Affair Recovery

Just the title alone evokes a reaction inside all of us. “How dare anyone accuse me of feeling sorry for myself.”

Early on, I did feel sorry for myself. I felt sorry for my affair partner, my spouse, my kids, the church, you name it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I wallowed in it for a while, but honestly I didn’t have much time to wallow for too long as I had to move our family out of state, find help for us, find a new career and get moving to provide. Believe me, if we had a stockpile of money lying around, I’d have felt sorry for myself and not done anything for a long time. 

I really did want to curl up in the fetal position and cry.

It’s normal that early on when our affair or indiscretion is exposed, we feel sorry for...

In my own story, the infidelity was almost debilitating to Samantha.  Had our youngest, who was about 5 weeks old, not needed Samantha as much as he did, I’m just not sure she would have gotten out of bed most days.  Yes, my affair was gruesome and altered our lives forever.  The fact that I was intimate both emotionally and physically with my affair partner for over two years was ruthlessly difficult to hear and wrap her mind around. 

I heard this quote from a therapist not too long ago and I’ve found it to be immensely true:   “Most people can forgive the infidelity….it’s the lying they can’t get over.”   What makes recovery impossible is the perpetual drip feeding of new information rather than getting it out all at once.   ...

I’m a pretty outspoken individual. I was a communications major in college as well as a pretty ruthless debater at times.  I made my living with my mouth as a pastor and speaker for over 13 years so I can formulate an argument in a heartbeat usually. I would often times speak openly in front of hostile crowds in heated situations, dodging fruit, trash and even spit at times. I’m grateful for all of it.

Samantha would hate to argue with me and hates confrontation. After 19 years of marriage and a ton of help from Rick and other mediums, we’ve learned a thing or two about our communication patterns and styles within our marriage.  Samantha will also attest that she is not the best communicator when it comes to her feelings and her emotions. I on the other hand will...

The consequences of infidelity often times will back a person into a corner where they feel forced to take matters into their own hands. It’s not uncommon for someone to react in a certain way they never knew they were capable of. The trauma and pain of it all is more than anyone has usually had to encounter in their lives and any other residue of hurt and betrayal is tapped into, forcing even hidden emotions to come to the surface.

The struggle for control permeates both sides of the infidelity and either spouse may feel like they are out of control on any given day. The natural inclination is to take back the power and take back the control by any means necessary. To say it becomes combative is an understatement, and emotions are at an all-time high.

To introduce...

If there is one universal emotion associated with infidelity, it has to be sadness to the point of grief. However, second place goes to anger. For some it’s a flooding anger which spills over into inconsolable rage and even hate as we talked about last time. For others, it’s hostility towards their mate, the affair partner and often times themselves for various reasons.  

Anger is a part of life. It can be used as a defense mechanism when danger is close, or it can be a manifestation of love and concern which prompts anger to be part of the defending process of a loved one. A deeper exploration reveals that anger is almost always a secondary emotion and is actually rooted in being hurt, violated or betrayed. In infidelity’s case, all of the above apply. When we’re angry,...

Initially, when infidelity is discovered, life is thrown upside down. Jobs and careers are sometimes lost, families are rocked like never before, children are disoriented, the trauma ensues and all you’ve ever known seems a million miles away. It’s in many ways just like death, although there are wilful choices involved which make infidelity worse. It’s like leaving all you’ve ever known or understood and being launched suddenly into the wilderness of insecurity, uncertainty and disillusionment - without a map, no water, no food, and like you’re about to suffocate every step you take.

In this wilderness there are beasts that roam throughout the territory as well. Whether it is beasts of outright rage or hopelessness, or the best of depression, they roam with free abandon. If...

Early on in recovery, life is simple to describe: chaotic. Emotions are all over the map, wounds are fresh and open, and vulnerability is at an all-time high. The slightest conversation can turn toxic in one-two hundredth of a second. Trying to find any form of stability seems next to impossible. One day things seem hopeful and peaceful and everyone seems amicable. The next day, anger and flooding take hold and the future of the entire marriage and family seems at risk.

It’s enough to push either spouse over the edge. It’s much easier to wallow in despair and hopelessness than it is to believe that somehow things are going to be OK.

Our stability early on was our kids. Yes, I was a pastor, but I couldn’t find God anywhere it seemed. I was in a haze of condemnation and...

Lately things have been rather challenging to say the least. There’s been far more frustration and far more disappointment than I care to itemize or re-live. Such is life I know, and anyone reading this blog for perspective and insight will attest to life being less than perfect right now.

Last night Samantha and I were lying down just talking through the day and life and all the recent developments. It struck me to remember how much we’ve come through in our marriage and in our recovery. It grieved me with how easily I can forget all that’s transpired and be paralyzed by fear in an instant. Something inside of me is still painfully fragile. After all we’ve been through, all we’ve survived, all that God has allowed us to overcome and triumph over, I should be fearless....

It’s been 8 years since “D-Day.” (disclosure)  It’s not uncommon that when I’m talking to a couple in crisis or sharing my story, someone will eventually ask me one of the following questions: “Is it really that good, I mean, doesn’t she hold it over your head?” “Aren’t you still a doormat?” “Do you ever really get over it?” “Are you still glad you saved your marriage?” “Was it really worth it?”

Yes.  I’m thrilled we saved our marriage.  She does NOT hold it over my head.  It’s very good, better than I ever thought imaginable.  You’re never really ‘over it’ in some cavalier, ‘pretend it never happened’ kind of way.  Although by the 2nd year we had gained so much momentum in recovery, we knew we were never going back and we were going to come out on...

Almost 20 years of marriage has taught Samantha and me that we are both stuffers. We both hate conflict for different reasons and are avoiders. I hate conflict because I really just want life to be free flowing and I have enough stress to manage in life with bills, kids and responsibilities. Samantha hates conflict because it isn’t her forte, and stirs within her feelings of insecurity.  

I’m quite sure the beginning stages of my moral failure was directly due to Samantha and I stuffing down our needs, desires and overall feelings in marriage and in life. Samantha and I were each facing our own issues and inadequacies, and we both were busy making a living and raising a family. From hurt feelings, misunderstandings, judgments and unmet expectations, marriage is a hot bed...

Part of the “why” of my affair (see earlier blog post) was craving the applause of others. I was surrounded by a crowd of people, most of whom adored me and thought I was the greatest thing since sliced bread. You could say I was addicted to the applause of the congregation and people around me, as well as my affair partner.

At home however, I felt like a 4th kid. Samantha has come to grips with this treatment so this post isn’t about how she failed to do her duty.

It’s more about how we as men, and as women as well, crave applause. I was celebrated everywhere I went. I had worked hard to earn the admonition and the celebration of a sea of people.

The problem was, it was seductive. I had won their devotion, their applause and their affirmation. I was loved and I...

Why did he do it? Why did she do it? What made them risk their lives and their family for such a stupid rush? What could propel them to risk it all, for some tramp or some prostitute? Why did they affair-down? Just how deep does the dysfunction and/or addiction really go?

I’ve talked to many who have spent months and years, several years actually, trying to find the ‘why’ of the affair(s). From numerous visits to therapists, counselors, pastors, and friends, to endless books, seminars, and retreats, the ‘why’ of it all is a quest all betrayed spouses are on.

The good news is: there is a why. There is probably more than one.

The bad news is: it will take the right kind of process to discover what it is.

The worse news is: it will never be a some cavalier...

The flow of recovery outside of any pathway or established curriculum is usually chaos, and even within those proven pathways are significant wind changes. The up’s the down’s, the back and forth, the uncertainty of what is going on behind the scenes is enough to push you to want to quit, only about every other day. It really does produce a chaotic uncertainty about what each day will look like, or each weekend with the kids will or won’t look like. It may also paint a picture of what the impending separation or divorce will one day feel like and look like.

Usually, when someone wants to interrupt the chaos of it all, unless there is a strategy involved, it’s a stubborn move of desperation. It typically is something along the lines of cutting off all communication with their...

It’s a daily comment I hear from both spouse’s on both sides of the infidelity:  “They won’t hear anything I say.” “They just don’t get it.”  “They don’t respond to anything I say.”

In reality, your spouse can’t hear what you’re saying. They may not WANT to hear you, but fact is, objectivity is lost, they have tuned you out and you’ve probably become noise to them.

If you’ve been married for any length of time, you have a lens that you see each other through from all the years of marriage prior to the affair.  That lens is thick and when you’re talking, your spouse is seeing you and hearing you through that lens of past behavior, previous actions, hurts, wounds, and resentment. If you’re the unfaithful and you’re trying to get your spouse to hear you,...