My betrayal was a stab in the back coming after caring for two terminally ill parents who died 5 months short of each other. The betrayal and it's aftermath showed me that I was married to someone I never knew, someone I allowed to have the most intimate access to my being. I had been living with a manipulative and deceptive stranger. I had given what was the most precious gift I had to someone who walked all over it and piled crap on it. I had lived a lie with no security or future, all my dreams died in a swift blow and my past became nothing but ashes and gall. I lost dreams and my memories became questionable scenarios rife with doubtful meaning.
The ground I stood on which I thought was solid was revealed to me as sinking sand.
With the help of Rick on this site, I chose to wade through the pain which was pushing me on every side, threatening to engulf me, to focus on if I will let these painful experiences define me and decide my future or if I will use them to define my future and mature in spite of it.
Truly speaking, I totally depended on God and released my soul to Him for healing and redefinition. Since my spouse is yet to fully grasp the changes he needs to make within himself, doubts creep in and the pain comes again. In time I saw that when fear comes in, pain comes in as well in fresh waves. So I have placed my trust in God to turn him around for his own sake and not for me or the marriage. Anything he does, betrayal or not is no longer about what I want but its for the Lord to deal with. This has freed me from fear and then pain.
I have since developed a strong empathic character for him and others. I have become transformed within and outside. In one day, 3 different people commented on me, "YOU ARE....LOOKING PRETTY, REALLY PRETTY", "MUM, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL". Spouse, "YOU ARE BLOOMING.". I believe that this is due to peace from within and a true release from the hold of fear, fear of the unknown, fear of more hurt.
pain can be good