How we repattern our lives after infidelity can make or break the relationship, in both the short and the long term. Without a plan to develop new habits, new patterns and new routines, the relationship can feel stuck, overwhelmed with drudgery, and filled with disappointment. The goal after an affair or addiction is never getting back to what the couple had, but discovering something new - new energy and new patterns that the relationship is going to need to survive and yes, even flourish, moving forward. It’s never easy and it’s never a quick fix, but repatterning our own lives and the relationship will provide much-needed space for both parties to heal, while finding new momentum and new understanding for each other’s journey in recovery. While not every marriage survives the pain of infidelity, we must be willing to repattern our own lives...
Recently, I started to view my infidelity through the lens of entitlement. Coming to the WHY of my affair has taken a lot of reflection that seemed right at the time, as I uncovered layer after layer of my numerous character flaws. Nothing ever sat well with me as to truly why I did what I did, though until one morning a thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I realized that I cheated on my husband not because I was broken, but because I felt I had the right to. I felt entitled to it.
When I told my therapist about my revelation, she was hesitant to accept it. And I get why. In my day-to-day life, I do not interact with the world through a sense of entitlement. I don't expect to be treated differently from others because I think I am somehow special or better. I don't try to get away with not following the rules of acceptable social interactions. I am a law-abiding citizen. So, why did I do the exact opposite of these...
Caring for ourselves after we've either betrayed our spouse, or been betrayed, is essential. However, due to the sheer panic and trauma of it all, we often will put ourselves last and look after the well-being of our partner, IF they will allow us to. While it may seem counterintuitive, for long-term healing, both individually and in our relationship, caring for ourselves must be a top priority. It's normal to think our lives will never be the same again after trauma of this magnitude. While our lives may not look the same again, we can heal and we can find new life that still brings joy, fulfillment, and peace of mind. However, without prioritizing our own healing and learning how to care for ourselves, we typically remain stuck, wondering why we can't seem to find our way through the agony of it all. Today, Samuel shares practical and...
Hello,
I wish we weren't meeting this way. I am sorry and I want to (spiritually) meet you right where you are.
I want to encourage you today. I want to tell you who I was before my affair and I want to tell you who I am now. The person I am today, the one writing you this letter, was revealed to me during the darkest time of my life, through lots of prayer, daily trials and deep healing through healthy relationships.
I am writing this at the request of one of the amazing women in my AR group, who shaped many of my prayers and thoughts and routines during our course. Those elements helped heal my heart one day at a time. I couldn't see it then, and you may be feeling the same, but you will.
Before my affair, I was a believer in God, but I did not know God nor did I understand the impact He could (and would) have in my life. I also didn't know what I didn't know. I could only...
After an affair, we can feel left for dead. It's like we're lepers, and the outside world seemingly refuses to be associated with us. It can happen to the unfaithful, but oddly enough, it can happen to the betrayed as well. Outside observers have no idea what to say to us, so rather than try, they typically will leave us alone out of discomfort, or be instructed to leave us alone by clergy, leadership or even family members. The truth is, those whose lives have been shattered by infidelity need more support after disclosure than ever before. But where do you go? Who can you trust? Samuel says quite often, "the right people will give you the right help and the right outcome." Finding the right community is often frustrating for those whose lives have been rocked by an affair, but if you're reading this, you have found a safe and expert-driven place for healing and...
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It is both difficult and precarious to measure growth related to something so deeply painful and personal. Even acknowledging progress produces a reflexive twinge, like somehow that diminishes the devastation I experienced. That is definitely not the case, but I think, at least for me, making sure I don't forget how bad it was is a defense mechanism to ensure I don't get hurt this way again. Also, growth is not linear and sometimes is subtle, so it can be hard to recognize.
So, expanding on what I described last time, sometimes we don't notice growth when we are holding on so tightly in an effort to protect ourselves and just get through the day. Recently, I came across an email I had written about a year ago. It was illuminating and made me see very clearly that I...
I've always been known by my smile. Well, after D-Day we weren't sure when, or even if, I would ever smile again. So, it was fitting that the verse of hope that God gave me was from Proverbs 31:25 "she shall rejoice in time to come" - another translation says "she laughs without fear of the future." In this episode, I'll share a devotion I wrote about how everything is falling apart, "but God..." filling in the blanks of my uncertainty with God's ability. This sent out an SOS and helped me acknowledge my pain, but gave me hope that although things may be temporarily troubled and tragic in my life, with God, I am eternally safe and secure. Pouring out my heart to God, and exchanging my pain for His promise, would prove to be how I would rejoice in time to come, and smile and laugh again without fear of the future. What a relief! I...
After the disclosure of infidelity or addiction, our futures feel incredibly uncertain. If there is one universal, common emotion or feeling after disclosure, it’s probably raw terror. Both partners experience it, but how do you work through it? How do you process it? Today, Samuel shares his own traumatic event that was filled with not only uncertainty and confusion, but raw panic and terror. In the halls of ‘healing from infidelity’ the word trauma has become somewhat of a buzzword. Trauma isn’t necessarily what happens to us, but what happens inside of us in response to a traumatic event, and I think we can all agree that infidelity or addiction of any sort is a traumatic event. Today you will hear practical and courageous insight from Samuel that you can also utilize in your own recovery timeline. The terror we’ve experienced in our own...
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In August of 2015, I was invited to Gateway Church for a reunion with past participants of the EMS program. To my delight, a married couple was leading worship together. My heart was deeply touched by their music.
Afterwards, I went up to introduce myself to those gifted musicians. After expressing my gratitude to Rodney and Angela, they shared their dream of using music to help others who are in recovery from infidelity. Five years later, I was thrilled when we were able to hire Rodney to join us at Affair Recovery. Since then, my heart's desire...
You will either step forward into growth, or you will step backward into safety.
~ Abraham Maslow
I don't know if I have said this yet, but when I talk to you about hope and recovery, I am also talking to myself. I am still on this journey too and I get discouraged, frustrated, angry, and sad, so I am also encouraging myself as I focus my thoughts in these blogs. I hope you don't mind me tagging along for the ride.
I was thinking the other day about all of this, and stopped for just a moment to take a look in the rear view mirror of recovery. Looking into the past is easy. I do that every single day and you...
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