could he think so little of me and our marriage and our family to not even stop once to think - he had to be setting off a chain reaction of hurt for all involved for years and maybe even decades to come. The research on children, teen and young adult children who have a cheating parent is staggering in its fall out for their own adult lives in romantic and committed relationships and the news is NOT good at all. So before you cheat, as yourself what your own reaction would be to knowing your spouse stepped out on you? And don't pretend or lie to yourself that you'd be ok with it or it was nothing personal because you know it's a lie to yourself. You'd be just as devastated and diminished as everyone writing here who has been betrayed and is trying to scrap the pieces of their heart together and restore their sense of selfhood post your stupid and selfish act. Answer the questions they have about your affair and try, try to be a person of integrity and a man or woman of the same values and vows you professed the day you got married to. Think of yourself on that day - think of your spouse on that day or the day you decided you wanted this person in your life for the rest of your life.... then ask yourself what THAT person - your old self would say to the person you are now who cheated on that same wife or husband. If you need to go barf or sob yourself to sleep for a few weeks or months, you are on the right track of remorse and change and transformation. Don't make your betrayed spouse do all the work and research and planning of the healing and recovery of a possibly new marriage. Get off your lazy butt (for what is cheating but sheer laziness about the work marriage takes???) and get to work doing the work and patience and work and fortitude of change in yourself and restoration of your spouse's faith in you and in your marriage. Got it - you were lazy and went the easy, sloppy seconds path instead of the path of integrity, work and beautiful trust in what you could do with the power of love. You gave up on love. You gave up on your spouse, on your marriage and your family - yes, all imperfect and also all yours in a way you will now have to work two and three-fold to get back. If you ever do. Everyone is changed by what you did - don't kid yourself. Go look and the mirror and admit that truth to yourself. You changed it - not your wife, not your children, not your marriage's history, not your inlaws, not your work or lack of work, not your friends, not even your AP... you did. Now grow up and fix it.

Submitted by Missmee (not verified) on 8 years 9 months

I love this. Every single word. Couldn't be truer. Now a year post D-day and I'm pretty sure my spouse is still not ready to face the full extent of his actions, which is why he's not willing or able to get to full disclosure. And I'm tired of asking, but I can't have it swept under the rug. Ignored feelings always come back with a vengeance.

Submitted by debaw on 8 years 1 month

You are so right! I totally feel like I am going insane. I am so tired of the lies after him swearing what he is saying is true, then finding out later. He asks me why I keep digging and opening up old wounds(dday was 18 months ago) I told him these wounds are not old, they have never healed and I keep digging because the I don't know why or the I don't know when it began are getting very tiresome and I need answers. I am so stuck, I am beside myself and totally going crazy.

Submitted by MikeOB (not verified) on 7 years 7 months

I understand and feel everyone's pain, my issue is crazy also. My wife has a case of the "I can't remember. She can remember what happen at the bar, went to his house and can't remember what happen there except he kissed her she kissed him,now she didn't come home until 7am and can remember the following days events cause he happened to show up at my house (football party) but left quickly. This cannot be true that she doesn't remember, right?

Submitted by shadowy on 7 years 4 months

I am long time cheater...multiple times over many years. I have a great wife and children. I have NEVER responded to anything online. When I read this you wrote, it hit me like nothing my wife or Rick or anyone on here has ever said! It actually HELPED me hit rock bottom and see myself for who I really am. I am so ashamed and aghast at myself for being in self denial for so many years! I made excuses, justified, minimized, defended my cheating as not so bad since I did not have intercourse with any of them. I thought I had set my boundaries. How ludicrous and ridiculous of me!!! Cheating is cheating and I definitely cheated even though sometimes only in my thoughts. It all affected my relationship with my wife. I know that your writing that letter was for ME! If what you did helped no one else but ME.....it was so worth it to ME! I finally see myself because of your letter! What an awful husband I have been! You were inspired in every word you wrote and I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Submitted by healing17 on 9 years 1 month

My D-day was January 12th 2017, and so far my husband has not been able to make me feel safe and be empathetic with me. His counselor who is a CSAT just discovered that my husband has borderline Aspergers. Does anyone have experience with this ?? I want to save my marriage but I don't know ???

Submitted by Diane on 10 years 1 month

Rick, I am so very grateful for your emails and the info you provide. It has helped me tremendously as my husband of 20 years has abandoned me and our children for his affair partner and I am truly healing on my own. Since he was completely unwilling to discuss a thing when the affair was discovered and we've had almost no contact since he left 18 months ago, it is in part by these emails and your website that I am able to find peace and understanding. God Bless You and Stephanie!

Submitted by christinec (not verified) on 9 years 6 months

I am told it all started so innocently, just chatting on skype, "how amazing is it to talk to someone clear around the world". Then she asked if he had ever had skype sex, he says he said no. The "affair" went on for 6 months, 3+ contacts a week, or more - oh, except when his kids came to visit, but went right back when they left. Why wasn't I important enough not to start in the first place, and certainly why if he would stop for his girls being here, (obviously he knows this is wrong), but went right back for 3 more months.
I'm being told "it wasn't real, it wasn't like we were ever going to meet", then my favorite "I don't know, she just kept contacting me". Took him another 3 weeks after being busted to finally take down his google+ & skype accounts. 5 months after his being caught I am not sure its really over as I found out just yesterday in therapy that he was able to stop the behavior for his kids but not me. Now what.

Submitted by leanne on 11 years 2 months

I am the cheating spouse.

I had a three month affair and when my affair had ended I made the same mistakes it seems that all of you are suffering. It's been over a year since my affair ended and my wife still feels that there are still holes and gaps to be filled.

I'll start from the beginning

My job requires me to go to the homes of others whether male or female. So this is how it happened and I am not going to tell anyone what I do for a living. So I met my AP at her home. I want to say that It was about a week later when she had called me while I was at the grocery store and she was asking me to go dancing with her the following evening. I told her that I don't dance, (1st mistake), "I should have hug up", "I should have told my wife what just happened", and when I was going to checkout she asked me If I was married and I said yes I am. So you think It would have ended there, "right". I'm not sure exactly when the next call came from her it may have been within a few days or so but when she called me the next time she had asked me to go to an art party with her. I didn't respond by saying yes or no but when I went home I had asked my wife If she would like to go to an art party that I was invited to and right now I wish she would have said yes. Please keep in mind that I am not blaming my wife for the poor choice that "I" made when "I" gave myself the permission to start seeing another woman.

I called my AP and said yes I would like to go and meet her. My AP asked me to help her bring some things to the building a week prior to this party. So this would have been on a Friday, the party wasn't until the following Friday and Saturday evenings. When I was with her the 1st evening she wanted me to go downtown with her to another function so I agreed but before I needed to get something to eat so we went to Applebees and she had a drink while I grabbed something light. Then we went downtown and I paid for both of us to get into the function. I was constantly looking around for people that I might know or my wife knew and I can personally say that it was very stressful. I stayed for about 1/2 an hour to 1 hour, I'm not sure because I left my phone inside my vehicle. "We both drove separate".

Before I left she asked me to meet her next week at another place downtown. I think we met on a Tuesday and Wednesday evening at a certain bar/restaurant. My AP was busy that week because she had a lot of things to prepare for this event that was just in a few days. I went to the Art Party Friday evening but I didn't enjoy the atmosphere and I wasn't having fun. I was stressed out because I didn't belong there and felt guilty because I was with another woman who was not my wife. So I told my AP I didn't feel good and then I went home. "Oh, by the way some of you may ask, "what was I telling my wife before I left". (Every time I left I told my wife that I was going to work), yes I lied.

The next time I was with my AP would have been on Sunday afternoon, which was the following day after the art party. (Art party was Friday and Saturday). We didn't go anywhere just stayed at her house for an hour before I went home. We discussed going to the shooting range the following Saturday. So my AP and I set up the day to meet and I went to her home that morning and I picked her up and we spent at least 1/2 the day together. I don't remember everything we talked about but we probably had discussions about our two very different lives, family's and how much fun we were having with each other. "Maybe to some of you that sounds kind of lame", but It's very difficult to remember "exactly" what was said. I think more of it is just bringing out facts of what happened because for me their were many times I met with my AP and I know we talked privately but I can only mostly remember the topics of our conversations rather than exactly how I responded or how my AP responded.

We met many times again and again and we talked by phone and text. Since I wasn't sleeping with my wife and had not been even before my affair it gave me time to both respond and engage. Just so some of you may understand how in the world is he doing this and covering it up.

Ok, I don't want to make this so long that all of you and Rick if he reads this gets disinterested so I am going to make this a little shorter.

There was a evening that my AP sent me a text and she had asked me to meet her. It was maybe 11PM. So I told her to find me out on the road which was about 100 Yds. away from my home. So I threw on my headphones and went for a walk. My AP and I went for a drive and then parked, I'm not going through any further details but I can tell you that this happened two times. Then one evening I told my wife that I had to be on a job at 3AM and that's when I went to her home and this happened during the work week not on a weekend and I did this more than one time.

We still went out many times after and met at several different places of my AP's choice. My AP had her own business and was always telling me that she never had any money. Several times she would continue on asking me to help her fund her business for her office employees expense. I always responded by telling her that I wanted to see her books so I could see what she was doing. I never supplied her any money for her business but I did pay every time we were out.

When my wife discovered.

I was with my AP one evening and it was around 11PM when I was on my way home. My wife called when I was driving. My wife said she knew everything. I said about what, and she said she found out about my affair. I told my wife I was driving home and I would talk when I was there. Then my AP calls me and she said your wife knows about us. So know overdrive kicks in and panic mode, damage control, anger, guilt, shame and now I had to come and face my wife. The only thing, there was no reality, none. I didn't even know what I was going to tell her, no plan, nothing.

I walked into a area where we always sit outside and there she was. I think she was smiling but I could feel her tense. So I think she was smiling with anger. So I sat in a chair next to her and denied my affair. Knowing me, I probably told my wife that I was tired and wanted to go to sleep and why can't we just talk about this in the morning. I don't know but I think we had a conversation and I think I told her that my AP and I were going to get married. I don't know what else was said that evening but I think I wore the same smile of anger, only mine was from getting caught.

My wife told me that she wanted me out. She didn't want me here. So I said I would leave but I needed to find a place to go. (Saturday evening was discovery and I moved out on Monday. I didn't move to my AP's home but I did go to a friends and then to my Mom and Dads as they were leaving for several months.

My wife and I didn't talk for a day or two except for she asking me to get the rest of my things out. I also talked with my Dad but the only advise he had to give me was, "you know, I never loved your mother". Instead of telling me, "Son what the heck did you just do, you just destroyed your family and your son and now you need to do anything to get them back. I wish he would have said something.

I'm leaving a lot out of this but I will say that I went back about a week later. Yes I was no longer with my AP but some text messages were back and forth and finally ended.

Mistakes I made were not telling my wife everything. But I didn't know all of the rules. She knew about the sex but not our conversations about what we talked about. I think it took me about two months. Then the dribbling started. Then 6 months I was still dribbling. Then 10 months, still dribbling. 12 months, still dribbling.

I don't mean this to sound this way. Sometimes I feel that my wife is looking for this smoking gun. This specific piece of information that will suddenly be able to help her heal. I feel like I'm the star wide receiver but I keep on dropping the pass in front of a stadium of 50,000 people and the crowd is booing and yelling for the coach to yank me from the game and put in a player that is more consistent and competent.

I love my wife with all of my heart and I love my only son with all of my heart. I want my wife to heal and I want trust again. I want our marriage to be this wonderful thing between us to be so exclusive to think that nobody has the bond like we do.

My wife knows the timeline of events. She knows the where and how many times and I think she knows why but I'm not sure. But for some reason she believes she doesn't have all of the information. Believe me I have had a bomb of information dumbed on her all at one time and more.

My affair was for three months and I regret every single moment I was talking, texting or spending time with my AP.

What the heck am I doing wrong. My wife is struggling every single day and I am running out of ideas and ways to help her.

I love my wife and she truly means everything to me.

Bob

Submitted by Anonymous on 11 years 2 months

This is a well written article and explains just how I feel stuck with the lack of information that my husband is giving. After 3 separate occasions catching him in lies and questionable circumstances/relationships with other women, he swears NOW he is a changed man, that from here on he will think different,y and behave differently. To him just saying he was wrong, saying sorry and answering questions (with lies and half truths) should be enough for me to get over it and move on. I know he hasn't been honest, he has given me no detail in regards to timeline, the person, how they came to be etc. he thinks it's enough to give a 'fake' name and that's it. Now he will argue that he is doing his best to prove to me he wants to save the marriage but won't relent and give me the information I need to know. Why do I need to know? I need to know his frame of mind, who the high risk women in his life are, how long he was involved and how deeply. Instead of full disclosure I have resorted to playing PI and reveal information that is disturbing. He says no matter what he says I won't believe him anyway, that I expect him to tell me what I want to hear. Really? But we both know he did! So fed up with lies and secrets.

Submitted by Ssrs (not verified) on 7 years 8 months

You wrote every word as it was mine. This is my circumstance to the T!!! Thank you for putting it into words

Submitted by Anonymous on 11 years 2 months

If you are reading this then read all the other replies as well.
Do you see a common thread here?
If we are still in the picture you should get down on your knees and thank God for our kindness.
Take us by the hand sit us down and tell us EVERYTHING.
Don't make us ask and ask and ask until we ask the right question.
Don't make us wait while you decide to dole out your responses.
Don't lie to us that you don't remember.
You lied to us over and over so you could be with that other person and if you want us back in your life then give us the respect we deserve and tell us what happened.
This makes me so angry and your unco-operative attitudes is what keeps us in this hell you have created.
For once stand up and be a man, (or women if that is the case).
You want us back be the better person we deserve!
A honest open and loving person.
Please quit abusing us and start being the person we deserve.
Above all remember you have no right to waste a second of our lives and you are very lucky we are even still here.
My heart and prayers go out to all of you who have been cheated on.

Submitted by Another betrayed spouse (not verified) on 7 years 10 months

This is the best memo to cheating partners I had read in a long time.

Submitted by Craig (not verified) on 2 years 3 months

I felt I needed to respond to your comment, as a man who cheated on my wife in year 12 of our marriage, I think I can speak to your comment. First off I don’t know you or what happened let alone how recent it had been but I can tell you when you say that we should get down on our knees and thank you for still being there, that’s not an attitude that will help you reconcile your marriage. My wife and I were able to repair our marriage and have now been married for 35 years and we have more love for each other than we ever did. I never blamed her for my affair it was my choice and I excepted the responsibility. During the time of my affair my wife turned to another man for comfort, she felt all the emotions that the rest of you feel and another man preyed on here and she fell for it as I made her feel horrible. I also took responsibility for her affair as if I hadn’t been doing what I was doing she would never have been in his arms. Part of what I think helped us was when we first started to talk she made a statement through tears that she wouldn’t except responsibility for my actions but she excepted her role in helping me get to the place where I said yes to someone else. To be honest, that helped me to be honest with her and I truly felt she meant what she said. That allowed us to talk freely and honestly, they were hard conversations, I truly love my wife with all my heart, I know your thinking he couldn’t love her because if he did he wouldn’t have done it. Sometimes our own hurt is difficult to discuss even with the one you love most, in part because they are the ones causing us pain, the truth is that they don’t know they are doing it. My wife asked me why I didn’t come talk to her about the problems and how I felt before I made the decision to go outside our marriage? I did try and talk to her but men a lot of times have a hard time communicating what the real problem is. So I would tell her and nothing would change so I interpreted it as she really didn’t care. I think the problem in most marriages is men and woman don’t truly know how to communicate to one another. Those of us that have had affairs never get away Scott free we harder guilt and a lot of regret for hurting someone we love the most, I’m not asking for sympathy, it’s my penance and I’ll gladly pay it for what I did. When you ask your husband why he did it and he says he doesn’t know why, he’s more than likely telling you the truth we have a hard time looking at feelings and understanding our action. Reconciling our marriages is entirely possible and creating an even stronger love and bond is as well but it takes patience and a willingness to open up and reveal our feelings, for men if we do that we feel we’re being perceived as being weak. It’s hard after an affair to talk with love but I sat down and trout about what drew me to my wife, all the good things and as we talked I made it clear in my head that that woman was the one I needed to be speaking with not the woman I was harboring bad feeling for. If you had an affair you need to be 100% honest with her or him, your not going to hurt her anymore she is already broken. This is the point where you can turn things around, telling your spouse to get over it is a good way to hear the words ( you have been served). Both sides need to respond with love not defensiveness. You can do it, we did.

Submitted by Anonymous on 11 years 2 months

As the betrayer I have to say in the beginning a lot of the details seemed blurry because I was trying to wrap my own head around what happened and we were still living in close proximity to the AP and trying to get out. I thought I was giving the details as my spouse could handle them. After moving a little further away but still close enough to run into the AP I felt safe and started opening up so that my spouse and I could have a better understanding of what happened. I was very forthright with details with the exception of sexual details bc honestly we all know what the act is and there is no benefit to that type of explanation. Also in my own head I wanted those images to go away because of my shame. After moving out of state my spouse felt like we would have a new beginning but still did not feel like I was being honest and after going through the explanation of the beginning to the end of a 4 month affair there was not much else that I could come up with. I have been empathetic but sometimes realize I could be a little more and after 4 years I am really trying to be kind and loving and simply apologize when my spouse shares that those intrusive thoughts are going through their head. My spouse tends to get really upset after drinking and sometimes have to cut the conversation short because it tends to turn ugly. I see all the hurt and pain I have caused and wish I could take it away but I just hang in there and do the best I can with the tools I have. We did go through a period of if you give me more info I will feel better and I found myself repeating what I had already told. I think after being screamed at in front of my family I was done and told my spouse I realize my faults and working my butt off to make things better but I will not be treated like that....I can understand in the beginning but not years later. Things actually seem to be better since then as we have both set up our boundaries.

Submitted by Kate69 (not verified) on 6 years 9 months

I so appreciate what you have written here. I have tried and tried to own up to what I've done, as I am the unfaithful spouse. I have tried to give information, but my spouse feels I'm not being honest with what I've given, and then we've just ended up in re-wiring of the conversation, how I feel / felt, my motives, and the reasons for why things happened. Then there's the abuse I endured when I was trying to tell him what he asked me, and it was brutal. After attempting to answer and give reasons for why things happened the way they did, and being told that I'm (blankety blank blank blank) still not telling the truth, I had to give up. These conversations were so unhappy and painful, I'd be in knots and sick for weeks afterward. We never were able to get through any of them with any positive outcomes, except more anger, resentment and distance. It's been almost 20 months since D-Day, and I want more than anything to restore a 25+ year marriage that had so many holes I don't know where to begin. The emotional distance I was put through with my spouse all those years drove me to the brink of insanity and feeling so worthless, and then I made choices to cheat. I won't ever justify what I did nor say it was my spouse's fault nor excuse it, but I did spend years trying and trying to get closer to my spouse, understand his distance, suggest counseling/therapy/workshops/books, to no avail. I'd always have to just drop it, and everything I did was wrong (he perceives I was the most selfish person in the world, that I nagged, complained, and was depressed for years and that he couldn't take it anymore so he just detached and turned me away when I wanted to cuddle, have sex, etc). Yes, I did many things wrong, but I'm still here ready and willing to make the marriage work. I've done work on myself because I've learned that one person can indeed change a marriage even when the other doesn't want the marriage (has been saying this for years but still hasn't filed, this makes no sense) because my h isn't willing to look at his contribution. I'm still here because even though we've slept in separate rooms for 15+ years and emotional distance has driven me nearly to insanity, without God, I would not still be where I am (at home with my spouse). I've worked on myself to be the best I can for me, my spouse and most importantly, my savior Jesus. Spouse is still not willing to be anything more than roommates, but God has promised me that He will restore what the enemy has stolen from us, and that there will be resurrection of this relationship to more closely resemble His plan and will for our lives. So I continue where I am, being mindful of myself and waiting for God. The best thing out of all this is that my spouse has agreed to attend congregation together, where we never did before ... although I think he's doing it more because he wants to for himself. He's talked to our pastor just 3 times without me there (he declines to have any counseling for us), and mostly what he told our pastor is that he wants out. He promised our pastor he would wait for 6 months to file and then didn't (that was about 9 months ago), but as recently as 3 weeks ago said our remaining together in this house is "pointless". As the unfaithful spouse, I can say that God doesn't think restoration and fulfillment of His will is pointless. I just hope that some betrayed spouses can consider the possibility that their unfaithful spouses are not the enemy and may be willing to work through and recover the relationship, that their unfaithful spouse may simply be a person who still loves them and who did a bad thing, but are not unworthy of being rescued nor salvation and restoration of the relationship. I wish my spouse could understand these things, but right now he simply cannot.

Submitted by MaryJ on 6 years 8 months

So Did you admit sex but just not the sexual details? My husband has just told me his co worker and him kisses for 3 years and she stroked his penis but he said nothing more happened he just touched her bra. I don’t understand if there are phone records of them talking daily for hours during work and then his phone would always be offline meaning he tired off location (as we frequently shared locations in our family phone account).

I feel in my heart they had sex because when I approached her she said they kissed 3 years ago and then stopped and he said they kissed 3 months ago barely for first time. Plus she lied about kissing and I told her he told me that they kissed she said oh ya 3 years ago.

Since I kept asking him over and over if they had sex and that wife / husband who want to work out should have all truth on what went on (I don’t need details) then I could know my heart is in sync with this gut wrenching feeling they had sex. So he said fine we had sex and when I shared this news with our marriage counselor feeling relieved. Then he said you promised to ask no details and guess what I never had sex with her I just told you that so you can feel better. I don’t know why but he says he lied. It has been 8 months since I found out by phone records. I just want to know if they had sex because all dates are wrong from the two of them and then I just found out by his friend he had sex behind my back with my sister years ago I don’t even know when I still haven’t had strength to deal with both situations. He tells me to get over it when I ask for truth and he stands up by front door and walks out saying I’m going with my co worker since you want me to have sex with her. It makes me so mad I just want the truth and it’s either I get over it or accept it was no they didn’t have sex.

Do you think he doesn’t want to tell me about the sex? I have no proof I just felt relieved when he said he did and that we could move on now I just feel lied to.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 3 years 4 months

I caught my husband in so many lies it would make your head spin. The only time he ever admitted guilt is when I caught him red handed. And even then, he still tried to lie. Your gut knows even when you don't. When you're married , spiritually you become one flesh before God and that means something. it means when you know you know. And you know

Submitted by leanne on 11 years 2 months

I just posted the same thing on another article about complete disclosure. I do love my husband. I have - like most everyone of you- spent over a year working on processing any dripping disclosure only to suffer the pain of grief day after day. I have waited for so long for him to open up about what they shared ( other than sex). I talk to no one- due to the humiliation- even my own mother is unable to share due to the pain it brings her from past experience. So I'm asking anyone if wanting to know the details of their conversations is impotant- to me- it is. He just doesn't remember what he said and can't understand why I need to know. I wanted that special recovery- the kind where putting it all on the table and allowing me to important enough and special enough to bring the dark secret conversations to light. What happens when they never share that with you.....

Submitted by Jessie on 11 years 2 months

It's been 9 months and I still can't seem to get enough information either. Other than, "I don't remember," I'm dealing with the fact that my husband was heavily drinking during his encounters. So if he's really told me all he knows, what am I supposed to do from here? Accept it and move on or stay stuck in this rut? Unfortunately, I don't have the answer to this problem. I know a lot of details and he thinks I'll never know enough. I'm wondering if he's right. It's like I'm looking for something to make me feel better and I think I can find it by knowing more, but it's not working. Hopelessness is seeping in. It's so painful and exhausting. Can anyone help?

Submitted by Kim F (not verified) on 11 years 2 months

I understand too, I seem to continually have questions and want to know more...I am wondering is there actually any more to know? Alcohol has blurred my husbands memory too and so if he cant actually remember, how can he honestly retell to me how, what and why it happened, and the last thing I want him to do is make up a story simply to satisfy me just because he cant really remember... it has only been 3 months , he has told me what happened, he was so ashamed, he has told me he is sorry over and over, he has stopped drinking. I am still shocked and hurt and it is tough to get past this...it is so tough and I continue to ask questions but I just don't think there are any more answers... I think the biggest realization I have come to is this... What happened had nothing to do with me, once I removed myself from what happened I saw things differently...I realized I was blaming myself and decided I should not take the blame for his actions. I did not make him cheat. He made the decision to cheat. He choose to stray... understanding that was really the only thing I needed to understand...and I think because the answer is something I am ever going to be comfortable with, it is hard to accept and take in and be finished with... I too have been looking for something to make me feel better and thought knowing more would do the trick, but it does not. I now stop myself from asking anymore questions simply because I have asked them all before and he has answered them...I now need to either accept it, forgive him and start to move on with him...or I dont... I agree it is so painful and exhausting...it really is...and its not fair... I hope somehow my story helps...

Submitted by bistro45 on 9 years 10 months

I am in the same boat. Frustrating. Did both of you H quick drinking? Mine is currently going through AA even though he is not dependent he puts a lot of the blame on alcohol.

Submitted by Still Trying (not verified) on 6 years 1 month

My husband was directed to Sex Therapist, which recommended full disclosure and then a lie detector afterward to verify for both our sakes...mine, so I could get my feet somewhere a bit more solid and for him....to feel some self respect and find a starting point.

Submitted by Van (not verified) on 4 years 2 months

I have thought a lie detector might be the only way I 100% believe I have all the details about his cheating. Did he end up taking the test? If so, how did it go?

Submitted by Earl. (not verified) on 3 years 7 months

My husband of 25 years was also working out of town and heavily drinking, I caught on REAL fast and confronted him. His answers are always I don't remember but he is trying and I do love him but also hate him at the same time. I need all the answers. To fill in box or I will never stop thinking and being angry about it.

Submitted by Keri (not verified) on 11 years 2 months

Reading this article makes my heart sad, today...it's been 4 years since my husband's secret living was brought to light. In the beginning of our recovery time, I felt he was kinder in his responses, tolerating my questions, but never offering anything unless "I ask." For this reason, it has always felt choppy and handed to me piece-meal. Lately, a lot of triggers have brought these original raw emotions out in me, and when I want to delve deeper with him, he is defensive and angry that I am "bringing up the past." Something in all of this makes me feel 'unsafe", thus reliving all of the original patterns that led me to his "secrets" in the first place. Praying that God will reveal himself in this situation, of today...praying for a marriage that is built on Christ, filled with honesty and trust.

Submitted by Cathy c (not verified) on 11 years 2 months

It's been 6 mos since discovery and he says he has told me everything. Much of "everything" has holes, doesn't make logical sense, and sounds a lot like "the dog ate my homework ". The newest thing is that when I tell him I still think about it every single day, he says he Never thinks about it/her unless I bring it up. He had a 9 mo affair (timeframe questionable) and never thinks about it? Am I crazy to think this is just the new lie?

Submitted by sucats on 11 years 2 months

secrets? Why is OK for "the AP" to know things about my spouse and her that I don't know? Why is it wrong for me to have details? Why should the events they did stay in the dark and not come to light? Why does it always seem there are new ways to "protect" the unfaithful and the AP by not asking for details? Why is it always about them? Do I sound upset? You bet I am. When a wife/husband makes the decision to cheat they have made the decision to give up any and all rights to privacy about any aspects of their affair. I'm just saying.......

Submitted by FanofMike (not verified) on 7 years 3 months

It’s fabulous when a person speaks their truth. Sorry for what you’ve been through. You don’t deserve it. Prayers coming your way. ?????

Submitted by Rebecca67 (not verified) on 6 years 10 months

I have yet to get the details. We have been living separate for almost three months and D Day was three weeks ago. I want to know when this 8 year affair started to the month and all details. I know this woman! I have been pouring over old phone bills seeing how they texted and sent pictures to each other and it is sickening. My husband is acting remorseful but not offering much information. We see a counselor again next week.

Submitted by Bruce99 (not verified) on 6 years 10 months

Hi Rebecca - not sure why I am responding here. Maybe because this is one of the few threads on this topic that I have read that isn't super old. Plus I guess in a similar situation. We are a year and a week past D day. She in an affair for 10 to 12 years. Emotional only for 8 (I am told) and then physical as well. Also know the guy. It's the little things that hurt the most - Him commenting on her FB posts and saying stuff like "say hi to your beautiful fam" "great to hear your doing well" etc. Then to look at phone records and see they had been texting and calling each other all day. Week. Months. Years.. Looking at pics of when we were on a date and seeing that she was texting him through the night. Going to bed early (I work early) and she stays up and talks with him. Etc... Years of this. It is painful. I must fully disclose that I am by no means innocent - and many would say that my behavior during the same time was worst. But I am willing to own up to my moral and religious failings and disclose whatever info is needed to heal- whereas she acts like her affair is none of my business. I had to actually accept that I was the kind of person that did the things I did - and decide who I want to be now. Only full honesty about past and present will accomplish that. Sorry if I sound like a know it all- but I am about 9 months ahead of you in a dumpster-fire of my own. :) I wish you the very best with your counseling! We are seeing a counselor in January.

Submitted by Anonymous on 11 years 2 months

This was very well written. Thanks Rick.

I being the hurt spouse can tell you that if you are the unfaithful spouse, honesty and telling ALL of what happened right from the start go a long way in healing.

In our case my husband had 3 ongoing affairs more or less at the same time. One was emotional with a women he had almost had a sexual affair with, (or so he says), 5 years before, then started calling again, one was a sexual affair with an old girlfriend, and after her he had a serious sexual affair with another women.

On D-day, I was only told about the last affair. This alone tore me heart to pieces and drove me almost insane with grief.
For a year or more whenever I asked any questions the answers were always vague or he couldn't remember. This only added to my confusion, frustration, and doubt. For I had been living with a man I thought I knew and he had become so good at telling lies, that I could no longer tell what was truth. I think it may have been almost the same for him. He was so used to telling a lie about almost everything that the real truth was muddled for him. Also his lies were his biggest defence mechanism.

About 6 months after the first D-day and much counselling, individually and together, my husband gave me the password to his cell phone account. It was here that I discovered the other two women.

When I confronted him on these numbers and these women, he told me they were just friends an he was just being social.
I once again asked more questions and was told more lies. I had a feeling that something was very wrong and I would not let it go. I had failed to trust my feelings before but never again.

I was right, not that this was a good thing, but a year after the affair he wrote letters to all 3 women and told them he loved me and had wronged me and that he never wanted to see them or ever have any contact ever again.
It was after he did this that the one old girlfriend called our house and said he had just lied and told her how much he loved her over and over and that he had lied to her telling her that he would get rid of me and they could have a future together and that it was wrong of them to have an affair.

Even after her telling him all this right in front of me he denied ever having sex with her over and over. Then the next day admitted to me that he did, but only once, like this made it so much less of an offence. Stating that he had lied to me as to not hurt me further. Well let me tell you it hurt even worse, because here I thought he was really trying which he was, but truth is one of the biggest healing agents when trying to heal from an affair.

Now 2 years later I am still a mess. My husband is being very patient, honest and loving. He has changed his ways and is doing everything he can to make our marriage better. I on the other hand still feel so crushed, abused and depressed. I feel almost worthless and ugly inside and out. It is hard for me to grasp that someone I gave my life to has done all this to me. I love him but I hate what he has done to me.

We never talk about it and our counsellor has moved away, so I have no one to confide in. I could look for another counsellor but the thought of telling this story all over makes me feel sick.

In conclusion to those of you who have been unfaithful, you should know that Rick is so right in saying to tell it ALL and get all the questions dealt with as soon as possible and as honestly as possible. To withhold the information is just more abuse!

Please remember that life is short and we gave our lives to you to share and you have no right to waste a second of it with your lies, deceit and cheating. Love and marriage is a very special gift that we have decided to share with you. If you are reading this it would seem that you are at least willing to try to make your marriage work. If this is so then it would be best to do EVERYTHING that you can possibly do to make things right. Telling the truth is one of the most important steps to our healing without it the damage and abuse is ongoing.

Submitted by T.M. (not verified) on 11 years 2 months

Thus article showed up in my inbox just hours after my husband and I had an argument where he told me he is tired of trying to be a good husband when it doesn't seem to be helping our relationship much, and asked me when I'm going to get past this and start trusting him again. He offers to do things to make me feel safe but resents doing those things and "forgets" to do them. Because he offers, I expect that he will do it, and it cracks the trust more when he doesn't do what he says. We are about ten months into this. I want to trust him. I want my life back. I didn't ask for any of this. I read all of the links at the top of the page. It all makes sense. But I feel like every time I take a step forward, he does something to shove me right back.

Submitted by Linda B (not verified) on 11 years 2 months

I have always had a problem with the timeline and when the affair started. My husband says he doesn't remember. Today he said I need to accept that or leave him. Those are my choices? Not very satisfying. I wish he understood that I am hurting, even though it's been 10 months. I really want to move on and have closure. I don't know why this is so important to me.

Submitted by Cheryl R (not verified) on 11 years 2 months

I get a whole lot of "I don't remember" as well. That doesn't help me feel secure or trusting. I know he doesn't want to remember because it is his pain as well.

Submitted by speriottshusband on 1 year 3 months

I have an honest question, what level of detail is needed? I am the wayward husband. I cheated on my wife 6 years ago. Hid it. Told her after she gave birth to our daughter (worst time I know). It's 6 months post d-day currently. I have wracked my brain for the why's and how's that were conscious. Back then, I was extremely depressed and ran away from my family's house to marry her. The lack of acceptance and them fighting me (siblings and parent), destroyed me 5 months later. I broke. And in that I cheated. Two times in the same week trying to feel something other than my pain. Running away from all the shit I was in. The worst part is? She had nothing to do with the pain! She didn't cause it! I am in therapy right now trying to find out the why's and how's and how I got there. To bring that forward to her. but every layer, opens another under. And it is taking time to connect the dots. In that time, she is waiting and depressed and eating away at herself. I don't know what to do. I feel stuck -> the process takes time. I said everything from my memory. She's depressed and I hate that for her. She is my partner regardless if she chooses to give us a try, I don't want her to be unwell this way. I really need your advice. I understand you are betrayed partners and extremely hurt as well.
Your advice, if any, is appreciated.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

Submitted by Lea_AR on 1 year

That's a great question. The level of detail shared is very dependent upon each person and their individual personality. Some betrayed spouses want ALL the details (I'll get to that in a minute) because their fear and their imagination is typically worse than the reality. Other betrayed spouses want only the absolutely necessary information. (This is covered more in the Harboring Hope course, which was a life changer for me). I usually tell betrayed spouses that they need to think very carefully about the questions they ask because the wayward mate should answer all their questions honestly - which means they ought to be cautious about asking questions they're not prepared to hear the answers to. A simple exercise for the betrayed is to ask themselves, "Will the answer to this question help me more than it hurts me?" before they pose a question to their wayward mate.

Now, I will admit that I wanted a lot of detail and asked questions I was not prepared to hear the answer to. It definitely lengthened my recovery time and introduced new triggers that I could've avoided if I'd known how to filter my questions for my own best good. To my husband's credit, he answered my questions. But I wish I'd taken more time to think them through rather than broaching them when I was emotionally flooded. That was my responsibility, not his. 

I find that when trying to determine how much information a betrayed spouse needs disclosed, it’s helpful to stick with the five W’s…

Who - They have the right to know who the affair partner(s) is/was. Was it a co-worker, a friend, a stranger? They have the right to know if you paid for sex. As they navigate their life, they have the right to know if anyone in their circle is no longer safe.

What - They have the right to know what happened. Don’t focus on specifics here. I promise, they don’t want those mental pictures. But they do need to know what transpired in the affair. Was it purely emotional? Was there a sexual component? Was it a relationship or a one night stand? Answers to these questions help determine what steps they need to take to protect themselves, such as getting tested for STDs.

Where - They have the right to know if a location that is a part of their life is no longer safe. Did the affair take place in your home? Her car? The office? A hotel? They have the right to create a safe environment for themselves that is conducive to healing and to avoid places that are not.

When - They have the right to know the timeline of the affair. Were you cheating when she was nursing her sick mother? Were you already involved with the affair partner when you took that romantic anniversary trip? They also have the right to know how long it lasted from start to end and what special holidays or events may have elapsed during the course of the affair.

Why - They have the right to know why this happened, but understand that this answer may not come quickly. Discovering the “why” of an affair involves a lot of self reflection and personal recovery work on the part of the unfaithful spouse. Don’t be discouraged if this takes a long time.

I hope that helps. Thank you for reaching out and sharing so openly. Your story matters to God and it matters to us.

Submitted by Megan M (not verified) on 11 years 2 months

I get the same line in addition to being told that "I'm just dwelling on all the negative instead of trying to move on". I want to understand it and move on, but how do you move on when your mind is creating the story for you instead of the unfaithful spouse? The lack of empathy gives me very little hope too.

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