Hi Wendy

I'm so sorry. You are still pretty fresh with all of this and I know how hard it is. Hiding it from your family feels so inauthentic as you live your life, and adds a huge burden to you when you are already reeling. That was/is me too, so I empathize.

It's funny you mention the books. The one by Cindy Beall in particular had me in a rage. I read it pretty early on and felt so misunderstood as I read her story, but looking back a lot of it was because she was surrounded by family, friends, and a whole church congregation showing her love and support. I had no one and was alone, and I felt betrayed and hopeless even reading her story. So I couldn't relate to it at all. It is an excellent book and a great testament to her, their marriage, God's work, and the church community. But - it was not the right story for me, and definitely not the right time. Maybe some of that applies to you as well.

Please consider that you are still pretty new in all this and your feelings are bound to be more raw. I hope you are getting some counseling and support through AR or other groups. You really can't do this alone - at least not well. Your own inner voices will likely be unkind, and you need someone who can walk beside you and show you love and empathy - even if it is a paid professional. I waited far too long to begin that work and I paid for it dearly. I hope you can learn from my mistakes. I wish you well. I will say a prayer for you.