My affair partner and I were both on staff at our church when we disclosed our affair. My husband was also a Pastor on staff. The affair was announced publicly to the 75+ staff members, as well as the 400+ women attending the weekly bible studies. In a meeting as to whether the announcement was necessary, we were told that if they didn't announce it, friends of the other family may feel I "got away with something"
One week post disclosure the leaders suggested my husband take some time off work to focus on our marriage. Two weeks later in a staff meeting, where my husband was not present, my husband's role/responsibility in my choice to have an affair was the topic of discussion. The senior pastor called my husband "guilty" for my sinful choices.
We were asked to not attend church on the main campus on Sunday mornings because it was uncomfortable for the other family and the friends of the other family. Ten weeks post disclosure, after several conversations about whether my husband had "lost his call to ministry", my husband was told there was "no longer a position available". Sadly, he never had the opportunity to meet before the board of Elders. After they had fired him, many of the church elders would not even make eye contact with him.
When they announced my husband's resignation, they glazed over it, wording it as if it were a mutual decision, and they only announced it at one of the small satellite services.
Needless to say, rumors were set in motion by the confusion between what people saw with their own eyes and what they heard from leadership.
My husband and I could hardly concentrate on our marital problems. We were both unemployed and I was consumed with guilt and shame for having publicly destroyed his ministry.
It was late one night when we decided to lean into it. I had been blogging privately about our recovery --sharing it only with a few friends. We decided to make the blog public.
Now, I write about our journey and he reads each article before we publish. We don't blog about our experience with the church leadership. There's no life in that. We talk about marriage, hope, esteem, vows, sin, purity, commitment, fulfillment and promise. Oh, and infidelity.
The result has been phenomenal. We have learned so much from this experience. The affair and the public shame.
Coming up on our one year marker, we are both so THANKFUL for the decision to lean into the shame. It does not have a hold on us. For each person who "unfriended/blocked" us on social media there has been several dozen who have sought us out.
Leaning into Social Shame
My affair partner and I were both on staff at our church when we disclosed our affair. My husband was also a Pastor on staff. The affair was announced publicly to the 75+ staff members, as well as the 400+ women attending the weekly bible studies. In a meeting as to whether the announcement was necessary, we were told that if they didn't announce it, friends of the other family may feel I "got away with something"
One week post disclosure the leaders suggested my husband take some time off work to focus on our marriage. Two weeks later in a staff meeting, where my husband was not present, my husband's role/responsibility in my choice to have an affair was the topic of discussion. The senior pastor called my husband "guilty" for my sinful choices.
We were asked to not attend church on the main campus on Sunday mornings because it was uncomfortable for the other family and the friends of the other family. Ten weeks post disclosure, after several conversations about whether my husband had "lost his call to ministry", my husband was told there was "no longer a position available". Sadly, he never had the opportunity to meet before the board of Elders. After they had fired him, many of the church elders would not even make eye contact with him.
When they announced my husband's resignation, they glazed over it, wording it as if it were a mutual decision, and they only announced it at one of the small satellite services.
Needless to say, rumors were set in motion by the confusion between what people saw with their own eyes and what they heard from leadership.
My husband and I could hardly concentrate on our marital problems. We were both unemployed and I was consumed with guilt and shame for having publicly destroyed his ministry.
It was late one night when we decided to lean into it. I had been blogging privately about our recovery --sharing it only with a few friends. We decided to make the blog public.
Now, I write about our journey and he reads each article before we publish. We don't blog about our experience with the church leadership. There's no life in that. We talk about marriage, hope, esteem, vows, sin, purity, commitment, fulfillment and promise. Oh, and infidelity.
The result has been phenomenal. We have learned so much from this experience. The affair and the public shame.
Coming up on our one year marker, we are both so THANKFUL for the decision to lean into the shame. It does not have a hold on us. For each person who "unfriended/blocked" us on social media there has been several dozen who have sought us out.