At times, I have felt such anguish and pain from my partner's betrayal and subsequent actions that there is no pain or fear of pain that would be worse than what I have already suffered. None.
For me, being mugged or knifed or shot could not compare to the hurt and damage I have sustained at being betrayed.
I am not saying Stephanie's actions are not for precisely the reasons you have stated. But I could easily do the same thing your wife did because I have no fear of someone hurting me. I have already been destroyed. And I too have been transformed. Transformed into having no fear of pain on this earth, other than what my partner can give me. And of that, I am rightfully terrified.
I still adore my partner, with all my heart. And I am trying to rebuild the pieces. But my spouse doesn't get why it is taking me so long, and why I haven't already forgiven and forgotten.
And Paul, I know part of how you feel. The betrayed cannot tell friends or family as that would expose the secret. And so the betrayed hurts in silence. It wasn't 30 years for us. That is just staggering. But going on 7 years now feels like an eternity.
I know how you feel