"As long as I withheld information from my mate regarding my extramarital activities, I maintained a covert alliance with those with whom I’d cheated...Refusing to give information clearly communicated that I held myself and my affair partner in higher regard than my mate."
So perfectly encapsulated, Rick!
And that is how I still feel after hearing far too many 'answers' consisting of "I don't know," or "I don't remember now." Had these been in response to just one or two minor points, I might feel differently. But when this involved the vast majority of my questions, and especially questions regarding the most SALIENT details of what I unearthed, it only reeked of more deception, more cover-up, more underlying attitude of "I fundamentally matter more than you," and that restoring any peace of mind to me was of very low priority to him.
His covertly manipulative diversion tactics also caused more damage.
For instance, a third party work colleague had made an assumption, and so straightforwardly asked the OW whether she and my spouse were "together now," right after she had just dumped another man. I had then expressed the reasoning and logical extensions behind my dire suspicions that there must have been a lot MORE going on between the two of them than what my spouse was admitting to, considering his pointed question. I mean, who would even suspect two people would be starting to DATE each other, unless their actions (even in public!) implied such intimacy and connection? But I got another blunt and wholly unsatisfying "I don't know, I can't explain that," along with the diversionary statement of "I don't even remember that guy" (the man who had inquired), as if the plausibility of my rationale was highly dependent upon this witness's identity. It wasn't. It was dependent upon the kinds of ANSWERS I got.
So distrust, disloyalty, and destruction to others' psyches is also caused by what appears to be very "selective memory" of events and people who were supposedly important in one's partner's life. I hope this aspect, too, will be covered in another wise article.
Useless Answers
"As long as I withheld information from my mate regarding my extramarital activities, I maintained a covert alliance with those with whom I’d cheated...Refusing to give information clearly communicated that I held myself and my affair partner in higher regard than my mate."
So perfectly encapsulated, Rick!
And that is how I still feel after hearing far too many 'answers' consisting of "I don't know," or "I don't remember now." Had these been in response to just one or two minor points, I might feel differently. But when this involved the vast majority of my questions, and especially questions regarding the most SALIENT details of what I unearthed, it only reeked of more deception, more cover-up, more underlying attitude of "I fundamentally matter more than you," and that restoring any peace of mind to me was of very low priority to him.
His covertly manipulative diversion tactics also caused more damage.
For instance, a third party work colleague had made an assumption, and so straightforwardly asked the OW whether she and my spouse were "together now," right after she had just dumped another man. I had then expressed the reasoning and logical extensions behind my dire suspicions that there must have been a lot MORE going on between the two of them than what my spouse was admitting to, considering his pointed question. I mean, who would even suspect two people would be starting to DATE each other, unless their actions (even in public!) implied such intimacy and connection? But I got another blunt and wholly unsatisfying "I don't know, I can't explain that," along with the diversionary statement of "I don't even remember that guy" (the man who had inquired), as if the plausibility of my rationale was highly dependent upon this witness's identity. It wasn't. It was dependent upon the kinds of ANSWERS I got.
So distrust, disloyalty, and destruction to others' psyches is also caused by what appears to be very "selective memory" of events and people who were supposedly important in one's partner's life. I hope this aspect, too, will be covered in another wise article.