I was the perpetrator in our marriage. I take full responsibility for my horrible behavior. My wife suffers from PTSD and my infidelity hurt her more deeply than I could have ever imagined. Although she doesn't "see" it, I do recognize the depth of her pain - that I caused - and I often feel the same sense of loss myself. The affair ended when it was discovered. We are still together, over 5 years after the discovery of the affair. I want her to forgive me and trust me again. Not just for me but for her own peace and us as a couple as well.
Do I deserve forgiveness? Perhaps, perhaps not - it's not my call. Does she believe I deserve another chance? Perhaps, perhaps not. I believe I'm working at doing everything I can to prove how truly sorry I am and that I will never do such a thing again. And it gets frustrating, especially this many years later, when it seems that even the smallest amount of trust will never come.
In myth #3 it speaks of the offended trying to understand why and how. To wrap their minds around what happened. And I would love for my wife to understand fully from my perspective. But that understanding will forever be elusive unless the offended can somehow place themselves into the shoes of the offender at the time of the transgression. And unfortunately that goes against myth #4 (sort of). For the understanding to come the offended must face the reality of the condition of the relationship when the offense took place. Were there warning signs that were ignored? Why was the relationship in a state that allowed the offender to be led astray in the first place? What - if anything - could have been done differently, by both parties, to strengthen rather than further weaken the relationship? For the understanding to come these questions need to be answered - and that also requires the offended to take responsibility for their part in the relationship. Not to the point of asking forgiveness because unless they committed adultery first, anything they did or didn't do did not warrant the pain caused by infidelity. But rather to realize that no relationship is a one way street. While one person can do a lot more damage, It still takes two to make it work.
I'm not making excuses - what I did was wrong on every level. There is no excuse, it never should have happened - Reconciliation requires more than forgiveness. It requires a lot of work by both parties on the relationship as a whole, not just on making amends for a wrong.
Being Forgivable
I was the perpetrator in our marriage. I take full responsibility for my horrible behavior. My wife suffers from PTSD and my infidelity hurt her more deeply than I could have ever imagined. Although she doesn't "see" it, I do recognize the depth of her pain - that I caused - and I often feel the same sense of loss myself. The affair ended when it was discovered. We are still together, over 5 years after the discovery of the affair. I want her to forgive me and trust me again. Not just for me but for her own peace and us as a couple as well.
Do I deserve forgiveness? Perhaps, perhaps not - it's not my call. Does she believe I deserve another chance? Perhaps, perhaps not. I believe I'm working at doing everything I can to prove how truly sorry I am and that I will never do such a thing again. And it gets frustrating, especially this many years later, when it seems that even the smallest amount of trust will never come.
In myth #3 it speaks of the offended trying to understand why and how. To wrap their minds around what happened. And I would love for my wife to understand fully from my perspective. But that understanding will forever be elusive unless the offended can somehow place themselves into the shoes of the offender at the time of the transgression. And unfortunately that goes against myth #4 (sort of). For the understanding to come the offended must face the reality of the condition of the relationship when the offense took place. Were there warning signs that were ignored? Why was the relationship in a state that allowed the offender to be led astray in the first place? What - if anything - could have been done differently, by both parties, to strengthen rather than further weaken the relationship? For the understanding to come these questions need to be answered - and that also requires the offended to take responsibility for their part in the relationship. Not to the point of asking forgiveness because unless they committed adultery first, anything they did or didn't do did not warrant the pain caused by infidelity. But rather to realize that no relationship is a one way street. While one person can do a lot more damage, It still takes two to make it work.
I'm not making excuses - what I did was wrong on every level. There is no excuse, it never should have happened - Reconciliation requires more than forgiveness. It requires a lot of work by both parties on the relationship as a whole, not just on making amends for a wrong.