Thank you, Samuel, for this post. I know in my head that I did not cause him to have an affair, but truly getting it out of my heart is another thing entirely. Deep down, I still feel like I am at fault and no amount of prayer, articles, therapy, or anything else has been able to shake that nagging feeling of belief that I must have been a horrible wife for him to go seek happiness elsewhere. I have such shame over his affair. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, slim enough, look young enough, didn't share his interest in country life, didn't enjoy the same music, didn't listen enough, wasn't appreciative enough...the list could go on and on. I wrote down 24 things about which I felt shame and read them aloud to him and apologized. I have asked for his forgiveness for my shortcomings, even though, throughout our marriage, he never talked intimately with me enough for me to know that he considered them shortcomings. I feel shame for just not intuitively KNOWING what I was doing wrong. The shame I feel is as strong as the shame he claims to feel for having his affairs. But he doesn't like to talk about it and will not initiate any talk about our feelings. He just wants it to go away and for me to just not mention it. Even after a therapist's advice to talk about the shame we both feel, he has not initiated any talks. I am the only one to do so. And those talks are short and mostly one-sided, with little input from his side.
I don't know how many other betrayed spouses feel like this. Maybe I am the only one whose head knows she didn't cause the affair, but whose heart can't quite accept it. Maybe all this sounds pretty pathetic of me to feel this way, considering all the deception, trickle-truth, hurtful words, and other lies that seem to continue even now. I should be stronger and know better, right? Daily I keep handing it over to God and praying for forgiveness and peace to know, in my heart, that it wasn't my fault. I know I am forgiven by God, but the peace just hasn't come.
Thank you
Thank you, Samuel, for this post. I know in my head that I did not cause him to have an affair, but truly getting it out of my heart is another thing entirely. Deep down, I still feel like I am at fault and no amount of prayer, articles, therapy, or anything else has been able to shake that nagging feeling of belief that I must have been a horrible wife for him to go seek happiness elsewhere. I have such shame over his affair. I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, slim enough, look young enough, didn't share his interest in country life, didn't enjoy the same music, didn't listen enough, wasn't appreciative enough...the list could go on and on. I wrote down 24 things about which I felt shame and read them aloud to him and apologized. I have asked for his forgiveness for my shortcomings, even though, throughout our marriage, he never talked intimately with me enough for me to know that he considered them shortcomings. I feel shame for just not intuitively KNOWING what I was doing wrong. The shame I feel is as strong as the shame he claims to feel for having his affairs. But he doesn't like to talk about it and will not initiate any talk about our feelings. He just wants it to go away and for me to just not mention it. Even after a therapist's advice to talk about the shame we both feel, he has not initiated any talks. I am the only one to do so. And those talks are short and mostly one-sided, with little input from his side.
I don't know how many other betrayed spouses feel like this. Maybe I am the only one whose head knows she didn't cause the affair, but whose heart can't quite accept it. Maybe all this sounds pretty pathetic of me to feel this way, considering all the deception, trickle-truth, hurtful words, and other lies that seem to continue even now. I should be stronger and know better, right? Daily I keep handing it over to God and praying for forgiveness and peace to know, in my heart, that it wasn't my fault. I know I am forgiven by God, but the peace just hasn't come.