Yes the term "pretend normal" perfectly describes that state of my marriage after discovery of husbands affair/s that he basically denied never happened. I have been living this lie for 9 months and after reading your article have realized that it's nothing but smoke and mirrors to keep me under his control. We are the poster family for pretend normal dysfunction. After discovering suggestive texts messages on his phone, we have (I thought) worked to improve our marriage. Initially we had very little discussion about it because all he did was deny or downplay events. He still claims that he never met with her in person-ever over a period of at least 10 years-I don't buy it but I have been unable to gather concrete evidence. However JUST TOO MUCH circumstantial evidence and knowing what I now know I can see the red flags every where in our past. I wonder if there have been others? how many? Maybe this has gone on the entire marriage I just don't know. I have forgiven him for the past (the one I know of) indiscretion, admitted my part in the break down of our marriage, worked hard to improve all that I had neglected in our marriage and basically we never are to speak of it. He continues simply to deny, lie and gaslight me further.
Reading your article has helped me to see why I can't move further especially in the area of working- I want to work always enjoyed it. Here I thought that we were going to survive this affair, since we are still together, but knowing that his actions really don't match his words and the lack of responsibility, remorse, empathy, respect, transparency have left me worn and broken. He takes no ownership and simply cannot see how his actions/inactions have the walls getting ready to crumble around us. I had hoped that once we got to a better place together, I acknowledged that I had areas that needed work, that he might slowly see the light. But i'm beginning to wonder if that can ever really happen (prefers the façade of a "pretend normal" for everyone to see ). Funny thing is after years of not loving him, I have fallen in love with him again and don't want to give up 20 years together. It could of been so good because where I was weak he was strong and vice a versa, but he would never "let me in". I thought we could make this better -with all of this out in the open (well not really because basically no one knows of affair) that we could of worked together finally but I have my doubts. I wonder if he ever truly loved us. Thank you Rick for your article I plan to read every word you've written. I can't believe I haven't found you before as I have been glued to my computer, reading and writing since D-day. I pray for us all!
denial
Yes the term "pretend normal" perfectly describes that state of my marriage after discovery of husbands affair/s that he basically denied never happened. I have been living this lie for 9 months and after reading your article have realized that it's nothing but smoke and mirrors to keep me under his control. We are the poster family for pretend normal dysfunction. After discovering suggestive texts messages on his phone, we have (I thought) worked to improve our marriage. Initially we had very little discussion about it because all he did was deny or downplay events. He still claims that he never met with her in person-ever over a period of at least 10 years-I don't buy it but I have been unable to gather concrete evidence. However JUST TOO MUCH circumstantial evidence and knowing what I now know I can see the red flags every where in our past. I wonder if there have been others? how many? Maybe this has gone on the entire marriage I just don't know. I have forgiven him for the past (the one I know of) indiscretion, admitted my part in the break down of our marriage, worked hard to improve all that I had neglected in our marriage and basically we never are to speak of it. He continues simply to deny, lie and gaslight me further.
Reading your article has helped me to see why I can't move further especially in the area of working- I want to work always enjoyed it. Here I thought that we were going to survive this affair, since we are still together, but knowing that his actions really don't match his words and the lack of responsibility, remorse, empathy, respect, transparency have left me worn and broken. He takes no ownership and simply cannot see how his actions/inactions have the walls getting ready to crumble around us. I had hoped that once we got to a better place together, I acknowledged that I had areas that needed work, that he might slowly see the light. But i'm beginning to wonder if that can ever really happen (prefers the façade of a "pretend normal" for everyone to see ). Funny thing is after years of not loving him, I have fallen in love with him again and don't want to give up 20 years together. It could of been so good because where I was weak he was strong and vice a versa, but he would never "let me in". I thought we could make this better -with all of this out in the open (well not really because basically no one knows of affair) that we could of worked together finally but I have my doubts. I wonder if he ever truly loved us. Thank you Rick for your article I plan to read every word you've written. I can't believe I haven't found you before as I have been glued to my computer, reading and writing since D-day. I pray for us all!