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Great article, this is such a vital component for the healing process of the betrayed for the current relationship or one in the future. After attending EMS and trying to work through my ex-wifes infidelity for several months, she couldn't leave her AP and decided to leave the marriage. Despite all the professional help that we received and the effort that I put in to work through it, she was unable to understand the pain that she inflicted through her selfish actions. This was even more apparent to me after we met to sign some of the final papers and she showed up WITH her AP. I'm so sad for her and I hope she is able to heal from the wounds she has experienced in a timely manner to get back on the right track. If you are the unfaithful and you want and deeply believe that you are called to be with your current spouse, then terminate all contact with your A to have a fighting chance at healing together. If you don't feel that way, then be an adult and own it, quit inflicting the pain and leave your spouse to let them heal on their own. It's one or the other, anything else is selfish and inhumane. Rick you are AWESOME... Thank you for the help during this devastating time.... you are a blessing.

It has been 5 years and I still judge myself that I am not letting go and haven't forgiven. When reading this article though, it hit the nail on the head. I don't believe my h gets the damage. He hasn't aided in my healing process and refuses to participate in the forgiveness process. He has said that he believes I am trying to shame him and gets furious with me and that is not my intent. I am trying to come to a resolution in my own mind but because my h doesn't provide safety and that he gets it I have fear about fully giving myself to the relationship again. You have articulated perfectly what I have been unable to. Thank you.

Hi Rick:
Yes, you have eloquently expressed the basic issue which is at the heart of every healing journey after infidelity. I wish someone would film a PR spot about the devastation of adultery, not only to the spouse, but to families, communities, and society at large. Lack of awareness and empathy on the part of the spouse who betrayed are the two biggest obstacles to healing. Over the past four years, my husband and I have had to struggle with this very problem. He finally "gets it" now, but it was a long time coming, and sometimes, we still have to revisit it. It has taken courage, patience, and a tremendous amount of consciousness-raising on both our parts to recover from what should have been the "swan song" of our 30+ year marriage (ie the discovery of my husband's 10 year affair, and over the next year learning about many other betrayals over the course of our marriage). Only through thousands of hours of mutual honest reflection and tremendous motivation, plus articles such as yours to validate what I was feeling, were we able to move forward. One technique I found helpful was the use of analogies that my husband could instantly understand, e.g. when he said something like "Oh, that one phone call to [my AP] during our anniversary trip was hardly enough to ruin the whole memory for you" - I would respond "That's like saying 'Oh, someone ripped a small hole in Mona Lisa's eye - hardly enough to ruin the whole painting!" He got that. Another - I would ask him if he ever would consider slapping me, punching me, or stabbing me multiple times in the back. He was horrified I would even bring up such a thing. Then I gently expressed that what he did was the emotional equivalent. I think this analogy hit him hard in the gut, and he began to "get" my pain. But as I said, it's taken thousands of hours of talking things through. I feel for all the wives and husbands out there whose unfaithful spouses are reluctant to talk about it genuinely and honestly. Again, thanks for your wonderful article, Rick. It's sorely needed.

Even I am sick of hearing myself repeat the same requests, in different words, over and over. It has been about a year since d-day and I still do not feel that he "gets it." I have stopped explaining. He does not want to live in the past, talk about the past or explore any part of anything uncomfortable.

After an exceptionally brief and to the point summary of the affair, he was done volunteering information. If I asked questions, he would answer with as little comment as possible; most times yes or no. I would make guesses based on the small tidbits and ask more questions with short responses. And so it continued for a little while until I ran out of questions.

Since then, I have been focusing on making myself a better communicator and creating a relationship safe for opening up. Every once in a while I will ask for further discussion. The response is either, "ask me questions and I will answer" or (with a sigh and eyeroll) "I have told you everything already."

The trickle of information and lack of participation has left me feeling unsafe. It still feels like a hidden part of his past. Even though I was there, I was not and feel I will never be part of that time in his life. He treats it like a square - OW, AP, husband, wife - except he is trying to be two corners; not possible. It can only work as the triangle it was and he has to merge the two parts he played. If he can not come to terms with it, how can I?

It leaves me wondering if he is going to share what he considers uncomfortable information in the future. There is the idea that he will just keep me in the dark again until I find out for myself, once again. He does not realize that sharing would hurt me so much less than anything he told me. It would actually go a very long way to helping restore trust and the bond we once had.

"When the connecting bond is broken in a marriage, the betrayed spouse experiences something like a primal panic. It’s as if someone had struck them in the chest..."
I felt like I had been deliberately ran over (struck) by my husband. He plotted, lied, and struck me while I was not paying attention. Instead of helping me, my husband started ranting and blaming me for his choices. He then proceeded to tell me that I could not talk about how much I had been hurt, that I could not ask him questions because it made him feel "bad." After finding out, I was in shock. Who expects the victim that is laying on the floor to be considerate to their "attacker," is unnatural, we are in self-preservation mode. We are in need. We need reassurance that we are safe. I got all the love and support that I needed from family and friends.They held me while I cried, they were the ones I called when I was bombarded with triggers, I bonded deeper with them because of this crisis. I think if my husband had been willing to be there for me our marriage could have survived this affair, but my husband's inability to help me feel safe has made his presence obsolete in my life. He dismissed opportunities to show compassion for my pain and improve our relationship.

Thank you so much for an encouraging word of Hope. I unforunately was unfaithful to my dear wife many times over the short years we have been together and married. I never got why she would always ask the seemingly same questions over and over. I started to before i read this article, but somehow this article just made it that much more clear. I have always wanted to be open and help the healing of our marriage, but sometimes it was hard and sometimes it still is. Though each time I read another article of yours I feel new inspiration to push forward and keeping going, for my wife, for our son, our marriage and us as a couple.
I know so many times when my wife has tried to talk to me I've gotten that exact way, shut off and defensive. I have to say to any that betrayed a love one, it may seem like the best course of action to protect yourself, but it is NOT. When it happens step back and think about the extreme pain that your betrayed spouse must be feeling, than looking again at your own pain of embrassment or whatever. It should show you that your temporary embrassment is nothing to the pain you cause your spouse. So than let the truth flow and open up to your spouse. It is easier said than done, but when you do, it makes the healing that much easier for both of you. You will also feel much better about it after. Society has made us feel like men cant make emotions, but excuse my language, that is bullshit. A real man is not afraid to show emotion be it fear, tears, sadness or whatever else. Your spouse wants to fix it with you so make it easier on both of you and open up to them. I did it and it still hard sometimes and i want to shut off but i force forward and keep open and it has made it so much easier.
Thanks again Rick

Great article again, I identify completely, have told my Husband so many times that I don't think he gets it at all. We do not talk, he thinks it is useless and frustrating for us to discuss the "most awful things" he has done. He said I like making a bigger thing out of it than it was, and that I am unforgiving. He feels there is nothing to be gained by talking about the past so if we talk, it should be about now & the future rather than dwell on the past which he tells me is gone and you can't do anything about it anyway. These are his exact words, along with telling me that I must enjoy wallowing in my misery.
At this point 3 years from DDay and 25+ from infidelities we have a compatible home life , zero intimacy. I stay because I don't know what else to do after spending my life with him. I don't know if I could ever feel love or passion, or even excitement again for him, but as a Christian I can love him in a bigger way. I try to be kind and caring and honest.

This article is exactly on target. How can I communicate this is how I feel without just coming out and saying it? Should I just forward he this posting and say, "this is where I am"? Although it's been over a year and I have forgiven her the affair, it is STILL very painful and triggers abound everywhere. In the midst of the pain I often withdraw and then she asks me what's wrong and I have to lie because if I tell her the truth then she says I am just throwing her past failure back in her face to hurt her. So, I suck it up and act like everything is "OK" and die a little more. What can I do?

Recently, we have had a set back at a place of "not the whole truth". No affair just a place where an agreement wasn't met and we have not been able to fully get back to where we were at before this and after our EMS weekend. Part of the reason for this is from him shutting down and not talking or answering questions again.
I know, or I hope we find our way back and beyond where we hope to be. Every time we visit with someone it seems the shame diminishes and we get better.
Our hope in in the Lord and what the Lord has brought us through you Rick and your ministry. Our children now say, "it's Tuesday aren't you guys getting on call" or "we can't do that Tuesday night you guys have call". LOVE IT!!! What your children teach you.:)
Thank you for everything you've done.

It was exactly 5 years ago this month that I had my day of discovery of my husbands affair. I thank God daily that my husband was willing to own up to the affair and work to restore our marriage. The first several months I was full of questions which he answered as best as he could. We were in couples therapy and he was in individual therapy. And he was willing to do that which was HUGE! He is a flirt and gregarious which never amounted to anything until this one particular woman came into the picture. My h had a lot to learn about boundaries and how they could be misinterpreted. There was a relapses with another woman 2 years later which I found out about immediately. This time he got defensive about the emails but when he was shown how his words could be misinterpreted, I think he finally got it. Like I said it has been five years from discovery and we are in a good place. At times I think it was only a horrible nightmare and not reality. Couples can recover if both parties are up to confessing and forgiving and learning from the experience.

Wow I agree and dis agree with this. I disagree with the premis that the actions of one person is need for the healing of another personly I feel to many people combine healing after infidelity but there is 3 healings that have to take place the hurt spouse personaly the unfaithful spouse and the marriage. For the hurt spouse to heal they need to first be able to forgive past present and future I know this sounds crazy but it is imortant again using the terms from EMSO I am talking vertical forgiveness the point is you are working to heal yourself to help get over the pain if we shift our focuse to how God see's us and not a sinful spouse and can draw on that to heal you will do it much faster and more completely because it is not dependent on a flawed spouse to do so. The healing of the marriage will take the actions of the other spouse but if you have found healing through Christ then you are better able to look at your unfaithfull spouse in a more honest light with far less bitterness and more hope than when you are still hurting and feel alone. And I speak this from personal expearance because healed this way I did not depend on my wife's behaivor to heal she struggles with the consept of empathy she was not going to be of much help but again it was my personal healing that was needed so I learned to forgive her past, present and future that done I was able to release all that pain andself dout and everything else that overcame me with the finding out of what had happened. Once I was able to look at my self as a child of God and not just her husband I was able to rebuild my self image and worth which went a long way to be able to then look at my wife as who she realy is and not for what she had done which also speed up the rebuilding of our marriage. I think she still has healing to do with in her self but our marriage is better now than it may have ever been and that has been possible because I was able to find healing through Christ and not bedependent on my wife.
David

For the first time in nearly two years I feel that someone actually cares. Thankyou for writing this article, it's exacy what I have tried and failed to explain atleast 100 times. I don't have much hope for us, but I finally have now have some hope for me. Thankyou!

My wife and I just finished the online 13 week course.
Unfortunately we had another D-day 9 weeks into the course and I am having a lot of trouble moving forward now.
How do we find a counselor who is well versed in Affair Recovery?
We live in north San Diego area.
Please help.

This is so true and I've seen the need my husband has for me to understand and be empathetic. It's taken a loooong time for me to be bale to listen to his pain without breaking down in crying and begging spells. Besides listening to his pain and responding with "you're right" or "I;m so sorry I did that to you" how else can the betraying spouse show empathy and understanding?

I found out about my husband's affair two years after it began. It's been another two years. He finally ended the affair and in that time of separations I thought I had healed. Now as he really is empathetic I am the one with constant fears and insecurities. We had this discussion just today how I need to feel safe because of his reluctance to end it I can't believe he's real now though his actions I see prove other wise...i really do feel stuck.

I relate to this completely!!!!! It has been 3.5 years after D-day. We did EMSO a few months after we blew up. We have done a few other things as well. My husband participated fully. We had about a year of trickle truth. He has modified his behavior (stopped watching porn) and is no longer in contact with his affair partner. But there are so many questions that he has no answer for... and the biggest concern is that he has had no brokenness - he only shed tears over the AP - there are no feelings that he can articulate about the pain he has caused me, our kids, or even any remorse over his "Christian witness" and the perverted gospel he was presenting to his affair partner. The relationship started as he was online evangelizing and eventually led him to expressing Jesus's love to her in her bed. I have been committed to forgiving since day one. I want to forgive unconditionally - but his lack of remorse... and his inability to see what he did... scares me.

So am I supposed to go in to detail about what happened? I’m trying to understand. I’m very sorry for what I did , I just don’t see how details are going to help. Please help!!!!

After finding out my spouce had had an ongoing affair with one of her work colleagues, we managed to move on through it. But when we were finally able to "I guess" start dating again I found it was very much in the same manner as WE were before. Am wrong to be SAD, UPSET, ANNOYED that things are the same? I feel as if some other man had the best of my wife while just get the real life.

Thank you so much for this article. I’m desperate for answers and I feel like I’m grasping to any sense of hope. My husband of 25 yrs was involved in an emotional affair for 7 yrs. we have 3 children, youngest 7 years old. We decided to try to make our marriage work. It’s going on 2 yrs since dday and 8 months since the last disclosure. I struggle with moving forward and I feel it’s because my husband shows no empathy when answering any of my questions. He says because he feels like I’m attacking him. I personally don’t think that’s true because his manner in answering has been the same, since day 1, he’s always answered so coldly. Is this normal? Will he ever show any hurt knowing his answers are hurtful to me?

I'm in the same boat. I discovered my husband's affair over two years ago and haven't been able to move on because I don't feel secure in my marriage. I don't think my husband is continuing any affairs, but he fails to empathize with my hurt and doesn't seem to understand why I am withdrawn at times. His inability to understand how much this has hurt me feels like a slap in the face following a punch in the gut (the affair). My therapist says that if he could convey empathy, try to understand my experience and get individual therapy for his excessive need for attention, then recovery would be easier. I will ask for this once again, but if it doesn't happen, then I feel I've done all I can do and must move on in my own interests.

My wife keeps telling me we need to repair the past, I want to move forward and I know I screwed up and let an addiction run my life. I've never been good with empathy though I'm trying to work on it even though I have a tough time talking about my feelings. What should these short conversations consist of... the details of my past are out, though she brings up the same questions when she gets upset. Says I'm not understanding what I did, I've told her over and over I know I hurt her in numerous ways, and again want to go forward and push past the past. Any help is appreciated.

My BS does just this, he keeps asking me the same thing over and over again because he doesn't believe my answer. I don't know what to tell him anymore, I want to move forward. He keeps trying to dig and dig and cannot accept my answer to his question. I was defensive for a very long time and haven't really started taking responsibility for my affair until recently. He asked me what he had done to deserve my affair and my behavior and I told him nothing, I know that I broke us and hurt our family.

My husband said he acknowledged how his infidelity had hurt me but I could feel he didn't truly understand, a few months after he said that looking back he didn't truly understand, I still want convinced but didn't tell him what I felt, 6 mo later he officially apologized and said now he understood. But in all honesty after certain Comments I still struggle with believing he dies understand the depth of anguish this has caused. Ivtold him that the lies and denial added so much hurt and its he promised to be up front with his future struggles, that we could probably get on a good road to recovery. Ater going to get help, and seeming to be on the right track I believe God gave me an inclination to look out of nowhere. I found new evidence, screen shot it, and I decided to ask him if he has been doing well or if he has stumbled at all...he denied it 3 times until I showed him I had proof. After the initial breakdown I haven't felt emotionally married. My heart doesnt feel taken anymore. I feel like my heart is divorced and that is very heavy and hard to acknowledge. But I can't get over the resentment and anger right below the surface when I spend time or think of my husband. My brain treats him how a wild animal circles its counterpart sizing him up and waiting for signs of what direction hey will attack from next. I have two toddler boys with him and he's a great father, but the bitterness is eating me alive and seeping into my core. If I could grieve maybe I could let it all out, but I feel my grief is locked in a cage until I know its safe to heal, until I know if I do forgive him, he won't ever hurt or lie to me again...but I don't know that. He hasn't shown me that and he is tired of me holding on to my anger. I feel lost and I feel I am robbing my sons of the mom they deserve