Can't You See I've Changed?!

Samuel, Alumnus

Samuel invites you into his own story of confrontation to paint a picture of what many spouses struggle with: Perception in recovery.

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This sounds exactly where we are. Word for word almost. I feel the same red flag raised for "trust me..." , however it is followed up. If he has to emphasize "trust me" then I hear, he is holding back or doesn't want to reveal something and is hoping I will drop it. Like a magician trying to distract with an obvious coloured cloth to cover a slight of hand; telling me to believe or know something is more about telling himself(if that makes any sense?)

He really is lying to himself

Submitted by yinroad on 9 years ago

He really is lying to himself while trying to trick/control me.

Change

Submitted by godismyanchor on 9 years ago

It's becoming clear- if real, lasting change is going to happen, it has to be because I want to change, because that's who I want to BE; not because I want you to like or accept me. If that's why one is changing, then you won't be able to be yourself with them, you'll be the changed you, but the old you who does t necessarily want to be that person will remain within, til one day, they find their way out.
One cannot serve two Gods, or put differently, one cannot serve two desires, because they will appreciate one and feel bound by the other.

wonderfully said...

Submitted by Samuel on 9 years ago

to change and have it have the greatest impact, at least in my own life godismyanchor, i've wanted to change 1. as it was the right thing to do. 2. i wanted to 3. i NEEDED to if i wanted my family together 4. God revealed to me I needed to make some serious changes. 5. by getting the right help, hence Rick, I saw how i was damaging and had damaged Samantha. great thoughts from you.

Truth spoken

Submitted by Unfaithful1979 on 9 years ago

Hi,

This vlog is spot on. We're almost six months into recovery and I can say that I have done a lot of that "I have changed..." talk. Our spouses cannot find comfort in our intentions. No matter how much we say our hearts have changed, if it isn't backed up by visible changes, it isn't real yet for the hurt. Yes, I know my heart is now geared towards healing my marriage and loving my family, but until I can prove it by actions on a day-to-day basis, my words will remain hollow. True change cannot be faked, and I believe it happens gradually.

Thank you, Samuel!

I like the line, "cannot find

Submitted by yinroad on 9 years ago

I like the line, "cannot find comfort in our intentions."

I guess that is true for "I'm sorry" too. The words do not undo the harm. "I've changed" doesn't come with a guarantee that we won't be hurt again.

gradually...unfaithful1979...

Submitted by Samuel on 9 years ago

thank you for your kind words. you said it very well when you said change happens gradually. there are and have been SOME moments where i did change almost immediately, but for the most part, it happens in stages or in a process. not finding comfort in our intentions is a brilliant statement my friend. thank you for saying that so well.

BEST blog EVER regarding CHANGES

Submitted by Robyn (not verified) on 9 years ago

So true... I hope that a light bulb goes on in many unfaithful spouses brains!! As a betrayed, there is a deep fear that "I am being fooled" again. It is so hard to combat that insecurity that infidelity has created in my life. The old saying "Fool me once - shame on you... Fool me twice - shame on me" is ever present as I try to lay aside the past and believe that genuine change has occurred. Oh I want to believe!!! It's just scary.

Robyn....scary...

Submitted by Samuel on 9 years ago

you are so right Robyn, it is terrifying to the betrayed spouse to trust again. remember courage is being afraid but saddling up anyway. :) i know it's scary but as long as you're not being naieve, I'd take it day by day, slowly but surely. it's not about trusting the same way again, but finding new honesty which will over time produce intimacy which will eventually, one day produce trust again. you'll never trust blindly again, but you'll eventually trust more and more as safety is displayed in his actions. your fear is absolutely normal and anyone in your position would feel that way. be brave, but be discerning and careful. slowly but surely is a great motto.

Another hit to my gut....

Submitted by jeffpre on 9 years ago

Once again, you put together a blog that opens my eyes to how far I have to go in my recovery. I'm always quick to think "I've let go, I'm not trying to control her anymore I've changed" and here you are putting something in words to bonk me on the head to say " no no no dummy. You are still trying to control "

Thank you once again for telling us what we need to hear instead of what we want to hear. I'm eternally grateful for your blogs and how helpful they are.

Transfer of Vigilence

Submitted by Anonymous on 9 years ago

Wondering if the unfaithful can share how long it truly took until the withdraw for the AP was signfinicantly overcome and TRUE remorse and "light" (Understanding the adultery was medication/fantasy) started to guide your inner changes?

Everything being discussed resonated with me!

Here's what my husbands counselor shared that helped get me and my husband get "unstuck" in the trust department. First, I believe the betrayed becomes hyper-vigilant because of the deception. Especially because of the rocky path to full disclosure, and the fact that it seems no one just "quits" adultery cold turkey. So, most of the cases I know of, there is BD and then there are many small disclosures and "contacts" that continue to traumatize the faithful.

My husbands counselor explained that my husband was now responsible for being vigilant for anticipating my fears. For example, calling if he was going to be late, acknowledge when we were driving by the park where they had met (not just keeping quiet and hoping I wouldn't remember), explaining any new cell phone numbers BEFORE I found them. The vigilance for avoiding triggers and hurtful reminders became his to anticipate and OWN, because he wanted to be an active part of my healing.

Also, just wanted to comment that I think trust takes several years to return to any type of normal. And quite frankly, as well as the reconciliation process is going with my husband, we have talked very honestly that I will never trust him the way I used too. Even though his heart is different, and I do believe he has gotten centered with God, I will be forever more vigilant then I was. Good news is that I don't think I'm "hyper-vigilant" because my husband has owned part of that piece.

jeffpre...you're welcome...

Submitted by Samuel on 9 years ago

jeffpre, thanks for your comments. sorry for the punch, but i wish early on someone told me this before rick finally did, so i didn't make the same mistakes that i made....i'm glad it's helped you and i'm hoping that you can translate that to your spouse and display to her empathy and patience. showing empathy, remorse and patience absolutely changed our recovery process and timeline. thank you for commenting and watching and i hope things are going well for you.

So true.... Spot on Samuel

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on 9 years ago

Samuel once again you have touched on some core nerves here. Trust has to be earned and as for in my case my spouse is such a good manipulator that I have to be double wary now. How does one tell?
I am so thankful for your blogs they help me in holding on and not letting go this end of the rope - believing stil that there's hope . Thank you Samuel.

anonymous....thank you....suggestions...

Submitted by Samuel on 9 years ago

anonymous, you're incredibly kind. thank you for that. gives me hope what we're doing here really matters and we're helping. it's tough to trust again. have you read the truth about trust? it's an ebook on the site you can download here: https://www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust-0 it's exceptional and a great read. it will help you tremendously and provide insight into the journey. take a read of that and let me know what questions you have....also, proportionate to the right kind of help goes the trust factor....so if you're not getting the right help, then i'd be even more wary of re-trusting...if you're received proper help and they seem to be implementing the protocol it helps win back trust slowly over time. does that make sense?

Needed to hear...

Submitted by pwrwagn on 8 years ago

Thank you so much for this v-blog. Its an older one but probably one of - if not the best one Ive heard. I listened to it three times just to make sure it has all sunk in. So much lately I think my wife should see how much I have changed and I believe she has but there is still a lack of trust on her part and rightfully so because of what I did but I am changing because I need to change - not just because I want to save my marriage. Appreciate your messages - especially those helping the unfaithful like myself see the light.

so glad to hear that...

Submitted by Samuel on 8 years ago

thanks for the encouragement my friend. means a ton and gives me hope to keep doing what i'm doing. i know it's a tough road, and i'm honored to be a friend and voice with you as you walk it.

What type of affair was it?

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