My D-Day was almost 2 years ago. My husband of almost 24 years had a brief affair with his employee. I warned him about hiring her, never trusted her, and repeatedly asked him if anything was going on when I became suspicious. It turns out that she has narcissistic personality disorder and has likely had multiple affairs. She cheated on her time card, made it very difficult to fire her, and ended up getting a substantial sum in a "wrongful termination" suit to avoid a sexual harassment suit. Her husband still knows nothing and blames me for getting her fired because "I never liked her". We've done counseling together and separately and are improving although I will never feel safe with anyone again. It's so hard to describe the multitude of things that you grieve over. After many months I've come to realize that I'm not grieving for what I had. I'm grieving for what I thought I had. It's so hard to realize that he was never the man I thought he was. He has serious issues with people-pleasing, personal boundaries, and a lack of judgment about people and situations. I can't trust him to protect himself, me, our family, or his business. It's also painful to realize that he never listened to me or thought I knew anything when I warned him about her.I don't believe people really change, I just hope he will talk to me or someone if he finds himself in a bad situation or has doubts about himself or someone else. I heard something the other day that has resonated with me as I struggle to feel like I have any control or that I can ever stop worrying about his behavior. I logically know that I can't really ever stop anyone from cheating but the worst thing that could happen would be for them to do it again. The comment was that you have to stop thinking about the other person's behavior and realize that no matter what they do,you will survive. You know that having survived this you will be ok no matter what happens. It's freeing for me to try to think this way because I know I have that much control of my own life. I know that I will survive and I will leave instantly if it happens again. It brings me some peace to have that knowledge. I've stayed because I didn't want to make an emotional decision and regret it later. I've stayed because I love my kids and it's best for them. Only the future will show if it was a wise decision or not but at least I'll feel like I really tried.
Grief
My D-Day was almost 2 years ago. My husband of almost 24 years had a brief affair with his employee. I warned him about hiring her, never trusted her, and repeatedly asked him if anything was going on when I became suspicious. It turns out that she has narcissistic personality disorder and has likely had multiple affairs. She cheated on her time card, made it very difficult to fire her, and ended up getting a substantial sum in a "wrongful termination" suit to avoid a sexual harassment suit. Her husband still knows nothing and blames me for getting her fired because "I never liked her". We've done counseling together and separately and are improving although I will never feel safe with anyone again. It's so hard to describe the multitude of things that you grieve over. After many months I've come to realize that I'm not grieving for what I had. I'm grieving for what I thought I had. It's so hard to realize that he was never the man I thought he was. He has serious issues with people-pleasing, personal boundaries, and a lack of judgment about people and situations. I can't trust him to protect himself, me, our family, or his business. It's also painful to realize that he never listened to me or thought I knew anything when I warned him about her.I don't believe people really change, I just hope he will talk to me or someone if he finds himself in a bad situation or has doubts about himself or someone else. I heard something the other day that has resonated with me as I struggle to feel like I have any control or that I can ever stop worrying about his behavior. I logically know that I can't really ever stop anyone from cheating but the worst thing that could happen would be for them to do it again. The comment was that you have to stop thinking about the other person's behavior and realize that no matter what they do,you will survive. You know that having survived this you will be ok no matter what happens. It's freeing for me to try to think this way because I know I have that much control of my own life. I know that I will survive and I will leave instantly if it happens again. It brings me some peace to have that knowledge. I've stayed because I didn't want to make an emotional decision and regret it later. I've stayed because I love my kids and it's best for them. Only the future will show if it was a wise decision or not but at least I'll feel like I really tried.