Shame is what I think keeps us stuck. Our situation seems unique. Maybe it’s not. I was unfaithful when my wife and I were still dating. This was 27 years ago. I cheated on her when she was my girlfriend, became a Christian and confessed that I had been unfaithful(with bare minimum details), after we were engaged to be married. Then, I boxed the whole thing up and we never talked about it for almost 30 years. I had a totally warped view of what forgiveness, repentance and restitution were. Neither of us had any clue what betrayal trauma was. I never let my wife process the pain of betrayal that I had caused her. She was a good Christian wife, who raised for amazing kids and supported me through everything. Now, this year, it’s finally all coming out and we’re actually processing it. She’s amazing and is doing so much work to try to get through it. I’m still the problem, letting my shame hijack us all the time. We start to talk about another aspect of my sexual integrity issues and I will often get to the point where I just can’t handle it and I start hating on myself and freaking out with sadness and anger and I want to run away. Then I hate myself for freaking out and wanting to run away because I love my wife and I want this to work.
We are both in counseling and we discussed the EMS weekend and other intensives but we haven’t done one together yet. Is that our only way through this? The shame seems to lay dormant for weeks and then pounce on me when I least expect it and take our good conversations about healing completely off course and ruin entire weekends that could be spent connecting and growing our intimacy.
We are so weary with the cycle and want it to stop. We’re trying so hard and I’m definitely not a victim but I know I need help to break this cycle that I keep falling into.
Any insight is truly appreciated. AR has already helped us so much with all of the articles and videos. Thank you
So helpful for the betrayer
Shame is what I think keeps us stuck. Our situation seems unique. Maybe it’s not. I was unfaithful when my wife and I were still dating. This was 27 years ago. I cheated on her when she was my girlfriend, became a Christian and confessed that I had been unfaithful(with bare minimum details), after we were engaged to be married. Then, I boxed the whole thing up and we never talked about it for almost 30 years. I had a totally warped view of what forgiveness, repentance and restitution were. Neither of us had any clue what betrayal trauma was. I never let my wife process the pain of betrayal that I had caused her. She was a good Christian wife, who raised for amazing kids and supported me through everything. Now, this year, it’s finally all coming out and we’re actually processing it. She’s amazing and is doing so much work to try to get through it. I’m still the problem, letting my shame hijack us all the time. We start to talk about another aspect of my sexual integrity issues and I will often get to the point where I just can’t handle it and I start hating on myself and freaking out with sadness and anger and I want to run away. Then I hate myself for freaking out and wanting to run away because I love my wife and I want this to work.
We are both in counseling and we discussed the EMS weekend and other intensives but we haven’t done one together yet. Is that our only way through this? The shame seems to lay dormant for weeks and then pounce on me when I least expect it and take our good conversations about healing completely off course and ruin entire weekends that could be spent connecting and growing our intimacy.
We are so weary with the cycle and want it to stop. We’re trying so hard and I’m definitely not a victim but I know I need help to break this cycle that I keep falling into.
Any insight is truly appreciated. AR has already helped us so much with all of the articles and videos. Thank you