Thank you for replying. We both saw counselors individually and as a couple but stopped many months ago. She didn't feel it was helpful. I love her so much. Many of the things I've read and seen refer to how sometimes the betrayed try to win back the unfaithful but in my case it's the opposite. While I did things I never would've thought I'd do, I realize now that I had everything a person would ever want right in front of me. The level of her anger is proportional to the level of hurt which is proportional to her love for me and commitment to me prior to the affair. She gave all her love and life for me. She sacrificed for me and our marriage yet I squandered it away. Now I'm wanting my marriage back. I have given her access to my phone, texts, facebook, emails, have a tracking device on my phone, tell her everywhere I go and everything I do. I think she is suffering from PTSD or PISD. It has been several years and we still struggle. She does not want to do recovery work because in her mind I'm not worth it. She sees things a certain way and has her mind made up. I hurt as I write this because I know she is in pain and I hate to sound critical of her because she can't help what I did to her. She never did anything to deserve this. I can't erase the images in my mind of her crying and broken when she found out and many times since. She is suffering now because she doesn't trust me or love me yet she wants to stay in the marriage to protect everyone else. I just can't believe I destroyed this person. There are times I just want to give up because I don't know what else I can do but then I feel selfish when I see her in this horrible state from my actions. I will continue to work on myself and read the series on shame, but even that sounds selfish like I came in and destroyed and left a mess and didn't fix what I messed up.
Thank you for replying. We
Thank you for replying. We both saw counselors individually and as a couple but stopped many months ago. She didn't feel it was helpful. I love her so much. Many of the things I've read and seen refer to how sometimes the betrayed try to win back the unfaithful but in my case it's the opposite. While I did things I never would've thought I'd do, I realize now that I had everything a person would ever want right in front of me. The level of her anger is proportional to the level of hurt which is proportional to her love for me and commitment to me prior to the affair. She gave all her love and life for me. She sacrificed for me and our marriage yet I squandered it away. Now I'm wanting my marriage back. I have given her access to my phone, texts, facebook, emails, have a tracking device on my phone, tell her everywhere I go and everything I do. I think she is suffering from PTSD or PISD. It has been several years and we still struggle. She does not want to do recovery work because in her mind I'm not worth it. She sees things a certain way and has her mind made up. I hurt as I write this because I know she is in pain and I hate to sound critical of her because she can't help what I did to her. She never did anything to deserve this. I can't erase the images in my mind of her crying and broken when she found out and many times since. She is suffering now because she doesn't trust me or love me yet she wants to stay in the marriage to protect everyone else. I just can't believe I destroyed this person. There are times I just want to give up because I don't know what else I can do but then I feel selfish when I see her in this horrible state from my actions. I will continue to work on myself and read the series on shame, but even that sounds selfish like I came in and destroyed and left a mess and didn't fix what I messed up.