Are you having difficulty approaching or motivating your mate? After infidelity, it's not unusual for couples to struggle with this. In fact, I'm frequently asked these questions:

• How do I get my mate to address their addiction?
• How do I get my mate to work with me in parenting?
• How do I get my mate to be more financially responsible?
• How do I get my mate to talk to me, or a third party, about our sexual issues?

One reason why I get these questions is because one spouse isn't responding to the other's request. Ted Huston, a researcher at the University of Texas, conducted a study with more than 168 couples over nearly a decade-and-a-half. He discovered that the biggest predictor of a split in a couple wasn't conflict but rather, it was a lack of responsiveness. It's something that we all struggle with. I think especially with infidelity, when you ask your mate to do something and there's a lack of responsiveness, it can add to the pain that's already there from the larger rupture that has occurred in the relationship. In the long run, we want to know that:

• We matter to our mate.
• We're important to them.
• They choose us.

When our loved one doesn't respond, it can make us feel insignificant, unimportant, and even unloved by them.

The other reason why I often get questions about finances, sex, children, and family is because they are the four topics we tend to be most passionate about. For that reason, they are also the four areas that are typically athe core of failed relationships. If you and your mate disagree regarding any of “the big four,” or if they have a problem with addiction, you'll want to be able to address these important issues together.

Of course, you're not responsible for making them "do the right thing." The purpose of these conversations is to show you're invested in the relationship and want what's best for both of you. Sometimes, a change in how you approach them can motivate them to do something that's helpful, loving and, in the long run, what you both want.

3 Steps for Approaching and Motivating Your Mate

This might seem random, but bear with me. I love horses. I find their responses to life to be amazingly similar to mine. Like me, they tend to know what they want, find relationships to be frightening, and want the relationship but seem afraid of what it might cost them. They might even seem to need coaxing and training along the way. Because there are so many similarities, I've found that some of the techniques that work with horses sometimes work with people.

Of course, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Likewise, you can show your mate a path to health, but you can't make them choose it. You can, however, gain peace by knowing that you acted out of love, and in their best interest, rather than out of fear or the need to control.

When talking with your mate about your needs and the relationship, I recommend using this simple 3-step process. The outcome you desire may not be possible, but I've seen it help other couples and it might help you, too.

Step 1: Asking

Going back to the horse analogy, it's best to make a simple and kind verbal request of your mate. Communicating a simple, "Go," "Whoa," or "Stop," will enable you to gauge if you are on the same page. Sometimes, that's all it takes to get them to cooperate. Starting at any other place besides asking doesn't honor the relationship. The same is true when we speak to our mate.

When you don't ask your mate to do what you need, it robs them of the opportunity to give you a gift. Again, their response may not be what you desire, but asking them for what you need is respectful communication. Sometimes, we assume our mate won't do the right thing. This assumption isn't based in love; it's based in negativity. I encourage you to not only assume the best from your mate, but to also give them a chance to do right by you by expressing your needs.

If they don't respond to your ask, then you have two options:

1. You can decide that it's not that important and move on.
2. You can tell them it's what you need, rather than ask for it.

Step 2: Telling

Too much asking and not enough telling is one of the best ways to confuse a horse. When I "tell" the horse to do something, I'll give them a nudge with my heels and be firm with my voice. If you simply ask, the horse may think that it's just a request and not something that needs to be done. By continuing to only ask your mate to act, it may not communicate the importance of your needs. It may also leave you both feeling frustrated, discouraged, and defeated.

If something is really important to you, then you need to be willing to tell your mate it's what you need. Please don't expect them to read your mind. It's possible that they may not "get it." Nevertheless, it's common for people to resist telling their mate what they need because of this false belief: If my partner or spouse "loved me," they'd already know what I need. Trust me when I say that you and your mate are two very different people, and there will be times when you just don't think alike. Give them a chance to do the right thing by speaking up and telling them what you need.

Additionally, some people feel that it's not a loving act to speak up. They believe that if they really loved their partner or spouse, they should be willing to accept them just the way they are. This depends on the situation:

• If you want your mate to change who they are, that's an unloving and unreasonable request.
• If you want your mate to stop engaging in hurtful behavior that impacts you, that's a loving and reasonable request.

It's not fair to dissect or criticize your mate's personality just because you're in pain. If their actions are what's causing you the pain, then you most certainly have a right to speak up. When telling your mate something, it's important that the truth is spoken in love. This shouldn't be a personal attack, and you need to be able to clearly state what you desire. For instance, if your relationship is struggling and you asked your mate to go to counseling with you to no avail, then you've got to tell them, to the best of your ability, what you need.

Telling means speaking clearly about what's important to you. Try to avoid the use of "you" statements when addressing your mate. Instead, stick with what "I" want this and "I'm" going to do that, and tell your mate that you want them to join you.

Step 3: Demanding

For the horse, there are consequences for not responding. This is the hard step. Some of you may not believe you have a right to demand your mate to do something. I'm not suggesting that you rob them of their choice, I'm simply saying that you also have a choice. It's far more loving to inform your mate of your intention to use that choice, rather than allow them to continue in a pattern that's destructive to you, themselves, and the relationship.

This isn't a step to use when there's a simple difference of opinion. The demand is reserved as a last resort when your mate's behavior is harmful and destructive.

A demand isn't a threat or a means to control your mate; it's telling them what you're going to do if they don't respond or change. It's a warning and an attempt to break the cycle. They still have a choice; it's just that they're now aware of the consequence their choice carries. If the demand has any motive other than love, then it's the wrong motive, and the demand is inappropriate.

When is it appropriate to make demands? In my opinion, this step should be reserved for when all other efforts have been exhausted. They need to know you are doing this, making this demand, because you care for them — not just for yourself. A demand is sometimes effective when you're dealing with infidelity, abuse, and/or addiction. It can show that you love your mate too much to allow them to continue their destructive patterns. Again, you're not responsible for making your mate "do the right thing." They have to want to save themselves and the relationship. Even if the marriage ultimately fails, so much good can come from getting help and putting in the work to repair the damage.

Don't assume you know how your mate is going to respond and, in turn, refuse to take the risk of speaking up. You never know what they're going to do. It's certainly not a guarantee that they're going to go along with you but, in the long run, if you do request and they don't respond — if you tell them what you need and they don't respond — if you make the demand and they still refuse to do it — at least you won't have regrets. For love's sake, I urge you to have the courage to speak up and address the hard issues with your mate.