Agree - the unfaithful spouse who does not admit/minimizes wrong doing and desires to (now, not before when I wanted to or when it would have had preventive power) discuss marital issues is THE barrier. Let's avoid the extreme trauma and harm you've caused and focus on what we should have focused on before - logic, common decency say no way! Enduring the shame shield of blame while they try to "get it" is exhausting. I wish there was a fee we could pay for the betrayers to be taken to the "wood shed" referenced on this site. A therapist actually stated that she would be the "mother"/"accountability" chair - 2 simple "safety" assignments were committed to over the course of a month and she did not remember to bring them up - fascinating. This sent a message to the betrayer that it wasn't a big deal - I can assure they remain a BIG deal 12 months later. It really must take experts who have lived the nightmare to help.
I like your reference of a "serious callous" - I have been referring to the only consistent behavior of blaming as having a cumulative effect. When do we talk about the lies/deceit, physical, emotional, financial energy given to someone else - if half of it was given to the marriage I suspect EVERYONE would have been much happier. It is interesting that some betrayers are unable to see the connection - if you weren't giving much of anything before AND at the same time betraying - don't you think the betrayed will now have MUCH GREATER needs...and of course the link is the betrayer - the needs exist because of their actions/choices - if the betrayed don't protect themselves, who will? You've taught us it isn't you - if you want us to believe in you, you must prove it.
Agree
Agree - the unfaithful spouse who does not admit/minimizes wrong doing and desires to (now, not before when I wanted to or when it would have had preventive power) discuss marital issues is THE barrier. Let's avoid the extreme trauma and harm you've caused and focus on what we should have focused on before - logic, common decency say no way! Enduring the shame shield of blame while they try to "get it" is exhausting. I wish there was a fee we could pay for the betrayers to be taken to the "wood shed" referenced on this site. A therapist actually stated that she would be the "mother"/"accountability" chair - 2 simple "safety" assignments were committed to over the course of a month and she did not remember to bring them up - fascinating. This sent a message to the betrayer that it wasn't a big deal - I can assure they remain a BIG deal 12 months later. It really must take experts who have lived the nightmare to help.
I like your reference of a "serious callous" - I have been referring to the only consistent behavior of blaming as having a cumulative effect. When do we talk about the lies/deceit, physical, emotional, financial energy given to someone else - if half of it was given to the marriage I suspect EVERYONE would have been much happier. It is interesting that some betrayers are unable to see the connection - if you weren't giving much of anything before AND at the same time betraying - don't you think the betrayed will now have MUCH GREATER needs...and of course the link is the betrayer - the needs exist because of their actions/choices - if the betrayed don't protect themselves, who will? You've taught us it isn't you - if you want us to believe in you, you must prove it.