Thank you happygirl for your well-formed insights from your situation. Your description of the gap between your reality and your husband's, and the necessity of giving up -- and grieving -- the the ghost of what you thought you shared really resonated with me. It has only been a week since I learned of my husband's sexual compulsion and the tawdry behaviors he has indulged in for half our marriage or more, and your useful observation has clarifies that my traumatic loss is not himself or his chastity per se, but the connection i believed we had and the concept of what our marriage was all about that I had thought we shared. I don't know if I can ever respect him again in certain ways, but thank you and the recovery library for the clarity that I cannot hold my spouse accountable for innately sharing and 100% delivering on my ideals, and that the quality of my life does not depend on him doing so. It remains to be seen whether we find enough common ground between us to establish a new way forward, and whether we have the integrity and strength to deliver on it, but I can at least recognize and avoid the folly of expecting my naturally flawed human husband to manifest my highest ideals, even if he would like to.
Great comment
Thank you happygirl for your well-formed insights from your situation. Your description of the gap between your reality and your husband's, and the necessity of giving up -- and grieving -- the the ghost of what you thought you shared really resonated with me. It has only been a week since I learned of my husband's sexual compulsion and the tawdry behaviors he has indulged in for half our marriage or more, and your useful observation has clarifies that my traumatic loss is not himself or his chastity per se, but the connection i believed we had and the concept of what our marriage was all about that I had thought we shared. I don't know if I can ever respect him again in certain ways, but thank you and the recovery library for the clarity that I cannot hold my spouse accountable for innately sharing and 100% delivering on my ideals, and that the quality of my life does not depend on him doing so. It remains to be seen whether we find enough common ground between us to establish a new way forward, and whether we have the integrity and strength to deliver on it, but I can at least recognize and avoid the folly of expecting my naturally flawed human husband to manifest my highest ideals, even if he would like to.