Something I listened to yesterday brought up an excellent point around gaslighting and the harm it might cause. Sometimes “your gut” is telling you the truth about something that’s off with your spouse, maybe emotional intimacy goes missing in the relationship and so you question them. They respond defensively and accuse you of being the problem - that you’re not trusting, that you make things up, that you’re projecting your own issues onto them. At that point you’re left with only two options: This person you love and have always trusted is telling you the truth and you’re being crazy by thinking otherwise OR they’re lying to you (but because you’ve always trusted them this doesn’t seem plausible). A person can’t exist well in the middle of these two beliefs and it WILL make you crazy trying to resolve them. In the end you begin to question your own ability to be discerning, to rely on what your inner voice is telling you is right and true. It makes navigating the rest of life very difficult, not just your marriage, because you cannot trust your own good judgement.
I also think not all gaslighting is necessarily intentional. I think in some cases it’s a well-developed coping mechanism that maybe provided a level of protection in childhood when it was needed in abusive situations. It becomes so ingrained that a person uses it for protection without even thinking about it much, if at all. They aren’t intentionally trying to mess with your mind, they’re simply protecting self using a method that worked for them in the past. It will take some work for them to recognize that habit and change it.
Something I listened to
Something I listened to yesterday brought up an excellent point around gaslighting and the harm it might cause. Sometimes “your gut” is telling you the truth about something that’s off with your spouse, maybe emotional intimacy goes missing in the relationship and so you question them. They respond defensively and accuse you of being the problem - that you’re not trusting, that you make things up, that you’re projecting your own issues onto them. At that point you’re left with only two options: This person you love and have always trusted is telling you the truth and you’re being crazy by thinking otherwise OR they’re lying to you (but because you’ve always trusted them this doesn’t seem plausible). A person can’t exist well in the middle of these two beliefs and it WILL make you crazy trying to resolve them. In the end you begin to question your own ability to be discerning, to rely on what your inner voice is telling you is right and true. It makes navigating the rest of life very difficult, not just your marriage, because you cannot trust your own good judgement.
I also think not all gaslighting is necessarily intentional. I think in some cases it’s a well-developed coping mechanism that maybe provided a level of protection in childhood when it was needed in abusive situations. It becomes so ingrained that a person uses it for protection without even thinking about it much, if at all. They aren’t intentionally trying to mess with your mind, they’re simply protecting self using a method that worked for them in the past. It will take some work for them to recognize that habit and change it.
Thanks for presenting on this important topic!